Job

I worry... I worry a lot. I hear the radio, but it's not on. I hear a conversation, and it's not in my head. I follow the sound, it has a source of nothing. But I swear it's from right over there. It just makes me more paranoid. Is someone there?
I know I should take my medicine, but it's to the point now that I'm afraid. And I know it's stupid to be afraid, but I am. What if it's the wrong medication? I need to know for sure. But I need to know soon, and durring the day I dont want to think about all the things I think about. I don't want to feel the way I feel when I get mad or angry or upset. I just want to happy times. So no, I dont call the doctor, because the doctor wont be able to see me right away. They'll want me to start my medicine without testing to see if it's right. It's not right... it can't be.
It makes me feel so numb, not like the other stuff, but just blah. No ups... no downs.... no nothing. just blah. I want to be happy. I want to be organized. I want to just be rid of the rest of the stuff. I hate going in and they look at me like I'm crazy. I'm not, but I don't know what I am. I don't want them to judge me, so I don't want to tell them how I feel, or what I think, or what I hear. I'm not crazy. But that's what I fear.
Is it wrong I feel the way I do? There are so many questions that I can't control. Can I just curl up into a ball and stay there. just let the world move around me.
Give me peace. Give me rest.
But my children... I love them, but they torture me so. I know they don't mean to, which makes it even harder. If I knew they meant to do the stuff they do, I mean, really mean to do it... spitefully, I would just leave. I would just up and go. I've thought about it plenty of times... just leaving. Just riding myself of all this stuff, all the problems, and worries on my mind. But then I think about them, and yes, they are some of those things, but I don't think I could leave them. I don't want to miss them or any part of their lives. But I want to feel better and I think the only way for me to do so is to get far away from mine. I ask for patience, I ask for help. All I feel is guilt and sadness. I don't want ot leave them, but I need to get away. Just for a little while.
I wish I could pause time so I could go away and when I came back nothing will have changed or happened. They will not have grown up any or aged, and I won't have missed a moment of their lives. But I fear saying stuff like that too because that isn't how reality works, and when something doesn't grow up or age it is dead... and I do not want that for my children. The thought scares me to even think the words. Protect them while I'm gone. Protect them from me. I just want to run and go, but I don't even know where. I'm just so tired. Leave me alone.

So yesterday I met with dr Webb and he said I should get an MRI. And I completely agree.
I know that sounds weird. I kept thinking I was doing so well but when I had to look back and tell him all possible ms instances ... Well, it just makes me depressed.
My speech capabilities and mental sharpness has noticeably decreased. It takes me longer to remember or think up certain words. And I don't notice things that I should that are right in front of me.
I've been having slight irritation with my left eye: it sometimes feels like it's blurry around the edge, like something is smudged on my glasses.
I've got the tingling in my legs a few times but not long enough for it to be noticeable.
And as for fatigue? Well I've always dismissed it as the fact that I'm now a mother of two.
It was only when I started telling him all those instances that I realized just how bad it was. Those combined with the bump I got from jumping in the car too fast made him want me to get one.
So we will see how my brain has changed or if it's all in my head.

I'm trying to keep things in my head so they don't just pop out. I need to think things over and not act impulsively, a bad habit from bad times that needs to be rectified.
Just gotta get things figured out before I explode!

I loved reading Shel Silverstein poems when I was growing up, and this is one that still rings true. With my current state of nesting going on, I thought I'd share it with you:

What If
by Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow talle?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

Why am I still awake?! It's so late it's early. The sun will rise any minute now, and I'm tired, but I can't go to sleep! Grrr... I hate this. Part of it's due to massive amounts of acid making it's way back up my throat (gotta love the pregnancy heartburn).
But most of it's due to anxiety. I'm going to have to take something for it tomorrow night, because tonight is pretty well shot for me taking anything. I woke up around 3 contemplating paint stuff, and ended up touching up the tree trunks for a little bit. Then decided to wait and let the paint dry... I was going to do some leaves, but I'm leaving that for now (hahaha). I think I will try again to fall asleep.

Sorry I haven't been one for updating lately. I seem to have become super busy. But the girls (dogs) are tuckered out and not really wanting to move around the house, Chris is away late at work, and I've got the computer glued to my lap... so I'm going to attempt it.
With the holidays passing by with Chris' vacation time the business has come and hopefully stalled for a little while. But I know it'll be the new year before I can put the breaks on. I mean, we've still got the cotton bowl and then LBG will be coming any time after that! Oye... can I make it? I hope so.

I had so many ideas for what to do today... and yet, I'm feeling yuckie. Maybe after a quick shower I'll feel better. But over the past few days my stomache (not the baby part of the belly) has been yuckie. I've felt like throwing up a couple of times due to heartburn, and it's been extremely uncomfortable. If I'm not feeling better after a bit of a nap (after the shower) I'm going to talk to the doctor again. It really just feels like I ate something wrong or too much, so I'm not horridly worried.