What I am

I'm a reasonably good person. I don't take illegal drugs. I take what drugs are perscribed to me, and that is all. I don't drink excessive amounts of caffeene. I have about one cafeeninated drink a month, if that. I drink water only, basically. I am by no means a drug addict... but my doctor seems to think so. That's because of the way I went in to see her because I was very tweaky and shaky and had the chills because I can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me. I get these electrical episodes at night that just about kill me and it scares me. My neurologist won't see me for a few more days, so I'm lucky enough to get in to see my internal doctor. She just see's that I'm a crazy drug addict who just happens to admit to being bipolar. "Yes, but if I were being manic right now, I'd be a hell of a lot calmer than this." I say as a flame flairs up in my eyes from its hidden depths.
She gets me in to see my psychologist... great. He doesn't do anything different, just refills the drugs I'm currently on as if nothing's wrong.
Grrrrr....

Well, tomorrow we will see what the "all powerful" Dr. E says about it. Oh, I have a guess: Walk a straight line... now touch your nose... now touch my finger. Good. You're fine. Asshole. Grrr... But anyway, all my doctors now think I'm a psychotic drug attic. Great. They even tried to hide it from me when they were doing the drug testing. They were like "Oh, we're just testing you're B-12 and thyroid levels." Yeah, that's why drug test was circled three times on the sheet as well? I'm waiting for that lab report to come back and kick them in the ass. TOLD YOU SO. Bi-Ai-tch! Sorry, I'm getting readdy for my fighting words tomorrow with Dr. E. He's really the one that pisses me off. And is he gonaa get it... if I can rememeber it all. the damn SOB, lucky he works with people who lose their short term memories. Cursese!! Alright, I'd better get to sleep before the tingling acts up too much. have a good one.

Evita

I wanted to add this insert because these songs from Evita have been playing in my head, the melodies at least, whenever I get down and lonely (which I am not right now, no worries). I just love how moving the music and lyrics are. Tim Rice really speaks to me through her words in the last bit of the first song and the rest of the others. They are just so...**sigh** well, you get what I'm saying. It's beautiful stuff, and I had to share it. Just lovely. As much as it makes me sad when I'm down, it makes me think when I'm in a good place. And think in a good way. It moves me. The love that they show and share, after everything, ends up being so beautiful and pure. He means his love for her, and he really means to stick by her, no matter what. And she tries to be strong... it's just so moving. **sigh** I leave it at that.




12. WALTZ FOR EVA AND CHE

CHE
Tell me before I waltz out of your life
Before turning my back on the past
Forgive my impertinent behavior
But how long do you think this pantomime can last?
Tell me before I ride off in the sunset
There's one thing I never got clear
How can you claim you're our savior
When those who oppose you
Are stepped on, or cut up, or simply disappear?

EVA
Tell me before you get onto your bus
Before joining the forgotten brigade
How can one person like me, say,
Alter the time-honored way the game is played?
Tell me before you get onto your high horse
Just what you expect me to do
I don't care what the bourgeoisie say
I'm not in business for them but to give all my
descamisados
A magical moment or two

CHE and EVA
There is evil, ever around, fundamental
System of government quite incidental

EVA
So what are my chances
Of honest advances?
I'd say low
Better to win
By admitting my sin
Than to lose with a halo

CHE
Tell me before I seek worthier pastures
And thereby restore self-esteem
How can you be so short-sighted
To look never further than this week or next week
To have no impossible dream?

EVA
Allow me to help you slink off to the sidelines
I'll mark your ado with three cheers
But first tell me who'd be delighted

If I said I'd take on the
The world's greatest problems
>From war to pollution?
No hope of solution
Even if I lived for one hundred years

CHE and EVA
There is evil, ever around, fundamental
System of government quite incidental

EVA
So go, if you're able
To somewhere unstable
And stay there
Whip up your hate
In some tottering state
But not here, dear
Is that clear, dear?

Oh what I'd give for a hundred years!
But the physical interferes
Every day more--O my Creator!
What is the good of the strongest heart
In a body that's falling apart?
A serious flaw--I hope You know that

13. Your Little Body's Slowly Breaking Down

PERON
Your little body's slowly breaking down
You're losing speed, you're losing strength--not style--
that goes on
Flourishing forever, but your eyes, your smile
Do not have the sparkle of your fantastic past
If you climb one more mountain it could be your last

EVA
I'm not that ill--bad moments come but they go
Some days are fine, some a little bit harder
But that doesn't mean
We should give up our dream
Have you ever seen
Me defeated?
Don't you forget what I've been through and yet
I'm still standing.

PERON
Eva, you are dying.

EVA
So what happens now?
Where am I going to?

PERON
Don't ask anymore.

14. You Must Love Me

EVA
Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be.
We had it all
You believed in me
I believed in you

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive
How do we keep all our passions alive
As we used to do?

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me
You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed.

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me (repeat three times)


15. EVA'S FINAL BROADCAST

EVA
The actress hasn't learned the lines you'd like to hear.
She's sad for her country.
Sad to be defeated by her own weak body.

(a microphone is switched on--she is now on the air)

CROWD
Evita! Evita! Evita!

EVA
I want to tell the people of Argentina
I've decided I should decline
All the honors and titles you've pressed me to take
For I'm contented--let me simply go on
As the woman who brings her people to the heart of
Peron!

Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I shall not leave you
Though it may get harder
For you to see me
I'm Argentina
And always will be

Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think
of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me to know that every
word is true

16. LATIN CHANT


CHE
She had her moments--she had some style
The best show in town was the crowd
Outside the Casa Rosada crying, "Eva Peron"
But that's all gone now--

17. LAMENT

(In her last hours, images, people and events from EVA's
life flow through her mind, while the grief of the nation
knows no bounds)

EVA
The choice was mine and mine completely
I could have any prize that I desired
I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire
Or else--or else I could choose time
Remember I was very young then
And a year was forever and a day
So what use could fifty, sixty, seventy be?
I saw the lights and I was on my way

And how I lived! How they shone!
But how soon the lights were gone!

(The moment EVA dies, EMBALMERS move in to
preserve her fragile body)

CHE
The choice was your's and no one else's
You can cry for a body in despair
Hang your head because she is no longer there
To shine, or dazzle, or betray.
How she lived, how she shined
But how soon the lights were gone


EMBALMERS
Eyes, hair, face, image
All must be preserved
Still life displayed forever
No less than she deserved

Sometimes Late at Night

Sometimes, late at night, my legs suddenly feel like they're on fire. Almost immediately I start to twitch. The pain is so bad, My legs are under the crushing pressure of each other. The burning is so immense that it's actually cold instead of hot, and I start shivering. My torso feels like it's got a lasso around it, tightening and tightening, constricting my lungs and causing a pain in the middle of my back (like lying on a baseball with rusty nails). But it only happens when I'm trying to sleep late at night, not during the day, so we're still trying to figure things out.

FDA Warning Topamax

FDA Alerts Health Care Providers to Risk of Suicidal Thoughts and Behavior with Antiepileptic Medications
..


..FDA ALERT
..
The FDA has analyzed reports of suicidality (suicidal behavior or ideation) from placebo-controlled clinical studies of eleven drugs used to treat epilepsy as well as psychiatric disorders, and other conditions. These drugs are commonly referred to as antiepileptic drugs (see the list below). In the FDA's analysis, patients receiving antiepileptic drugs had approximately twice the risk of suicidal behavior or ideation (0.43%) compared to patients receiving placebo (0.22%). The increased risk of suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation was observed as early as one week after starting the antiepileptic drug and continued through 24 weeks. The results were generally consistent among the eleven drugs. Patients who were treated for epilepsy, psychiatric disorders, and other conditions were all at increased risk for suicidality when compared to placebo, and there did not appear to be a specific demographic subgroup of patients to which the increased risk could be attributed. The relative risk for suicidality was higher in the patients with epilepsy compared to patients who were given one of the drugs in the class for psychiatric or other conditions.

All patients who are currently taking or starting on any antiepileptic drug should be closely monitored for notable changes in behavior that could indicate the emergence or worsening of suicidal thoughts or behavior or depression.

This information reflects FDA's current analysis of available data concerning these drugs. Posting this information does not mean that FDA has concluded there is a causal relationship between the drug products and the emerging safety issue. Nor does it mean that FDA is advising health care professionals to discontinue prescribing these products. FDA intends to update this document when additional information or analyses become available.

Adverse reactions or quality problems experienced with the use of this product may be reported to the FDA's MedWatch Adverse Event Reporting program; see addresses below.

Considerations for Physicians and Other Health Care Professionals

Data from 199 placebo-controlled clinical studies covering eleven different antiepileptic drugs were reviewed and analyzed for reports of suicidal behavior (completed suicides, suicide attempts and preparatory acts) and suicidal ideation. The studies examined the effectiveness of the drugs in epilepsy, psychiatric disorders (e.g., bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety) and other conditions (e.g., migraine and neuropathic pain syndromes). The analysis included a total of 43,892 patients ages five and older (27,863 in drug treatment groups and 16,029 in placebo groups).

There was a statistically significant increased risk of suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation in the patients randomized to receive an antiepileptic drug compared to patients who received a placebo. The estimated overall risk was about twice that of the placebo group. There were an estimated 2.1 per 1000 (95% CI: 0.7, 4.2) more patients in the drug treatment groups who experienced suicidal behavior or ideation than in the placebo groups.

Four of the patients who were taking one of the antiepileptic drugs committed suicide, whereas none of the patients in the placebo group did. The increased risk of suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation was observed at one week after starting the drug and continued to at least 24 weeks. Because most trials included in the analysis did not extend beyond 24 weeks, the risk of suicidal thoughts or behavior beyond 24 weeks could not be reliably assessed.

FDA will be working with manufacturers of marketed antiepileptic drugs to include this new information in the labeling for these products. FDA is also planning to discuss these data at an upcoming advisory committee meeting.

All patients treated with antiepileptic drugs should be monitored for suicidality and other unusual changes in behavior. Symptoms such as anxiety, agitation, hostility, mania and hypomania may be precursors to emerging suicidality.

Healthcare professionals who prescribe antiepileptic drugs should:

Balance the risk for suicidality with the clinical need for the drug

Be aware of the possibility of the emergence or worsening of depression, suicidality, or any unusual changes in behavior;

Inform patients, their families, and caregivers of the potential for an increase in the risk of suicidality so they are aware and able to notify their healthcare provider of any unusual behavioral changes.

Information for patients, family members, and caregivers:

..Taking antiepileptic medicines may increase the risk of having suicidal thoughts or actions;
..
..Do not make any changes to the medication regimen without first talking with the responsible healthcare professional;
..
Pay close attention to any day-to-day changes in mood, behavior and actions. These changes can happen very quickly so it is important to be mindful of any sudden differences.

Be aware of common warning signs that might be a signal for risk of suicide.

Some of these are:

Talking or thinking about wanting to hurt yourself or end your life

Withdrawing from friends and family

Becoming depressed or having your depression get worse

Becoming preoccupied with death and dying

Giving away prized possessions

If these or any new and worrisome behaviors occur, contact the responsible healthcare professional immediately.

Background and Data Summary

After preliminary analyses of data from several drugs in this class suggested an increased risk of suicidality, in March 2005, FDA requested data from manufacturers of marketed antiepileptic drugs for which there were adequately designed controlled clinical trials in order to review the possible association between these drugs and suicidality events. In an effort to obtain the most complete and accurate data for this review, requests for additional information and clarification were sent to the manufacturers in 2006 and 2007. The analyses performed were similar to those performed by FDA for antidepressant drugs in the last several years.

One-hundred ninety nine placebo-controlled clinical studies covering eleven different drugs were included in the primary analysis. The conditions studied in these clinical trials included epilepsy, selected psychiatric illnesses, and other indications, including migraine and neuropathic pain syndromes. The analysis included 27,863 patients in drug treatment groups and 16,029 patients in placebo groups. Patients included in the analysis were five years of age or older. The individual sponsors of the drugs were responsible for identifying suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation events in their databases based on the instructions provided by FDA.

There were 4 completed suicides among patients in drug treatment groups and none among the patients in placebo groups. Overall, 0.43% of the patients in drug treatment groups experienced suicidal behavior or ideation versus 0.22% of the patients in placebo groups, corresponding to an estimated 2.1 per 1000 (95% CI: 0.7, 4.2) more patients in the drug treatment groups who experienced suicidal behavior or ideation than in the placebo treatment groups (See Table). In this analysis, the relative risk for suicidal thoughts or behavior was higher for patients with epilepsy compared to those patients with psychiatric or other disorders (See Table). The higher risk for suicidal behavior or suicidal ideation was observed at one week after starting a drug and continued to at least 24 weeks. The results were generally consistent among the drugs and were seen in all demographic subgroups. Specifically, there was no clear pattern of risk across age groups.

.... Relative Risk and Risk Difference for
.. Suicidality According to Trial Indication:
..
Indication Placebo Patients with Events Per 1000 Patients Drug Patients with Events Per 1000 Patients Relative Risk:
Incidence of Events in Drug Patients/Incidence in Placebo Patients Risk

Difference:

Additional Drug Patients with Events Per 1000 Patients

Epilepsy 1.0 3.5 3.6 2.5
Psychiatric 5.2 8.3 1.6 3.1
Other 0.8 2.0 2.3 1.1
Total 2.2 4.3 2.0 2.1

The following is a list of antiepileptic drugs* included in the analyses:

Carbamazepine (marketed as Carbatrol, Equetro, Tegretol, Tegretol XR)

Felbamate (marketed as Felbatol)

Gabapentin (marketed as Neurontin)

Lamotrigine (marketed as Lamictal)

Levetiracetam (marketed as Keppra)
Patient Information Sheet

Oxcarbazepine (marketed as Trileptal)

Pregabalin (marketed as Lyrica)

Tiagabine (marketed as Gabitril)

Topiramate (marketed as Topamax)

Valproate (marketed as Depakote, Depakote ER, Depakene, Depacon)

Zonisamide (marketed as Zonegran)

* Some of these drugs are also available in generic form.

Although the drugs listed above were the ones included in the analysis, FDA expects that the increased risk of suicidality is shared by all AEDs and anticipates that the class labeling changes will be applied broadly.



Adverse reactions or quality problems experienced with the use of this Product may be reported to the FDA's MedWatch Adverse Event Reporting program either online, by regular mail or by fax.

Online: www.fda.gov/medwatch/report.htm
Regular Mail: use postage-paid FDA form 3500 available at: www.fda.gov/MedWatch/getforms.htm.
Mail to MedWatch 5600 Fishers Lane, Rockville, MD 20852-9787
Fax: 1-800-FDA-0178