In a Funk

I need validation... life is begining to look like normalicy is setting in, and that's not the life I imagined for myself. I always thought there was something more for me. I guess I'm asking what? I might just be going crazy to ask this, or I just thought that there was so much more to my life than this. I had dreams, ambition, and now I'm looking at blank years of white picket fences, children and dogs. I woke up out of my medicated slumber realizing I had so much more... I want so much more... and maybe it's just because I feel useless now, dragged down into this funk of a depression because of my fragile body. I want to know that there's more... so much more... that maybe I've strayed, or am on the right path. Scared that this is the life I'm supposed to live after all, that I was just reaching too high to begin with.
This comes all of a sudden, revealing some of my deeper feelings to some I don't even know. But I need to know... I want to know... what's my part in Life? I need to know there's something more to my life than this. If it was all a dream, that's fine... I just need to know. I guess I want to believe there's a more aspiring truth to my life than just the normalicy that scares me awakes at night. I always thought there was more, but everything seems against me. If that's all there is for me, fine. I'll accept it and go on with my life as it is. If not, as I want to believe... I just need to know if there's something different from what I'm spiraling into.
I'm sorry this is so selfish. Please don't think I'm crazy. I just woke myself in the middle of the night and thought I could keep this in no longer. I felt I couldn't wait to reach out (thank goodness for technology, eh?). If nothing else, just credit it to nerves.
People ask me what I want to do... I don't know. I guess this is it. I've kind of given up on everything. I haven't given up on life, because I'm still fighting that struggle with bated breath... every Friday Night I take steps towards prolonging the fraile situation my body will fall into some day. But what about my dreams? What the hell happened to my ambition? I had a plan, and now when asked about it... it's limited to what I'm going to do this week... maybe this month.
I'm living life on a day to day basis, and I've just realized it. I didn't used to. I used to have a drive of something more. I knew I was going to do amazing things. I knew there was something better for me out there. I was going to be somebody. Now I'm looking at just being someone... it's not the same. I'm struggling to stay afloat. The simple life I'm leading is hard... and harder still knowing I wanted more.
I like my life, but it's not what I planned... which is probably why I always answer "I don't know"... because every time I plan something for the future BAM! it gets knocked down by a locamotive. I'm just trying to make it through now.
I could whyne and complain that "it's just not fair", but I'm sure there are other people out there that would dissagree. So I won't. I just don't know what to do about it, besides not plan. I remember doing something similar in college, the I don't know/care beacuse who knows what'll happen next. I just don't like the funk it's put me in.
But what am I looking at, really?! At best living in Oklahoma on the Farm, married with children and dogs. Job? Dunno. And that's it. That's all I've got... at best.
I'm not saying that's a bad life, it's just not the life I was expecting (except maybe when I retired). I dreamed of so much more... and now I feel like less of a person because I don't feel I can reach these goals.
Who am I? I work in a freaking box... in Alabama! Not the life I imagined. Not the creative, greatly adventurous life I imagined someone would want to write about me-life. I didn't want a white picket fence 2.5 children two dogs a cat and four cars... I didn't imagine that for my life. It's not a bad life, I look forward to it, I guess. I guess I'm just scared of what other plans will be changing.
I thought I'd only be here for a few more months, then off to a new state, new job... and now, I have to stay. I just don't understand anymore. I don't know what to say anymore... I don't know.

I'm not that ill

[Peron:]
Your little body's slowly breaking down
You're losing speed, you're losing strength, not style
That goes on flourishing forever
But your eyes, your smile
Do not have the sparkle of your fantastic past
If you climb one more mountain it could be your last

[Eva:]
I'm not that ill, bad moments come but they go
Some days are fine, some a little bit harder
But that doesn't mean we should give up our dream
Have you ever seen me defeated?
Don't you forget what I've been through and yet
I'm still standing

[Peron:]
Eva, you are dying

[Eva:]
So what happens now?
Where am I going to?

[Peron:]
Don't ask anymore

Nurses and Numbness

This weekend's shot was administered by an actual nurse... and it hurt, the quick pop that it was. I turned around to see how it was going, and she already had the needle out. Very very quick. It was a fluid all in one motion or something. But it's nice because it didn't cost me any co-pay. It's a flat insurance fee for injections. But anyway, Sat was hard, and Sunday was tiring, despite extra meds. The puppies didn't make it easier by making their weekly escapes more interesting and complex. They keep finding holes in the fence, so I have to go out and watch them, and they need the sun... sometimes when I need to rest. But that's a past weekend. Chris came home for a bit of it and made a bit of a mess repacking. But the pups were glad to see him, as was I. Anyway, It's Tuesday again, almost halfway through another week! But yesterday was a holiday for me, and I relaxed a bit. Chris took me out to some newly opened resturaunts this weekend (Red Robin and Ruby Tuesday). Good burger places.

Itchy Scratchy

Numbness is a common symptom it seems, at least my most common one. But I've never before felt something like this (cue the music, j/k): My left arm is numb right below the elbow on the top side... and it started by being extremely itchy... which it still is at random times. In fact I didn't even realize it was numb until I started scratching it and noticed that it gave off the numb sensation to the surrounding area. There's no bites, bumps, etc. to blame this on. It's in the same place every time... but now it's starting to spread to my upper arm, so I'm worried about this new development.
So far I've only heard of being numb, never this... I don't even know if I'm describing it properly. The only thing I've done to remedy it when it gets so bad I feel like I'm going to make my arm bleed from scratching so hard is soak the damn thing with half a bottle of Absorbing Jr... .
I can't place when this started, I think last week some time. But here's what I've found out about it so far:
From The MS Information Sourcebook, produced by the National MS Society.

Pruritis (itching) may occur as a symptom of MS. It is one of the family of abnormal sensations-such as "pins and needles" and burning, stabbing, or tearing pains-which may be experienced by people with MS. These sensations are known as dysesthesias, and they are neurologic in origin.

Different from Allergic Itching
Dysesthetic itching may occur suddenly and intensely, but for brief periods. It may be present over any part of the body or face. It is different from the generalized itching that can accompany an allergic reaction, as there is no external skin rash or irritation at the site of itching. Corticosteroid ointments applied to the skin are not helpful in relieving this type of itch.

Medications Can Treat Itching Associated with MS
There are, however, several medications that are usually successful in treating dysesthetic itching. Among them are:

anticonvulsants, such as carbamazepine (Tegretol®), diphenylhydantoin (Dilantin®), and gabapentin (Neurontin®); antidepressants, such as amitriptyline (Elavil®) and the MAO inhibitors; the antihistamine hydroxyzine (Atarax®).

People who experience itching should consult their physician.

Also:
Zonegran. It's actually an epilepsy drug. From what I understand, Zonegran fools the brain into not receiving the phantom itching messages from MS itching.

This Past Weekend

... was painful! I was fully medicated to the teeth due to the soar throat and it being the weekend with shot and all. My throat is all better, but the medicine made me dizzy all weekend. I slept a lot, and Chris was very unforgiving about that. The dizziness is still about, I fall into walls and things. Luckily I only fell down once, but it was with Pixi and I think I scared her. The shot scared both Chris and I when it started bleeding profusely.
Numbness is slowly ... kind of stablizing. The itching has stopped, not immidiately but I did spend half a bottle of Absorbing Jr. on it thinking that would help... not as much as I would have liked. It's still itches sometimes, but only vaguely.
Duty2 was bright red and only twice in 4 days.

Good News Comes In A Pill

CONGRATS TO DR VOLLMER: NEW ORAL MS DRUG Fampridine-SR IS CLOSER DUE TO DR VOLLMER & HIS TEAM

Give Dr. Vollmer congrats on the completion and publication of his study on the new oral MS drug Fampridine-SR
PLUS...WISH DR. VOLLMER GOOD LUCK ON THE OTHER NEW MS TREATMENTS THAT HE AND HIS TEAM AT BARROW NEUROLOGICAL INSTITUTE ARE CURRENTLY WORKING ON!!!
Timothy Vollmer, M.D.Chairman, Division of NeurologyBarrow Neurological InstituteThe following study on the new oral MS drug Fampridine-SR was performed by Dr. Vollmer and 4 Doctors from:Yale UniversityUniversity of RochesterMellen Center, Cleveland Clinic FoundationWashington University
Fampridine-SR in multiple sclerosis: a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled, dose-ranging study
ABSTRACT:
Objective: To determine the safety of sustained-release 4-aminopyridine in subjects with mutiple sclerosis (MS) and to examine dose-related efficacy up to 40 mg twice daily.
Methods:Multicenter, randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled, study. Following a 4-week baseline peroid, subjects were randomly assigned to receive Fampridine-SR (n=25, doses from 10 to 40 mg twice daily, increasing in 5 mg increments weekly) or placebo (n=11). A battery of assessments was performed weekly, including the MS Functional Composite (MSFC), fatigue questionnaires, and lower extremity manual muscle testing.Results: Improvement were seen in lower extremity muscle strength (prospective analysis) and walking speed (post-hoc analysis) in the Fampridine-SR group compared to placebo (unadjusted p-values of 0.01 and 0.03, respectively).
There were no significant differences in other MSFC measure or fatigue scores.The most common adverse events were dizziness, insomnia, paresthesia, asthenia, nausea, headache, and tremor. Five subjects were discontinued from Fampridine-SR because of adverse events at doses greater than 25 mg, and these included convulsions in two subjects at doses of 30 and 35 mg twice daily.
Conclusions:Future studies should employ doses up to 20 mg twice daily with lower extremity strength and walking speed as potential outcome measures.

Sickness Ensues

I feel very sick today. Yesterday I went to the doctors office because of a soar throat I've had for two days before hand. The first day it was at night only, but it really hurt to swallow. The second day it hurt off and on throughout the day. Yesterday though, I couldn't stand it. All yesterday night I spent awake spraying way too much cloroseptic spray because no matter which way I turned or lay, it hurt. Yesterday durring the day I took off work to take myself to the doctors. I wasn't able to get an apointment with my normal doctor, so I went to a primary med. place.
I spent about three hours (for real, no exageration) waiting for the doctor to tell me that I don't have the flu or strep throat. Great, but what do I have? Grrr... doctors like that annoy me. I was fully prepared to stay for more testing, but they just sent me on my way with a couple of perscriptions and telling me I should probably take today off today.
I wasn't going to, but when I woke up... I definetly needed to. I've had a headache all day, on and off. My day has been filled with taking medicine and sleeping because the world is spinning way too much clockwise (normally it's counter-clockwise with me). My right ear hurts, and mainly my right side of my throat, too... the medicine has helped, but not as often as it should.
Achie is my body, which I think is more to do with the medication than a symtom. It still hurts to swallow.
As far as the MS goes: My left arm, which all this week has been itchy on the upper forearm, right below the elbow on the outter/upper side. When I scratch it, the area and immediate area surrounding feels numb, also the area itself. It's an odd sensation. Sometimes it's mild, sometimes I don't even notice, other times it itches like a burning sensation. In the other direction, my feet and hands are feeling better. The only thing wrong with my hands are the pionter on my right is still stiff and a little odd, I think that'd mainly from slaming it in the boxoffice door tuesday. My left was completely better, but the numbness from the itch spot has spread to my pinkie and the broad side of my thumb. It's odd how it surrounds... not up to the second didget even, though. My feet are almost all better, just down to lightly numb on the pads, thumb toe, and last two toes on each foot (which is where the numbness started in the first place). Just writing this down for my own volitians.

Cool Stuff

There's two big MS support things this week:
1) There's a CD made by an MSer that part of the proceeds go to the NMSS. It's about his time dealing with the symptoms and diagnosis (yes, I've alredy ordered one for myself).
2) Check out this page:
http://blog.healthtalk.com/multiple-sclerosis/postcards/
It's like that postcard book, but specifically for MSers and those who support us. It's a convinent way to explode about our feelings without offending anyone. they've got some good ones on there.

Reminder

REMINDER TO ALL: This blog is mainly for my own services. I don't want you to get nervous or anything because of what I write here. It's for my own cognitive recognition. Don't worry!

Eh

I'm kind of getting better... I think. My right hand is feeling almost 90% better... minus my pointer finger. I have a feeling it'll take a while for that finger (I assume because I use it all the time for the mouse at work and home). It just feels stiff and worn.
My left hand is also better, but is still somewhat numb. That general light numbness has spread up to my elbow. Oye. It's like when your arm falls asleep because you're on it. That feeling when you just start to realize it, before you try to move it and it feels rubbery.
My legs are better, I think (I'm sitting, so it's hard to tell). My feet are still weird numb, cut off of circulation feeling. But of course that is only on the pads and heels. My toes are getting their feeling back, but the pinkie and ring toes are still pretty bad. But they don't feel like they don't even exist any more, so that's good.

Note to self: 2 hurts & bled a week ago.

Rough Day

Today was a rough day. Despite taking two doses of "allday" extra-strength Tylonal and Benedryl it was tough. I spent a lot of the day in bed with my body aching. When I did get up, it wasn't for long amounts of time, mainly just to eat. Sweaty, achie, tired, and majorly dehydrated... that's how I spent most of my day. It was a bad after-shot day.
But, of course, Chris made my day easier by making his harder. Thanks, babe. He took the dogs out all day, fed them, and all the chores we usually split, he pulled double duty. He even surprised me by making my favorite cookies.

Avonex Night

One note to the Avonex people: Make the plunger smoother.
Today's plunger was stiff.
I tried to give myself a shot, with Chris around, but I wasn't able to put the needle in. So Chris scrubed in gave me the shot. I pushed the sticky plunger in (which took a while), and even took the needle out.
I'm going to start practicing for when he's away on tour. Today was a good step towards that. It's the just initial stick, that's not bad... just intimidating.
This week: We're purchasing an orange.