Why I Cry

Lately I've been keeping myself awake at night trying to think of nothing, hoping to start a dream. But more and more that has become harder to do. As you can see it's already rounding the witching hour, and I've already been in bed and back. I just lay there, restlessly refusing to let my mind think about what I know it will. I tell myself to "stop it" and just concentrate on the darkness. But my eyes don't stay shut very long.
I know partially why all this is: I'm currently not taking my Trileptol because my perscription has run out and I'm going throught that "emotional period" (of the month). Don't worry, I'm seeing that doctor soon and will definetly get the medication back under control.
But the other night I scared myself. I started crying when I was supposed to be asleep. It started because I thought about a simple statement Chris had said about my lack of parenting towards the chins. It still saddens me because I do feel like a bad parent. But it's something I can push away because I know they are all right, and I know what I can do to better myself in this area.
Chris tried to comfort me, and kept telling me that it was alright to cry and let emotions out. It's something I knew I needed to do, but I'm a bit scared of it, and understandably so after the current explosion that I'm about to explain. I didn't want to, but couldn't stop crying. And after every time he asked why I'd reply "I don't know."
The crying got harder, my head hurt in the front and I couldn't get either to stop. I started letting myself fall further into the emotion and allowed my mind's eye to see what it was thinking: My grandpa. I was, and still am, upset about my grandpa. It's hard to write this, because I'm trying not to cry, so I'm pushing it all away while trying to pull it forward... no wonder my head hurts.
My grandpa. I was angry with myself for being so mad the day he died. I was on my way to see him in the hospital on what was supposed to be an easy proceedure, and I got the call. I was mad at him because I was on my way and it wasn't fair. I was mad at myself for not having left earlier to go see him, and that maybe I would have seen him before he died. I was mad that I pushed him away so easily during his last few months because I was scared of being hurt by him being ill. I didn't want to believe that my grandpa could ever be so weakened by something. He was a rock for me, and he didn't even let me say goodbye. I was so mad.
And I cry now because of this anger. Because I feel aweful that I felt so mad, so unjustified that he died.
I've tried so hard not to cry when stories are brought up, because his memory is so precious to everyone I don't want them to feel that they can't share them. Because I want to share them too... but sometimes, I'll be sitting alone, and my mind will simply flash his image in my head and it makes me want to cry.
I cried so hard last night I scared myself. I cried out yelling at my brain to "stop it!" and "just leave!". For the images to just "get out!" of my head. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was clawing at my head where the pounding was, trying to iron out my wrinkling forehead with the hard palms of my fists, pushing in my eyeballs through closed lids, sniffling and wailing so hard I didn't make sense anymore. I just didn't want to cry anymore. But at this point I couldn't stop. I do think that if Chris hadn't been there, holding me, and keeping my self abuse to a minimal, I'm sure I would have broke blood.
I don't know why I still cry. I thought I'd mourned enough. Sure I keep it quiet or stop myself from even starting... but looking at fit this emotion caused me last night I can easily see why I've gone the quieter routes.
I guess I post this to thank Chris for being there through my hysterics, and to tell people I'm a lot better than I used to be... as long as I stay medicated, unfortunately. Mainly though to get it out in a place I can access on why exactly I was crying when asked without having to retravel that route again to remember the answer.

Cry a Flur

I wanted to share this picture with everyone.
To commemorate the distruction of New Orleans from Katrina.

aspartame

Aspartame is the stuff Neutra-sweet is made of... and there are stuff connecting it to MS and MS-like symptoms... hmmmm.

Back Fat

EWE, I looked in the mirror the other day and saw myself... ewe! I have back fat! Dissapointment in weight goes on.

VOTE PC 15!!!

EXTRA! EXTRA!
I've recently entered my dogs (Chris' dog Tira & my little Pixi) in the Pet Supplies Plus "Cutest Pets" Contest.
I'm trying to win this poll and some other dog is way ahead. I need you all to VOTE as best you can EVERY DAY! It takes one vote a day per computer! But other than that you can vote as many times as you'd like (even go into the store and vote!)... So, vote at work, school, home, coffee shops, wherever! And please, please, please spread the word! Send everyone you know to the link to vote for PC 15 only. The contest ends at the end of April, and the winner gets free dog food for a year!
The Web page is : http://www.bythebridgephotography.com/contest.html
I know ti's a bit biase, but I'd really like it if you'd vote for my dogs: PC 15

VOTE PC 15!!!

Spray Away MS!!!

Posted: 04 Mar 2007, 17:29
Today...many of our Friends received information with an email pitching the following MS Treatment Spray ...I've added X'S TO THE E-MAIL:

I can only say that I'm at a loss for words!

here's the email our Friends received

:-)
stan

**********************THE EMAIL IS BELOW************************************



----------------------I Am Beating MS With The XXX Spray----------------------------

I have had MS since 1994. In 2002 my health really began to decline. I had to use a walker or wheelchair to get where I wanted to go. I decided to look for Alternative Medicine for help. I had received an e-mail from xxxxxxxxxx about a xxxxxx spray and treatment for MS being offered in the Bahamas .

I researched their information and testimonials and decided I HAD to go and find out for myself if it could help me. I can only say great thing about going to the Bahamas and starting the XXXXX spray.

Because of drop foot in my right leg and stiffness in my neck due to the auto accident I had not driven in 2 ½ years. After starting XXXXX spray I was able to get my Drivers License back on 9-28-06. 50 days after starting XXXXXX spray.

I also don't use my walker anymore, just a cane. I have my independence back and I thank God everyday.

I went to the Bahamas 8-8 thru 8-11-06. XXXXXXXX XXXXXX Foundation's Scientific Director) evaluated me and saw how I had no balance at all.

He sat me down and gave me 3 sprays under my tongue, waited 5 minutes and administered another 3 sprays.

After 5 minutes again he asked me to stand and hold my balance.

I held my balance for 2 1/2minutes 30 seconds with my eyes closed. Amazing. XXXXX XXXXX, a Bio Medical Engineer is one of my best friend's who helped me get to the Bahamas claimed that if she had not seen the results with her own eyes she never would have believed how quickly my balance had improved. XXXXX taught me exercises to do in the swimming pool to get my right leg working again and stronger. After 2 days of working out in the gym and the swimming pool, 2 hours every day. I felt confident enough to go Parasailing. I needed help walking through the sand and was caught on the landing in the boat. Bahamas was absolutely beautiful when you are up in the air being pulled by a boat ... and getting your life back with the XXXXX XXXXXX spray. I am doing Physical Therapy 2 days a week and will start using the Power Plate. I believe with peptide spray and hard work we can improve our lives.

I am beating MS and a bad Spine Injury; it just takes hard work, determination and faith. MS brings us all down even if you were superman it will.

The XXXXX XXXXXXX spray helps our brain command our nerves to walk or move our arms etc.

The opportunity is there, P. T. and the XXXXXX spray open the door for you to have a manageable life again. If you work hard you can improve your life. I am only 44 and was refusing to get worse. I thank God and all the people at XXXXXXXXX XXXXXX Foundation for giving me the opportunity to get stronger and regain my self confidence plus making my life more manageable.

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*****************************END OF EMAIL*************************************

THIS SPRAY IS NOT A JOKE! IT IS BEING SOLD TO OUR FRIENDS NOW!

It is important that you tell our Friends how you feel about this! Many Friends have written me thinking that this spray is a new miracle Cure for MS!!

MAKE YOUR COMMENTS ON MY BLOG NOW.

GO TO MY BLOG TONIGHT....click on "ADD COMMENT" next to "KUDOS"

- stan

Just a Thought...

I had a thought tonight while watching Scrubs, after my shot (which went very well, thank you Mom): my body started attacking itself when I was first born. You see when I was young, just born, I had: Intercussisson or intercessarian or gastronomoginalis syndrom (I can't find an online definition of these words, so I know they are spelled wrong). What it means basically is that my intestines were eating eat other. So, I think I have a smaller intestinal tract or something. Intersession. I couldn't get any food in or out, due mainly to the fact that my large intestine was being pushed into my small intestine, which in turn was digesting it.
Sorry, I did just take my meds and I'm just in that dddddddddduuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh state. You're lucky I'm making complete sentences. Anyway, I'm going to bed. LYA

PS: "It is his love, it is his passion..." "It is his fault he didn't lock the garage." I love Farris Buller... so full of great quotes.