Busy Busy

Sorry I haven't been one for updating lately. I seem to have become super busy. But the girls (dogs) are tuckered out and not really wanting to move around the house, Chris is away late at work, and I've got the computer glued to my lap... so I'm going to attempt it.
With the holidays passing by with Chris' vacation time the business has come and hopefully stalled for a little while. But I know it'll be the new year before I can put the breaks on. I mean, we've still got the cotton bowl and then LBG will be coming any time after that! Oye... can I make it? I hope so.

ugh ickie

I had so many ideas for what to do today... and yet, I'm feeling yuckie. Maybe after a quick shower I'll feel better. But over the past few days my stomache (not the baby part of the belly) has been yuckie. I've felt like throwing up a couple of times due to heartburn, and it's been extremely uncomfortable. If I'm not feeling better after a bit of a nap (after the shower) I'm going to talk to the doctor again. It really just feels like I ate something wrong or too much, so I'm not horridly worried.

Twitch, twitch

My left eyebrow is doing this weird twitch-y thing. Uncool and unfun. I must be stressed. Or is it a sign of hunger? :) j/k I know I'm a bit stressed right now. It's just odd when one actually gets a twitch from it. Especially since now I'm trying to relax, and the twitching doesn't make it any easier to relax. **sigh** dunno.

Pregnant vs MS

Today is the first day during the pregnancy that I’ve felt like I had MS again. I was tired, and my legs were all tingly for a few hours. Everything felt heavy, and it was hard to do stuff, even decorate the miniature tree we have. I couldn’t bring myself to tackle the big one. I resigned myself to taking a nap even. First time in a while I’ve done that.
But I have to look at not what’s happened today, but this past week. It’s Thanksgiving week, so of course it’s been busy. Yes, I’m not working, but that didn’t stop me from having a whirlwind Wednesday of cooking up cookies, and making mashed potatoes… and having to run around and find the ingredients I had forgotten. It was a stressful Wednesday for me. I had also taken the dogs to the kenneling place early that day.
But yeah, I forgot mashed potatoes needed milk, so I (stupidly… never ever do this! Even though everything turned out all right) left them on the stove to boil while I went and got milk at McDonalds. I didn’t need a lot, like half a cup, otherwise I would have just ran to the store. But it was just as quick, and I got the right amount. Problem was my loving husband, whom I love, felt the need to show me something when I was getting ready to leave. It took him a bit of time to get the box of goodies from the freezer. Meanwhile, I just kept getting more and more adjectated because I knew there was stuff that needed to get off the stove and it was past the time they should have been on. My head was reeling with thoughts of a burning house due to overdone potatoes all because I needed half a cup of milk.
When I finally got back to the house, all was fine... except my nerves probably. I know I was in a bad mood, but I wasn't mad at Chris, I just kept thinking how stupid I was for doing something like that. I promise I won't do it again.
And I've gotten used to schedules (for the most part) and so when we didn't leave on time it threw me for a loop again. Why was it taking so long to leave the house? I couldn't even tell you. It just did. We got there, to our dinner destination on time and everything was good. I just felt stressed the whole day, when I shouldn't have. But I did it to myself.
Of course Thursday was Thanksgiving, but not a lot of stress there other than "what do I do?" Everything was already made, or in the final stages when we got there that morning, right in time for breakfast. That fact didn't bother me, I mean, that's why I had cooked the day before... so it'd be easier on the day of. So it was a bit more relaxed, but with all the cooks in the kitchen I felt somewhat useless. So I started taking pictures, until my camera battery died. Then I helped by chopping veggies. Other than that, it was a pretty relaxed Thursday. But emotions were high on my end, and I think it was due to residual bad moodiness from the day before. I was easily annoyed and had to go on a walk to calm/cool down. But it didn't completely work, and I just had to have my loving husband remind me that I was a bit pregnant and due to emotional tendencies. Everyone went on a walk after the dinner and had a grand time looking at one neighbor's extravigant light show. Very impressive, and the dinner together with friends and family made me feel better. Over all, Thanksgiving was a good day.
Then came Black Friday... a stressful day in general. But I thought, from the talk the night before, that it would be actually very reasonable. It seemed to me that Thursday night we had all made a very structured plan. But come the day of, and everyone was confused. "Where are we going? Where are you going? Where do we want to meet? But I thought..." etc. urgh. I thought we had a plan, but it turned out not. Everything still worked out. We went the places we wanted to without hassel, just not in the time frame I thought we had set out for ourselves. This meant that Chris and I left "on time" rather than earlier. The on time schedule meant we would get home in time to pick up the dogs, which was the main thing. But if we had left earlier we could have taken the long way home through Yale and stopped by my family for festivities. But it turns out it was better we didn't anyway. So in retrospect it all worked out for the best. But durring, it was a bit stressful for me.
So three days of on-again off-again stress, yeah... I can see why I was tired today. I have to watch myself and have to remember I'm not Super Woman. I may have the super power of "creating" (not in the God sense, just biologically/scientifically) life, but that doesn't mean I don't need a nap. And sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Because I kept sitting there today going "why am I so tired? I'm not doing anything, and I haven't done anything today." It didn't make sense, till I sat down and starting typing this out. Now it makes total sense, and I'll just have to remind mysef of it next year... and this year at Christmas. Relax, Jess... take a deep breath and nap if you need to. It's perfectly fine, and understandable, considering... I know, I just talked to myself. But it made me smile. Of course now my big stress is that I took such a great nap and can't get to sleep. It'll probably be another hour, but I'll get there... Night.

The Mayonaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

A friend sent this to me, and I've seen it before. I thought I should share it with ya'all. Enjoy and remember it.

When things in our lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded t o fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor r then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Positive Results for FTY720 - MS Oral Drug!

I got this update in an email today. It's also available from the NMSS site. It's exciting to see the results going so well!

Sep 30, 2009
Positive Results Announced from Phase 3 Trial of Fingolimod Pills in Relapsing MS
Novartis International AG announced today that oral FTY720 (fingolimod) was able to significantly reduce relapse rates and slow disability progression over two years in a large-scale, phase 3 trial involving 1,272 people with relapsing-remitting MS. According to a company press release, safety data confirmed a positive benefit-risk profile for the lower of two doses tested, and the company plans to submit applications to drug regulatory agencies for marketing approval of the potential therapy at the end of 2009.
Background: FTY720 binds to a docking site (sphingosine-1-phosphate receptor, or S1P receptor) on immune cells, including T cells and B cells, that have been implicated in causing nervous system damage in MS. The drug appears to induce immune cells to remain in lymph nodes, where they can do little harm, preventing them from migrating into the brain and spinal cord.
Positive results from an earlier phase 2 study led to several large-scale phase 3 trials. Initial positive results from the TRANSFORMS study, comparing two different doses of fingolimod with Avonex® (interferon beta-1a, Biogen Idec) over only one year were presented at the American Academy of Neurology meeting in spring 2009. Adverse side effects seen more often in the fingolimod treatment groups in this trial included temporary reductions in heart rate at the start of therapy, small increases in blood pressure, and a few cases of macular edema (swelling of the back of the eye). Two deaths from herpes infections occurred in the group taking the higher dose of fingolimod, and seven cases of localized skin cancer occurred in the fingolimod groups.
This Study: The FREEDOMS study involved 1,272 people who had had symptoms of relapsing-remitting MS for an average of 8.2 years at the start of the trial. The participants were randomly assigned to one of two different daily oral doses of fingolimod or inactive placebo. The primary endpoint established for the study was the rate of relapse. Other endpoints measured included changes in disability progression, safety and disease activity detected with MRI scanning of the brain.
According to a company press release, results showed that after two years, the drug significantly reduced the annualized relapse rates by 54% (lower dose) and 60% (higher dose) compared with placebo, and reduced progression of disability by 30% (lower dose) and 32% (higher dose) over placebo. In terms of safety, the press release stated that there were no cases of macular edema or melanoma in those taking the lower dose, but further information about these potential adverse events was not provided in these initial results. There were reversible elevations of liver enzymes, lung infections, and mild elevation in blood pressure observed in those on active therapy. Three people died during the trial, one on the higher dose and two on placebo, but these deaths were not thought to be attributable to the therapy. The press release states that future development of FTY720 will focus on the lower dose.
Further details about both benefits and adverse events are expected to be released at an upcoming medical meeting in 2010. Other phase 3 clinical trials of fingolimod, including one involving people with primary progressive MS, are still under way, as are extension studies involving those who’ve completed trials. These should provide additional data on safety and efficacy.
Comment: “This is potentially a breakthrough study, and we look forward to seeing further details when they are available,” said John R. Richert, MD, Executive Vice President of Research and Clinical Programs at the National MS Society. “Having oral therapies in the MS pipeline is real progress, and it should increase the number of people who choose to begin therapy earlier and who stay on therapy, which our experts say is the best way to combat future disease activity.”
Avonex is a registered trademark of Biogen Idec

Doc Day

Ok, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! And I don't want to keep taking things that might hurt my baby. I've resigned myself to going to the doctor. I'm a bit nervous, because I also want to ask them about getting a flu shot. I've gotta stop coughing all the time. It hurts my body. I know that it's not supposed to be able to hurt the fetus, but I don't want to take any chances... and I want to stop coughing!
Doctor's office, here I come.

Sinus Sickness

I've been sick for a number of days. I'd say since Wednesday night. Wednesday the 16th. So, yes. It's been over 7 days since it started. I was going to get my fluu shots done, but it seems that since I'm since I'm not going to. It wasn't supposed to last this long, urgh. It sucks, but it's getting better every day. It was getting worse, but now I'm better. It's just major drainage. I wasn't able to lay down, I had to sleep sitting up, which is not that comfortable. I was waking up every couple of hourse, and still do, but now it's every four hours, not two. I'm taking all sorts of medicine, yes meds that are okay for preggers. Tylenol and some Sudafed. It was so bad I actually struggled to breathe a little bit without coughing when I was sleeping. I was grinding my teeth to ease the pressure, but that's not good, so I even had to go get a mouth/teeth guard.

New Computer

Yeah! I've got a new computer! I'm so very excited.
But you know me, of course I'm debating if I got the right one. It was between this one, witht he blue-ray player and bigger screen, or the one that was more compact. I'm pretty sure I got the right one, because it's got all the bells and whistels. The only reason I debate the other still is the compactness. I had complained a lot about my last one (which is the same size) being so big and heavy, and thus hard to tote around. And the fact that this one is the same size kind of makes me go... hmmm, maybe I should have gone with the smaller one, except it doesn't have the bells and whistles. So I ask, did I make the right decision?
Yeah, of course I did... right?

Light Headed

On the 9th I fainted... while at work. Today, I started to get spots in front of my eyes again and had to sit down. It got really bad, my eyesight was harsh.
Just an update.
The doctors said it was due to a lack of protein in my diet. But I'm starting to wonder about stuff.

Myself

I haven't been feeling the best about myself lately. I haven't been feeling ill, per-see, just not myself. I can tell I'm not on the manic meds, and I'm noticing a reversion back to who I was, and not that I didn't enjoy being myself. I just feel I've matured since then. Now, though, there's a sense of undoing. I don't want to be on the medication while I'm pregnant, so I'm just having to keep a closer eye on myself. It's an odd concept, and I'm not sure many others understand. It's hard to explain. There's two sides of me battling for the rights over who gets to control me. Just imagine the little devil and angel on each sholder. That's what it's like.

Dull

I've been pretty dull lately in my life. I'm trying to find a lot of little things out: mainly all to do with budget. Why is money always such a large factor with everything?
Anyway, that is my life lately: I'm not willing to do anything more active than sit on the couch, while clutter piles further. Even spending time on the internet is tedious.

First in a while

This is the first time in quite some time that I've felt the symptoms of MS. I mean, other than the fatigue.
Today, for some unexplainable reason, my extremities have been tingly off and on. Not anything to worry about, just an update and so I can remember the occurrence.

Phoney Phone

Ring, Ring
Who's there?
No one!
?



I'm sure you're trying to figure out this line of thought, but wonder no more! I'm here to tell you that my phone has officially died. :( It's upsetting, yes, but I did go to the ATT store and they said I was due for a new one anyway, so... Yippiee!
Problem is figuring out which one...? I'm so terrible at choosing stuff like that! I'm confused and don't know what to get. Peer pressure keeps telling me "oh, you should get an Apple iPhone!" but a part of me really likes my BlackBerry. Then there's another part of me that goes, "try something new!" There are some really great, inexpensive, Samsungs.

So I'm wondering what you all's thoughts on the matter are?

Don't bother giving me a call about this because my phone is dead (won't take the charge at all now). Just email me your thoughts. :)

Botox

This clip always makes me laugh... ah the wonder that is botox and why anyone would put it in themselves.

Broken

Another song I like off the radio. Broken by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm Not Allright

Nothing about me personally. It's just a song I heard that I liked. It's called I'm Not Allright by Sanctus Real

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you

Body Ache

My body must have known to wait till after today. I've been fighting off Lhermittes for a while now, rubbing my neck and readjusting. My legs have been getting tingly more often. But today, once I came home from the last of "Harvey"... I could feel it.
It was a quick set in. My eyes are having problems even focusing, and my hands are taking their time typing (or I should say retyping), my mental focus is also problematic, and my body is tingling all over... not in the good way.
My muscles feel tight, and I know my neck is. But anything that isn't numb, tingles. At least my body was kind enough to wait till I was done with things.

Going through the motions

There are two different songs I like that have the same idea (and some words):

Going Through the Motions
- Buffy (Once More with Feeling)
BUFFY
Every single night
The same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real
Nothing here is right
I've been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart
I was always brave and kind of righteous
Now I find I'm wavering
Crawl out of your grave
You find this fight just doesn't mean a thing

VAMP
She ain't got that swing

BUFFY
Thanks for noticing

DEMON AND VAMPS
She does pretty well with fiends from hell
But lately, we can tell
That she's just going through the motions (Going through the motions)
Faking it somehow

DEMON
She's not even half the girl she - ow.

BUFFY
Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?

HANDSOME YOUNG VICTIN MAN
How can I repay - -

BUFFY
- Whatever.
I don't want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be
Alive!



The Motions
- Matthew West
This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a famous female psychiatrist that lectured on the emotional rollercoaster of death and dying.

• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.

• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.

• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.

• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.

• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.

• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.

• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

She and her stages have been on my mind for a little while. I keep trying to remember what they each were. These are the stages those with terminal diseases go through, and anyone who has have to deal with someone else's death. You get thru them all and eventually move on.
People with chronic deases go through them as well. Unfortunately, we do not move on. Unlike cancer patients, those with MS do not die after the diagnosis is positive. Nor do they recover. MS is what it is, and you go through the same stages as anyone else having recieved such a terrible diagnosis. Yes, MS will not kill you, but there are times you almost wish it would. That usually goes with the depression and anger stages.
I've gone through my stages, once. But with MS, since you live through it and then continue to live with it, it never fully goes away. You have to deal with these stages over and over and over. I generally live in the acceptance stage now, but there are moments, fleating moments that I have to go through the others again. There is no escape from it once you are diagnosed. It's a slow death sentence, with plenty of time to think and rethink it over. Like I said, after acceptance you usually forget about it, but there are reminders that come up and have to be dealt with. Each time I have to go through the emotions again.

President Obama to lift Stem Cell Ban

President Obama is signing an executive order today lifting some stem sell research restrictions. This is a good thing for MS research as well as Alzheimer's, cancer, ALS, Parkinson's... and a whole laundry list of other bad things.

There was an interview of Michelle Obama a few weeks ago and she said her father died of MS. I assume she meant he died from MS related complications. Either way, I think lifting the ban on stem cell research will have great benefits from people suffering from all sorts of diseases, including all of the autoimmune diseases. It is fabulous news for all of us.

I'm hesitant to be an advocate for all types of stem cell research, due to the moral dilemma placed behind it. I'd rather stem cell research came from the placenta. The placenta is the uterine lining that provides nutrients to the embryo. It is discarded at birth. I think with the number of live births, this can be a very useful thing; and it would be indicative of the research capabilities.

Golas

Sniff, Sniff... I miss my Golas.
Am I really that materialistic... well, yes. You don't know me if you ask that question. I had a really cool pair of red shoes that were perfect for me. They had great all-around grip to them, good arches, and were no laces, just velcro. That and they were really cool looking. I've not seen anything like them on anyone else.
I don't think I'd ever have gotten rid of them, they were so comfy, except that Tira ate the velcro a long time ago. I got so upset I actually searched for another pair like them (UK size 5) and it's mission:impossible. Where oh where did those little shoes go? After a no go on finding them, I just stuck it out. I got a safety pin and just attached the half eaten piece a bit firmer to the normal side. It worked for a while, but it was harder to work lately. So, I finally got on the bandwagon with Chris and gave away butt loads of stuff to Goodwill... and sad to say, the Gola's went away.
Now, Gola's aren't easily available in the US, and I was in London when I found them, and they were so hard to find when I actually decided on them. As far as feelings for material items go: I love my red Golas. I like them so much I've bought other styles (the red ones are the System style). I enjoy them and they are really good shoes, but they are not my signature shoes like the Systems.
"A dope pair of kicks made a girl feel good about herself." - Eve
This is very true. I feel sad that I lost such a bad-ass pair of shoes. Almost like loosing a bit of my personality and myself. If you can find it, get 'em for me, and I will pay you back. I don't care if I end up with fifty pairs. I will wear them for the rest of my life! Help me on this search, please?

MS Pixi

Ugh! Pixi ran away today, again. It took me an hour to chase her down, she went all over and wouldn't listen to me. Right now she's in her kennel for the second hour. I'm gonna leave her in there for the rest of the day! She made me sooo mad!
My muscles hurt and are all tingly... stupid MS. I'm tired, and when I came in I was so cold it hurt.
Stupid dog! I really hate that she does that! It's so bad that when she does this it effects me in so many ways. I don't know what to do about her, suggestions?
I know Chris wants to get an electric fence, but I think it wouldn't cost as much if we just patched the hole. It's not a dug hole, like normally with her. She's actually been really good about not digging. She dug the cable line up in an small spot by the house, but we covered it up and she got the point, we think. Also she did tare up a patch or two of the sod that didn't take.
The hole that she keeps getting out of is a separation between the fence and the house. It kind of defeats the purpose of the fence if you ask me. I think they should have left a little of the chain link and attached it to the house. I don't know how to fix it where it'll look good.
I just hate that she gets out like this. It's not fair. Cause now I have to watch her every move and walk her by leash instead of letting her roam free.

Shaking

I've been shaking a lot lately, mainly in my hands. Not that I don't do that on a semi-normal basis, but it's more noticeable lately.
A few nights ago my whole body was shaking, like shivers when you're cold. I am normally cold, but I wasn't cold. I was actually warm. I couldn't stop shaking unless I really really tried.
I think it's mainly because of the weather, and my muscles are tense a lot of the time. Overtension of muscles can cause massive shaking when they relax, and minor shaking while under tension. So I'm not worried, just documenting it to remember.

Living with Multiple Sclerosis and staying positive

This was a video post by someone going through an episode. I thought it was somewhat refreshing to see someone being so positive about it and she has great descriptions of what's going on.

Retiring Hank Dooley's Basketball Jersey: Feb. 3

Ms. O wants to let everyone know that on February 3, 2009, there is a high school basketball game in Yale. During half time of the boys game, they are going to retire Hank's jersey. It would be great if everyone that knew Hank was able to be there. So tell everyone you know.

PS. They will also be retiring David Williams' jersey as well.

Computer Crash

Crap crap crap!
My external memory went caput the other day, so I took it to Best Buy's Geek Squad, and they just called me. They can't retrieve any of it, it's completely fried.
So everything I've had for the past three years (and more) has been erased completely! Grr, this makes me so upset. I don't have any of my music, written works, or (most importantly) my photos! All my portfolio pictures, honeymoon pictures, and any other trips I've taken have been completely wiped clean! I hate this. I put them on that drive so I could have them later, but now I've completely lost them. This is such a big upset to me because I feel like I've lost my memories.
I know this sounds weird, but with the MS I felt I needed to back-up my mental memories, and I thought I could do that with gigabites. I don't know what to do, and it's just making me so depressed. I feel like I've lost all my memories and that I'll never be able to retrieve them again. I hate this.

Nothing Is Impossible

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
- Matthew 17:20

All-powerful Lord, Your might is a part of my life. The incredibleness of this truth is my reason for often neglecting Your resource. How can it be possible that You allow Your children such strength? What an awesome God You are. History shows us that kings of men often strip their followers of hope. But You clothe those in Your kingdom with possibility.
Show me what faith, even the smallest faith, can accomplish, Lord. Next time I face a mountain on my spiritual journey, I will not ask if You will help me to the top. Instead, I will draw forth a faith that requires the obstacle be moved altogether.

Facing the Storm

Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
- Matthew 8:24-26

Craziness consumes me, Lord. Beneath the confidence I show the world, God, You know an ocean of fear rocks and swells. That is why I avoid quiet time with You. I'm afraid to face the storm.
God, I am just like the disciples who followed You and listened to Your many explanations of what it means to believe. I have heard Your parables and witnessed Your faithfulness, yet I cry, "Save me," with little faith. Pull my gaze to Your eyes. Do not let me look at the waves about to crash into my ordered world. When the winds die down and I face You on the calm waters, I want to be found standing as a faithful servant.

Restored by Faith

He touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you"; and their sight was restored.
- Matthew 9:29-30

Heal me, Lord, from the inside out. My spirit is sick from worry and stress. Create a healthy soul inside this temple. I have neglected to nourish my spirit - show me the way back. Wounds ignored for too long need Your healing touch. Remove scars that remind me of old but not forgotten hurts. I trust You to mend my brokenness.
Let me have the same belief when I need physical healing. I know You hear and answer these prayers. Help me to understand that I do not understand the vast number of ways in which You heal. My human eyes can be blind to Your acts of mercy. Restore my sight, Lord. Let me feel Your touch and hear You say, "According to your faith will it be done to you."

Unhealthy Living

Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; my bones have no soundness because of my sin.
- Psalm 38:3

My sin is like a wound. When left unattended, it becomes more painful, spreads, and deepens. The damage becomes more difficult to repair. But when I come to You right away, Lord, and confess my sin, the healing begins immediately. "Freedom from sin" is no longer just a phrase or bit of head knowledge. It is a real happening in my life. I actually have the sensation of a burden removed from my spirit.
Hear my prayers, Lord. Listen to my cries of repentance. Restore the strength of my flesh, bones, and soul.

Letting Go of Nothing

Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life.
- Proverbs 4:13

When I filter out needless information from my gathering of knowledge, what remains are the eternal truths You provide. In my busyness, I acquire a lot of worthless detail about so many different things. I memorize addresses, PIN codes, passwords, airport regulations, and word processing shortcuts. There is little room left for Your instruction.
Clear my mind, Lord. Details are important, but when I come to You in prayer, I want to let go of these bits of nothingness. Let them fade away so I can hold tightly to Your instruction as You speak it into my heart.

Justice for All

Many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that man gets justice.
- Proverbs 29:26

I want to be heard, Lord. I always want to tell my side of a situation so an authority can vindicate me. But it is You, Lord, who should receive my call for justice. You are the judge of my soul and my life - why should I seek out any other rulers? In the same way, help me to resist determining the fate of another. It is not my right to stand in Your place.
Lord, guide me in Your ways when there is conflict. Fill me with wisdom, honesty, and courage, and let me rely on their strength if I am accused. Keep me blameless so no harm is brought to Your name. Guard my heart from resentment if I am not treated fairly. May I live out forgiveness and faith, anticipating the justice of love I will receive when in Your presence.

Self-Deception

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
- 1 John 1:8

To maintain my sense of status in the world, I sometimes build myself up with half-truths. I have moments when I would rather believe lies that seek Your truth. I am weak in that way. But the bottom always falls out from beneath plans based in deception. Sooner or later I end up back at the foot of the cross.
I have such sin, Lord. When I compare my human fickleness to Your godly steadfastness, I am ashamed. But there is redemption in faith that is grounded in Your goodness. I return to You and Your unchanging truth.

Longing for Company

And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heard and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?
- Deuteronomy 10:12-13

When was the last time I spoke to You from my heart? Some days bring trials, others bring joy. Today brings a mixture of both. I am thankful to have entered into Your presence because I was longing for Your company without even knowing it.
Is my day going as You planned? Am I missing something wonderful, important, divine? Help me embrace today's complexities, questions, and ordinary demands. Somehow just sitting here in Your presence is changing my outlook for the rest of today. Did You need to remind me that You were walking beside me? My pace has been so fast, sometimes even reckless, that I forgot how steady a moment can be. With just a brush of Your Spirit, my day has taken on the color of hope.

Off Track

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord.
- Proverbs 21:30

I have a planner overflowing with... well, plans, of course. Each day's box lays claim to a portion of my life. I know that each time I set a commitment down in blue ink, I am also claiming a portion of the time You have planned for me. I imagine I am steering things in the wrong direction more times than not. I take great comfort in knowing You are able to guide my random efforts back to Your intention for my life.
As I make plans for the days ahead, may I seem Your guidance, Your priorities, and Your will. When I follow Your direction, the meaning of each day is magnified. The possibilities to serve You becomes clear.

Moving On

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
- Isaiah 43:18-19

Free me from the past, Lord. I spend too much time there. Good times that have come and gone replay in my mind so often that I miss the wonder of today's joy. Cause me to return to the present, Lord. Draw my attention back to the life in front of me. My past has nothing to offer You or myself. But today... now... has so much to offer.
Give me a view of new wonders You are doing. I imagine they are brilliant happenings. Do not let my mind slip to the past, except to count the times You have blessed me. Then I must move on. My past serves my future... it is a foundation for all days that follow. Now, I must invest my time, my dreams, my prayers on the future You have carved out for me.

Savoring

A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul, but fools detest turning from evil.
- Proverbs 13:19

"Be careful what you wish for." Oh, the wise sayings of man! But it is true. The rush of claiming an object of longing pushes aside any thoughts of consequences. I know I set my sights on desires that are not of You. But the pursuit can be sweet nonetheless. Lord, help me see how these worldly prizes are empty.
Turn my eyes and spirit from the road leading to ruin. Set my path in the right direction. Give my heart a passion for Your knowledge, grace, and love. When earthly longings enter my field of vision, let me see them for what they are: distractions. Let nothing keep me from absolute fulfillment in You. Let me savor Your sweetness.

Waiting to Talk

You will call and I will answer you; you will long for the creature your hands have made.
- Job 14:15

I have allowed days and days to go by without talking to You, Lord. In fact, a whole season of life seems to have blurred by while I tapped my fingers and waited for change, peace, better things. Why in a time of drought do I forget to pray for rain? I have failed to keep up my end of the dialogue in the past, and You have been faithful. I suppose it is because You have not left. You wait. You move in and through my life and wait for me to respond.
So I called to You today, Lord. On my knees I bow before You and pray for You to hear me. Before Your presence covers me, I taste the dryness of desperate longing. I understand what it means to wait for a response from someone I love.

Working Toward Maturity

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
- James 1:4

That problem I neglected to give over to You has circled back to me again. While I did not bring it to You, I did toss it into the cosmos, and I thought it would sort of drift forever. Well, it is here now for a return engagement. Lord, help me give this to You once and for all. Then give me strength to learn the lesson of perseverance.
I require so much work, Lord, and yet You continue to provide me with what I need, when I need it. I never lack for anything. I am grateful for the times when You called me to wait, to learn, to push through a situation. You patiently work in my life so that I may become complete in You.

Remaining

Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.
- 1 Corinthians 7:24

I want to shed my current situation. But I know You have called me to be here. This "now" I am experiencing is within Your will. I sense that when I pray for release. You ask me to be patient, willing, and open.
I am overwhelmed by responsibilities I juggle in life. Ordering their priority is not simple. Help me relize that I don't have to understand how all these ieces fit together in a master plan. My only responsibility is to You. My commitment to rest in my current situation is an act of faith. I follow Your call and hold onto the hope of things to come.

Your Perfect Will

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will.
- Romans 12:2

So many choices and decisions seem to fill my world, Lord. I pray to rest in Your will and Your way so that I do not lose sight of my future as a child of God. My work can consume me, and my worries about material things can undermine the blessings. Change my heart, Lord. Let the matters of eternal importance become my priority list.
Oh, how I crave a life of significance. But even as I pray, a flood of insecurities can fill me, and I have no room left for the purpose You wish to pour into my cup. Let me not be anxious to fill my life with clutter and trivial distractions, Lord. Let my life, my heart, my soul be vessels that await the flow of Your Spirit.

Let It Be

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
- Matthew 6:34

I want control over today and tomorrow. I know you can do a much better job, Lord, but I still battle for control. I don't have a great track record when I try to take the reins from Your hands. Let today affect my tomorrow. Give me the strength I need in this moment to give You my tomorrow.
There will be worries. There will be struggles. But tomorrow is also filled with possibility. I am inching closer to eternity, and this is a journey I want to savor, not suffer through. Give me the courage to live fully today and await tomorrow with great hope.

Hope and a Future

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to Prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a faliure."
- Jeremiah 29:11

My to-do lists and the task reminders that pop in my computer screen reflect a bit of my nature. Lord, I like to know what will occur and how it will take place. No surprises for me, please. I equate the unknown with potential problems. Cure me, Lord, of such a pessimistic view of my future. I have hope... I just want control too. It is so very shortsighted of me to have such little trust in You, the Creator of the world and of my life.
Reach out and still my active worried mind so it recives and accepts Your Word. You have places to prepare me and not to harm me. Replace my anticipation of complications with assurance of security. May I start and end my to-do lists with prayers of thanksgiving.

Release Me from Worry

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
- Luke 12:25-26

Lord, you are my source of strength in all things. How do I forget that Your mighty hand is placed upon my life? Today, I give over to You the many things that occupy my mind and my heart. Help me to release my worries to You as they take hold of me. These anxieties keep me from embracing the life You have planned for me. Your mercy surrounds me with comfort. Your love is my source of strength, and it is my future.
Meet me today, Lord. Here in this moment. In the midst of the troubles that weigh me down. Sometimes it is difficult for me to ask for help. To admit to weakness. But my soul is weary, and I want to give my burdens over to You. You are a mighty, faithful God. Thank You, Lord, for hearing my prayers today and every day. My spirit is buoyed as my prayers are spoken. I love You, Lord.

- from "One-Minute Prayers for Women"

Much ado about... a sink

Okay, the reason we're not moving into the new house until next week, and the reason there was so much stress and waiting on the closing, was that the sinks were too short.
I know that might not sound like a big deal to some, but it is to me. Chris didn't notice because he's so tall that all sinks are short.
It bothered me when they first got but in, but no one listened/believed me. I finally got to measure the sinks in the new house, the ones in our current rental, and the ones in the model home. The sinks in the new house were 2.5-3 inches shorter than the rest. I tried to tell people, but they just brushed me off.
Finally, the day before closing, I told them we weren't going to close unless they promised to solve this problem. I didn't expect them to fix it that day, I just wanted a contract stating that they would soon fix it.
There was much arguing that I wasn't directly a part of. They tried offering us installation of fans, and grannet to put as a breakfast bar. I said "those are great, but I still want the sinks fixed... In fact I just want the sinks fixed. I don't care about the other stuff. We were planning on doing that ourselves anyway."
They finally, begrudgingly, agreed. But they said we couldn't move anything in until they were completely done, for liability sake. We agreed, it makes sense.
I just hate that it took me being so bitchy for it to get fixed. I'll just be glad when we can get moved in and unpacked.