I need validation... life is begining to look like normalicy is setting in, and that's not the life I imagined for myself. I always thought there was something more for me. I guess I'm asking what? I might just be going crazy to ask this, or I just thought that there was so much more to my life than this. I had dreams, ambition, and now I'm looking at blank years of white picket fences, children and dogs. I woke up out of my medicated slumber realizing I had so much more... I want so much more... and maybe it's just because I feel useless now, dragged down into this funk of a depression because of my fragile body. I want to know that there's more... so much more... that maybe I've strayed, or am on the right path. Scared that this is the life I'm supposed to live after all, that I was just reaching too high to begin with.
This comes all of a sudden, revealing some of my deeper feelings to some I don't even know. But I need to know... I want to know... what's my part in Life? I need to know there's something more to my life than this. If it was all a dream, that's fine... I just need to know. I guess I want to believe there's a more aspiring truth to my life than just the normalicy that scares me awakes at night. I always thought there was more, but everything seems against me. If that's all there is for me, fine. I'll accept it and go on with my life as it is. If not, as I want to believe... I just need to know if there's something different from what I'm spiraling into.
I'm sorry this is so selfish. Please don't think I'm crazy. I just woke myself in the middle of the night and thought I could keep this in no longer. I felt I couldn't wait to reach out (thank goodness for technology, eh?). If nothing else, just credit it to nerves.
People ask me what I want to do... I don't know. I guess this is it. I've kind of given up on everything. I haven't given up on life, because I'm still fighting that struggle with bated breath... every Friday Night I take steps towards prolonging the fraile situation my body will fall into some day. But what about my dreams? What the hell happened to my ambition? I had a plan, and now when asked about it... it's limited to what I'm going to do this week... maybe this month.
I'm living life on a day to day basis, and I've just realized it. I didn't used to. I used to have a drive of something more. I knew I was going to do amazing things. I knew there was something better for me out there. I was going to be somebody. Now I'm looking at just being someone... it's not the same. I'm struggling to stay afloat. The simple life I'm leading is hard... and harder still knowing I wanted more.
I like my life, but it's not what I planned... which is probably why I always answer "I don't know"... because every time I plan something for the future BAM! it gets knocked down by a locamotive. I'm just trying to make it through now.
I could whyne and complain that "it's just not fair", but I'm sure there are other people out there that would dissagree. So I won't. I just don't know what to do about it, besides not plan. I remember doing something similar in college, the I don't know/care beacuse who knows what'll happen next. I just don't like the funk it's put me in.
But what am I looking at, really?! At best living in Oklahoma on the Farm, married with children and dogs. Job? Dunno. And that's it. That's all I've got... at best.
I'm not saying that's a bad life, it's just not the life I was expecting (except maybe when I retired). I dreamed of so much more... and now I feel like less of a person because I don't feel I can reach these goals.
Who am I? I work in a freaking box... in Alabama! Not the life I imagined. Not the creative, greatly adventurous life I imagined someone would want to write about me-life. I didn't want a white picket fence 2.5 children two dogs a cat and four cars... I didn't imagine that for my life. It's not a bad life, I look forward to it, I guess. I guess I'm just scared of what other plans will be changing.
I thought I'd only be here for a few more months, then off to a new state, new job... and now, I have to stay. I just don't understand anymore. I don't know what to say anymore... I don't know.
1 comment:
Jess,
I hope you don't mind me reading. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. As for validation, you are going through a process...a hard one...as you learn to deal with the changes in your life. It is ok to grieve. You will come through the other side, and things will be clearer. As for wanting to be somebody, you already are...to many people.
Although your body may be fragile, your mind is not, and with that you can still achieve many great things. Find a way to alter your dreams, maybe a new path with open up...don't give up hope.
You are very brave.
Jen Nicholson
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