Pregnant vs MS

Today is the first day during the pregnancy that I’ve felt like I had MS again. I was tired, and my legs were all tingly for a few hours. Everything felt heavy, and it was hard to do stuff, even decorate the miniature tree we have. I couldn’t bring myself to tackle the big one. I resigned myself to taking a nap even. First time in a while I’ve done that.
But I have to look at not what’s happened today, but this past week. It’s Thanksgiving week, so of course it’s been busy. Yes, I’m not working, but that didn’t stop me from having a whirlwind Wednesday of cooking up cookies, and making mashed potatoes… and having to run around and find the ingredients I had forgotten. It was a stressful Wednesday for me. I had also taken the dogs to the kenneling place early that day.
But yeah, I forgot mashed potatoes needed milk, so I (stupidly… never ever do this! Even though everything turned out all right) left them on the stove to boil while I went and got milk at McDonalds. I didn’t need a lot, like half a cup, otherwise I would have just ran to the store. But it was just as quick, and I got the right amount. Problem was my loving husband, whom I love, felt the need to show me something when I was getting ready to leave. It took him a bit of time to get the box of goodies from the freezer. Meanwhile, I just kept getting more and more adjectated because I knew there was stuff that needed to get off the stove and it was past the time they should have been on. My head was reeling with thoughts of a burning house due to overdone potatoes all because I needed half a cup of milk.
When I finally got back to the house, all was fine... except my nerves probably. I know I was in a bad mood, but I wasn't mad at Chris, I just kept thinking how stupid I was for doing something like that. I promise I won't do it again.
And I've gotten used to schedules (for the most part) and so when we didn't leave on time it threw me for a loop again. Why was it taking so long to leave the house? I couldn't even tell you. It just did. We got there, to our dinner destination on time and everything was good. I just felt stressed the whole day, when I shouldn't have. But I did it to myself.
Of course Thursday was Thanksgiving, but not a lot of stress there other than "what do I do?" Everything was already made, or in the final stages when we got there that morning, right in time for breakfast. That fact didn't bother me, I mean, that's why I had cooked the day before... so it'd be easier on the day of. So it was a bit more relaxed, but with all the cooks in the kitchen I felt somewhat useless. So I started taking pictures, until my camera battery died. Then I helped by chopping veggies. Other than that, it was a pretty relaxed Thursday. But emotions were high on my end, and I think it was due to residual bad moodiness from the day before. I was easily annoyed and had to go on a walk to calm/cool down. But it didn't completely work, and I just had to have my loving husband remind me that I was a bit pregnant and due to emotional tendencies. Everyone went on a walk after the dinner and had a grand time looking at one neighbor's extravigant light show. Very impressive, and the dinner together with friends and family made me feel better. Over all, Thanksgiving was a good day.
Then came Black Friday... a stressful day in general. But I thought, from the talk the night before, that it would be actually very reasonable. It seemed to me that Thursday night we had all made a very structured plan. But come the day of, and everyone was confused. "Where are we going? Where are you going? Where do we want to meet? But I thought..." etc. urgh. I thought we had a plan, but it turned out not. Everything still worked out. We went the places we wanted to without hassel, just not in the time frame I thought we had set out for ourselves. This meant that Chris and I left "on time" rather than earlier. The on time schedule meant we would get home in time to pick up the dogs, which was the main thing. But if we had left earlier we could have taken the long way home through Yale and stopped by my family for festivities. But it turns out it was better we didn't anyway. So in retrospect it all worked out for the best. But durring, it was a bit stressful for me.
So three days of on-again off-again stress, yeah... I can see why I was tired today. I have to watch myself and have to remember I'm not Super Woman. I may have the super power of "creating" (not in the God sense, just biologically/scientifically) life, but that doesn't mean I don't need a nap. And sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Because I kept sitting there today going "why am I so tired? I'm not doing anything, and I haven't done anything today." It didn't make sense, till I sat down and starting typing this out. Now it makes total sense, and I'll just have to remind mysef of it next year... and this year at Christmas. Relax, Jess... take a deep breath and nap if you need to. It's perfectly fine, and understandable, considering... I know, I just talked to myself. But it made me smile. Of course now my big stress is that I took such a great nap and can't get to sleep. It'll probably be another hour, but I'll get there... Night.

Light Headed

On the 9th I fainted... while at work. Today, I started to get spots in front of my eyes again and had to sit down. It got really bad, my eyesight was harsh.
Just an update.
The doctors said it was due to a lack of protein in my diet. But I'm starting to wonder about stuff.

Myself

I haven't been feeling the best about myself lately. I haven't been feeling ill, per-see, just not myself. I can tell I'm not on the manic meds, and I'm noticing a reversion back to who I was, and not that I didn't enjoy being myself. I just feel I've matured since then. Now, though, there's a sense of undoing. I don't want to be on the medication while I'm pregnant, so I'm just having to keep a closer eye on myself. It's an odd concept, and I'm not sure many others understand. It's hard to explain. There's two sides of me battling for the rights over who gets to control me. Just imagine the little devil and angel on each sholder. That's what it's like.

Going through the motions

There are two different songs I like that have the same idea (and some words):

Going Through the Motions
- Buffy (Once More with Feeling)
BUFFY
Every single night
The same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real
Nothing here is right
I've been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart
I was always brave and kind of righteous
Now I find I'm wavering
Crawl out of your grave
You find this fight just doesn't mean a thing

VAMP
She ain't got that swing

BUFFY
Thanks for noticing

DEMON AND VAMPS
She does pretty well with fiends from hell
But lately, we can tell
That she's just going through the motions (Going through the motions)
Faking it somehow

DEMON
She's not even half the girl she - ow.

BUFFY
Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?

HANDSOME YOUNG VICTIN MAN
How can I repay - -

BUFFY
- Whatever.
I don't want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be
Alive!



The Motions
- Matthew West
This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a famous female psychiatrist that lectured on the emotional rollercoaster of death and dying.

• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.

• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.

• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.

• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.

• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.

• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.

• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

She and her stages have been on my mind for a little while. I keep trying to remember what they each were. These are the stages those with terminal diseases go through, and anyone who has have to deal with someone else's death. You get thru them all and eventually move on.
People with chronic deases go through them as well. Unfortunately, we do not move on. Unlike cancer patients, those with MS do not die after the diagnosis is positive. Nor do they recover. MS is what it is, and you go through the same stages as anyone else having recieved such a terrible diagnosis. Yes, MS will not kill you, but there are times you almost wish it would. That usually goes with the depression and anger stages.
I've gone through my stages, once. But with MS, since you live through it and then continue to live with it, it never fully goes away. You have to deal with these stages over and over and over. I generally live in the acceptance stage now, but there are moments, fleating moments that I have to go through the others again. There is no escape from it once you are diagnosed. It's a slow death sentence, with plenty of time to think and rethink it over. Like I said, after acceptance you usually forget about it, but there are reminders that come up and have to be dealt with. Each time I have to go through the emotions again.

MS Pixi

Ugh! Pixi ran away today, again. It took me an hour to chase her down, she went all over and wouldn't listen to me. Right now she's in her kennel for the second hour. I'm gonna leave her in there for the rest of the day! She made me sooo mad!
My muscles hurt and are all tingly... stupid MS. I'm tired, and when I came in I was so cold it hurt.
Stupid dog! I really hate that she does that! It's so bad that when she does this it effects me in so many ways. I don't know what to do about her, suggestions?
I know Chris wants to get an electric fence, but I think it wouldn't cost as much if we just patched the hole. It's not a dug hole, like normally with her. She's actually been really good about not digging. She dug the cable line up in an small spot by the house, but we covered it up and she got the point, we think. Also she did tare up a patch or two of the sod that didn't take.
The hole that she keeps getting out of is a separation between the fence and the house. It kind of defeats the purpose of the fence if you ask me. I think they should have left a little of the chain link and attached it to the house. I don't know how to fix it where it'll look good.
I just hate that she gets out like this. It's not fair. Cause now I have to watch her every move and walk her by leash instead of letting her roam free.

Rubber Gloves

My hands are doing that no-feeling glove thing it does. On my left it's from the pinkie out, on my right it's from the thumb out. My shoulders feel like they've been sunburnt. My legs are not cooperating, I can't stand up for long periods of time. I'm so tired that I don't like holding myself up for long periods of time. I wish I was at home in bed. I really just want to sleep.
You know how it feels when you lay on your arm and it falls asleep? That's how my arms feel most of the time all over, except the inside ridge. I feel so weak. I just want to sleep. I'm very close to letting everyone out early today, but I know it'd be wrong. 2.5 hours to go... urggghh.
Chris thinks that the symptoms flared up because I started taking Alli. I think it's because all the stress we've had lately. We both thought it was the ring, because right after we got a sizer for it was when I started noticing it. But I've had to go without my ring for a few days (which make me very nervous and unhappy) to double check that theory. I figure we'll cut everything out and start introducing everything one by one slowly. The problem is that it takes a few days to a week for symptoms to show up.

Fatigue

Excrutiatingly fatigued... both today, yesterday and the day before... especially today. I am sooo tired, but my body's awake, it's mainly my eyes. MS sucks. I mean, I can keep working and whatnot, I'm just really tired. Urgh.
Also, my feet had kind of lost feeling the other day, not tingly, just not anything. My hands were similar when I was taking my nails off on Thursday. Now they're just tight in my fingers (the usual suspects: outter ones more so than inner.
Now, though, my feet are really sensitive, so all those days without shoes, now I need them, but I still want to walk around without them.

MS Update

This is just a quick update for what's going on MS wise:
Not alot, thank goodness. But I do have a light bout of optic neuritis in my left eye. It's a bit bothersome because it's right in the middle of my line of vision. I'm sure it's all started from the other night when I cried really hard. the muscles around my eye have been kind of tender since. I figured it was only a matter of time... It still has that raw, tender feeling around it... Round the sinuses... I keep thinking it's something on my glasses.
Also, I feel a little lightheaded, but this is due to getting by on my Tryleptol.
Don't worry, I know that it'll all get better soon.