Control

One of (what I consider to be) my greater strengths is also one of my greatest weaknesses. My need for control has always been an issue with me. And when I feel like I'm loosing control I go crazy.
I think that's why I was the rock at patty's funeral and why I hate to cry in church.
I came to this realization tonight with a little help from my friends. No, they didn't laughingly point out this fault to me. I realized it on my own while I was out with them having a margarita.
You see, even now pride gets ahold of me when I tell you that my 5'3" frame used to be able to drink grown men under the table (ok, maybe not grown men but frat boys are close enough in this regards). I lost control once and got $h!tface drunk... And that was when my Nana died (vodka has never looked the same since).
Anyway, I was out with the lylas ladies having margaritas when it hit me like a load of bricks. I started feeling a bit buzzed, which was nice, but then also nauseous, which was not so nice. I was kicking myself wondering how this could have happened. Well, for starters I haven't really drank since my honeymoon other than half a margarita the cinco de mayo after my first was born. But I just kept thinking "this is rediculous! I should be able to drink more". But not only could I not drink any more booze, I couldn't bring myself to eat anything else either, even though I knew I needed it to help. I just felt if I put anything else in my mouth that something was going to come back out of it. Not a fun feeling, despite the fun environment.
Anyway, as I sat in the bathroom stall praying that if I was going to puke I do it their rather than my ride's car; I realized how much I needed to feel in control. You see, in the group was my mother-in-law, who is a way cool chick, and I had never really lost it in front of her, other than crying. I didn't want to loose my sense of control in front of her, in spite of knowing that she wouldn't care and we'd all get a big laugh from it later.
You see, my need for control is crippling. It prevents me from doing things and experiencing life (ok, puking your guts out isn't necessarily experiencing life, but you get the gist).
It is a flaw as much as it is a strength.