What I am

I'm a reasonably good person. I don't take illegal drugs. I take what drugs are perscribed to me, and that is all. I don't drink excessive amounts of caffeene. I have about one cafeeninated drink a month, if that. I drink water only, basically. I am by no means a drug addict... but my doctor seems to think so. That's because of the way I went in to see her because I was very tweaky and shaky and had the chills because I can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me. I get these electrical episodes at night that just about kill me and it scares me. My neurologist won't see me for a few more days, so I'm lucky enough to get in to see my internal doctor. She just see's that I'm a crazy drug addict who just happens to admit to being bipolar. "Yes, but if I were being manic right now, I'd be a hell of a lot calmer than this." I say as a flame flairs up in my eyes from its hidden depths.
She gets me in to see my psychologist... great. He doesn't do anything different, just refills the drugs I'm currently on as if nothing's wrong.
Grrrrr....

Well, tomorrow we will see what the "all powerful" Dr. E says about it. Oh, I have a guess: Walk a straight line... now touch your nose... now touch my finger. Good. You're fine. Asshole. Grrr... But anyway, all my doctors now think I'm a psychotic drug attic. Great. They even tried to hide it from me when they were doing the drug testing. They were like "Oh, we're just testing you're B-12 and thyroid levels." Yeah, that's why drug test was circled three times on the sheet as well? I'm waiting for that lab report to come back and kick them in the ass. TOLD YOU SO. Bi-Ai-tch! Sorry, I'm getting readdy for my fighting words tomorrow with Dr. E. He's really the one that pisses me off. And is he gonaa get it... if I can rememeber it all. the damn SOB, lucky he works with people who lose their short term memories. Cursese!! Alright, I'd better get to sleep before the tingling acts up too much. have a good one.

Evita

I wanted to add this insert because these songs from Evita have been playing in my head, the melodies at least, whenever I get down and lonely (which I am not right now, no worries). I just love how moving the music and lyrics are. Tim Rice really speaks to me through her words in the last bit of the first song and the rest of the others. They are just so...**sigh** well, you get what I'm saying. It's beautiful stuff, and I had to share it. Just lovely. As much as it makes me sad when I'm down, it makes me think when I'm in a good place. And think in a good way. It moves me. The love that they show and share, after everything, ends up being so beautiful and pure. He means his love for her, and he really means to stick by her, no matter what. And she tries to be strong... it's just so moving. **sigh** I leave it at that.




12. WALTZ FOR EVA AND CHE

CHE
Tell me before I waltz out of your life
Before turning my back on the past
Forgive my impertinent behavior
But how long do you think this pantomime can last?
Tell me before I ride off in the sunset
There's one thing I never got clear
How can you claim you're our savior
When those who oppose you
Are stepped on, or cut up, or simply disappear?

EVA
Tell me before you get onto your bus
Before joining the forgotten brigade
How can one person like me, say,
Alter the time-honored way the game is played?
Tell me before you get onto your high horse
Just what you expect me to do
I don't care what the bourgeoisie say
I'm not in business for them but to give all my
descamisados
A magical moment or two

CHE and EVA
There is evil, ever around, fundamental
System of government quite incidental

EVA
So what are my chances
Of honest advances?
I'd say low
Better to win
By admitting my sin
Than to lose with a halo

CHE
Tell me before I seek worthier pastures
And thereby restore self-esteem
How can you be so short-sighted
To look never further than this week or next week
To have no impossible dream?

EVA
Allow me to help you slink off to the sidelines
I'll mark your ado with three cheers
But first tell me who'd be delighted

If I said I'd take on the
The world's greatest problems
>From war to pollution?
No hope of solution
Even if I lived for one hundred years

CHE and EVA
There is evil, ever around, fundamental
System of government quite incidental

EVA
So go, if you're able
To somewhere unstable
And stay there
Whip up your hate
In some tottering state
But not here, dear
Is that clear, dear?

Oh what I'd give for a hundred years!
But the physical interferes
Every day more--O my Creator!
What is the good of the strongest heart
In a body that's falling apart?
A serious flaw--I hope You know that

13. Your Little Body's Slowly Breaking Down

PERON
Your little body's slowly breaking down
You're losing speed, you're losing strength--not style--
that goes on
Flourishing forever, but your eyes, your smile
Do not have the sparkle of your fantastic past
If you climb one more mountain it could be your last

EVA
I'm not that ill--bad moments come but they go
Some days are fine, some a little bit harder
But that doesn't mean
We should give up our dream
Have you ever seen
Me defeated?
Don't you forget what I've been through and yet
I'm still standing.

PERON
Eva, you are dying.

EVA
So what happens now?
Where am I going to?

PERON
Don't ask anymore.

14. You Must Love Me

EVA
Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be.
We had it all
You believed in me
I believed in you

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive
How do we keep all our passions alive
As we used to do?

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me
You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed.

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me (repeat three times)


15. EVA'S FINAL BROADCAST

EVA
The actress hasn't learned the lines you'd like to hear.
She's sad for her country.
Sad to be defeated by her own weak body.

(a microphone is switched on--she is now on the air)

CROWD
Evita! Evita! Evita!

EVA
I want to tell the people of Argentina
I've decided I should decline
All the honors and titles you've pressed me to take
For I'm contented--let me simply go on
As the woman who brings her people to the heart of
Peron!

Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I shall not leave you
Though it may get harder
For you to see me
I'm Argentina
And always will be

Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think
of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me to know that every
word is true

16. LATIN CHANT


CHE
She had her moments--she had some style
The best show in town was the crowd
Outside the Casa Rosada crying, "Eva Peron"
But that's all gone now--

17. LAMENT

(In her last hours, images, people and events from EVA's
life flow through her mind, while the grief of the nation
knows no bounds)

EVA
The choice was mine and mine completely
I could have any prize that I desired
I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire
Or else--or else I could choose time
Remember I was very young then
And a year was forever and a day
So what use could fifty, sixty, seventy be?
I saw the lights and I was on my way

And how I lived! How they shone!
But how soon the lights were gone!

(The moment EVA dies, EMBALMERS move in to
preserve her fragile body)

CHE
The choice was your's and no one else's
You can cry for a body in despair
Hang your head because she is no longer there
To shine, or dazzle, or betray.
How she lived, how she shined
But how soon the lights were gone


EMBALMERS
Eyes, hair, face, image
All must be preserved
Still life displayed forever
No less than she deserved

Sometimes Late at Night

Sometimes, late at night, my legs suddenly feel like they're on fire. Almost immediately I start to twitch. The pain is so bad, My legs are under the crushing pressure of each other. The burning is so immense that it's actually cold instead of hot, and I start shivering. My torso feels like it's got a lasso around it, tightening and tightening, constricting my lungs and causing a pain in the middle of my back (like lying on a baseball with rusty nails). But it only happens when I'm trying to sleep late at night, not during the day, so we're still trying to figure things out.

FDA Warning Topamax

FDA Alerts Health Care Providers to Risk of Suicidal Thoughts and Behavior with Antiepileptic Medications
..


..FDA ALERT
..
The FDA has analyzed reports of suicidality (suicidal behavior or ideation) from placebo-controlled clinical studies of eleven drugs used to treat epilepsy as well as psychiatric disorders, and other conditions. These drugs are commonly referred to as antiepileptic drugs (see the list below). In the FDA's analysis, patients receiving antiepileptic drugs had approximately twice the risk of suicidal behavior or ideation (0.43%) compared to patients receiving placebo (0.22%). The increased risk of suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation was observed as early as one week after starting the antiepileptic drug and continued through 24 weeks. The results were generally consistent among the eleven drugs. Patients who were treated for epilepsy, psychiatric disorders, and other conditions were all at increased risk for suicidality when compared to placebo, and there did not appear to be a specific demographic subgroup of patients to which the increased risk could be attributed. The relative risk for suicidality was higher in the patients with epilepsy compared to patients who were given one of the drugs in the class for psychiatric or other conditions.

All patients who are currently taking or starting on any antiepileptic drug should be closely monitored for notable changes in behavior that could indicate the emergence or worsening of suicidal thoughts or behavior or depression.

This information reflects FDA's current analysis of available data concerning these drugs. Posting this information does not mean that FDA has concluded there is a causal relationship between the drug products and the emerging safety issue. Nor does it mean that FDA is advising health care professionals to discontinue prescribing these products. FDA intends to update this document when additional information or analyses become available.

Adverse reactions or quality problems experienced with the use of this product may be reported to the FDA's MedWatch Adverse Event Reporting program; see addresses below.

Considerations for Physicians and Other Health Care Professionals

Data from 199 placebo-controlled clinical studies covering eleven different antiepileptic drugs were reviewed and analyzed for reports of suicidal behavior (completed suicides, suicide attempts and preparatory acts) and suicidal ideation. The studies examined the effectiveness of the drugs in epilepsy, psychiatric disorders (e.g., bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety) and other conditions (e.g., migraine and neuropathic pain syndromes). The analysis included a total of 43,892 patients ages five and older (27,863 in drug treatment groups and 16,029 in placebo groups).

There was a statistically significant increased risk of suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation in the patients randomized to receive an antiepileptic drug compared to patients who received a placebo. The estimated overall risk was about twice that of the placebo group. There were an estimated 2.1 per 1000 (95% CI: 0.7, 4.2) more patients in the drug treatment groups who experienced suicidal behavior or ideation than in the placebo groups.

Four of the patients who were taking one of the antiepileptic drugs committed suicide, whereas none of the patients in the placebo group did. The increased risk of suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation was observed at one week after starting the drug and continued to at least 24 weeks. Because most trials included in the analysis did not extend beyond 24 weeks, the risk of suicidal thoughts or behavior beyond 24 weeks could not be reliably assessed.

FDA will be working with manufacturers of marketed antiepileptic drugs to include this new information in the labeling for these products. FDA is also planning to discuss these data at an upcoming advisory committee meeting.

All patients treated with antiepileptic drugs should be monitored for suicidality and other unusual changes in behavior. Symptoms such as anxiety, agitation, hostility, mania and hypomania may be precursors to emerging suicidality.

Healthcare professionals who prescribe antiepileptic drugs should:

Balance the risk for suicidality with the clinical need for the drug

Be aware of the possibility of the emergence or worsening of depression, suicidality, or any unusual changes in behavior;

Inform patients, their families, and caregivers of the potential for an increase in the risk of suicidality so they are aware and able to notify their healthcare provider of any unusual behavioral changes.

Information for patients, family members, and caregivers:

..Taking antiepileptic medicines may increase the risk of having suicidal thoughts or actions;
..
..Do not make any changes to the medication regimen without first talking with the responsible healthcare professional;
..
Pay close attention to any day-to-day changes in mood, behavior and actions. These changes can happen very quickly so it is important to be mindful of any sudden differences.

Be aware of common warning signs that might be a signal for risk of suicide.

Some of these are:

Talking or thinking about wanting to hurt yourself or end your life

Withdrawing from friends and family

Becoming depressed or having your depression get worse

Becoming preoccupied with death and dying

Giving away prized possessions

If these or any new and worrisome behaviors occur, contact the responsible healthcare professional immediately.

Background and Data Summary

After preliminary analyses of data from several drugs in this class suggested an increased risk of suicidality, in March 2005, FDA requested data from manufacturers of marketed antiepileptic drugs for which there were adequately designed controlled clinical trials in order to review the possible association between these drugs and suicidality events. In an effort to obtain the most complete and accurate data for this review, requests for additional information and clarification were sent to the manufacturers in 2006 and 2007. The analyses performed were similar to those performed by FDA for antidepressant drugs in the last several years.

One-hundred ninety nine placebo-controlled clinical studies covering eleven different drugs were included in the primary analysis. The conditions studied in these clinical trials included epilepsy, selected psychiatric illnesses, and other indications, including migraine and neuropathic pain syndromes. The analysis included 27,863 patients in drug treatment groups and 16,029 patients in placebo groups. Patients included in the analysis were five years of age or older. The individual sponsors of the drugs were responsible for identifying suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation events in their databases based on the instructions provided by FDA.

There were 4 completed suicides among patients in drug treatment groups and none among the patients in placebo groups. Overall, 0.43% of the patients in drug treatment groups experienced suicidal behavior or ideation versus 0.22% of the patients in placebo groups, corresponding to an estimated 2.1 per 1000 (95% CI: 0.7, 4.2) more patients in the drug treatment groups who experienced suicidal behavior or ideation than in the placebo treatment groups (See Table). In this analysis, the relative risk for suicidal thoughts or behavior was higher for patients with epilepsy compared to those patients with psychiatric or other disorders (See Table). The higher risk for suicidal behavior or suicidal ideation was observed at one week after starting a drug and continued to at least 24 weeks. The results were generally consistent among the drugs and were seen in all demographic subgroups. Specifically, there was no clear pattern of risk across age groups.

.... Relative Risk and Risk Difference for
.. Suicidality According to Trial Indication:
..
Indication Placebo Patients with Events Per 1000 Patients Drug Patients with Events Per 1000 Patients Relative Risk:
Incidence of Events in Drug Patients/Incidence in Placebo Patients Risk

Difference:

Additional Drug Patients with Events Per 1000 Patients

Epilepsy 1.0 3.5 3.6 2.5
Psychiatric 5.2 8.3 1.6 3.1
Other 0.8 2.0 2.3 1.1
Total 2.2 4.3 2.0 2.1

The following is a list of antiepileptic drugs* included in the analyses:

Carbamazepine (marketed as Carbatrol, Equetro, Tegretol, Tegretol XR)

Felbamate (marketed as Felbatol)

Gabapentin (marketed as Neurontin)

Lamotrigine (marketed as Lamictal)

Levetiracetam (marketed as Keppra)
Patient Information Sheet

Oxcarbazepine (marketed as Trileptal)

Pregabalin (marketed as Lyrica)

Tiagabine (marketed as Gabitril)

Topiramate (marketed as Topamax)

Valproate (marketed as Depakote, Depakote ER, Depakene, Depacon)

Zonisamide (marketed as Zonegran)

* Some of these drugs are also available in generic form.

Although the drugs listed above were the ones included in the analysis, FDA expects that the increased risk of suicidality is shared by all AEDs and anticipates that the class labeling changes will be applied broadly.



Adverse reactions or quality problems experienced with the use of this Product may be reported to the FDA's MedWatch Adverse Event Reporting program either online, by regular mail or by fax.

Online: www.fda.gov/medwatch/report.htm
Regular Mail: use postage-paid FDA form 3500 available at: www.fda.gov/MedWatch/getforms.htm.
Mail to MedWatch 5600 Fishers Lane, Rockville, MD 20852-9787
Fax: 1-800-FDA-0178

Tingley Hibi-Jibies

Okay, let me try to describe to you what the last few weeks have been like for me. Have you ever had an ant crawling on you (not bite you, just crawl on you... or maybe even a spider)? Okay, imagine that all over your body... not just one ant, though... millions... billions... gad-zillions! And not just over your body, but inside your body. I know not just ew, but creepy. But that's how my body feels right now, and has felt, progressively, for the past few weeks. At first it was just at night keeping me awake until something would kick in, and now it's anytime my body is still (sitting, standing, laying down, etc). Also, at first it was just in the legs, so I thought it was a case of RLS. But this week it has progressed rapidly up my trunk. I've quickly sleep medicated myself out, so now the pills don't work on me anymore. :( . I kind of equate what I feel to visually what the TV does when it has the black and white static. Anyway, just an update on the MonSter inside.

You Know You Have MS When

These quips actually originated from a posting in the MS community at Daily Strength.

You Know You Have MS When:

Your four-year-old is better than you in memory games.
You face-plant into the floor and only afterwards you think, "I'm falling!"
You tell your daughter to go to bed (in the garage) at 9 PM.
You're on the phone with a dear friend and can't remember who the heck she is.
You pay the phone bill twice because you can't remember that you paid it in the first time.
You forget to pay the electric bill and your power gets turned off.
You realize you sent the electric bill payment to the phone company.
You call someone and by the time they answer the phone, you forgotwho you called.
You try to grease a skillit with 409 instead of Pam.
The bottoms of your feet are numb and you realize you've been walking around without shoes on because you can't tell the difference.
Your dog cleans up after you.
You attempt to bake cookies, but you use wax paper instead of parchment paper. Even worse, you can't determine what's wrong until your cookies start to look like candles in the oven. Worst of all you have to call your mom to ask if you are able to cook in the oven with wax paper. She thinks you've lost your mind because you've been baking cookies on parchment for years!
You dice your fingers while washing knives in the sink. The water turns red and you haven't a clue why.
It's easier to use Charades because you just can't remember the words.
You hold a nail with one hand and a hammer with another, but by the time you're ready to finally swing the hammer you've dropped the darn nail... again.
You call your daughter to ask for directions and realize you've already arrived at the location in question.
You attempt to move your index finger and your pinky finger moves instead.
You wash your hair with conditioner and THEN was it with shampoo.
You try to get your key into the door to your apartment. You jam and slam and swear! Your neighbor opens the door from the inside to help you and you realize you're breaking into the wrong place.
You go to the store, turn around and realize you're lost. You have to call your 16-year-old to come and find you (or you call your husband's cell phone just to hear it ringing like a homing device).
You have a college education, but when your doctor asks you to spell a simple, four-lettered word, you're speechless. Of course, you can easily shout out a four-letter word in reply (not necessarily the same one the doctor wanted to hear).
You invite your guests to sit on the cake while you serve the couch.
Your mom seeks out advice about Social Security from YOU.
Buttons are useless, zippers are worse, so your whole wardrobe turns into elastic waists or Velcro.
You have become jealous of how few times pregnant women go to the bathroom.
You use body soap instead of body lotion and can't figure out why it won't rub in.
You map out everywhere you go based on how many public restrooms are along the way.
You have to ask the dog where his leash is.
You fail a test for intoxication and you haven't had a drink (YOU try to walk a straight line with MS!)
Your nine-year-old tucks you in bed and kisses you on the nose.
Your 80-year-old mom jumps up from her seat and offers it to you.
You point your keyless car entry button at the front door of your home and wonder why the door isn't beeping.
Your Neuro asks you to look to the right and instead you look to the left. Or worse, you move your whole head instead of just your eyes.
You start to take your meds and can't remember if you already took them. So you hunt to find the pamphlet that comes with the prescription so you know what to expect if you accidentally overdose.
You do exactly what the instructions on teh shampoo bottle read: Wash, rinse, repeat. But, you only do it because you can't remember what parts you have already done.
You go to work with one shaved leg because you forgot to shave the other. The next morning you decide to shave the other leg to play catch-up, only to find out that you re-shaved the same one again.
You sleep in your work clothes because you're just too darn tired to change into PJ's and then back into work clothes the next morning.
Your 70-year-old father offers to let you borrow the cane he used after knee surgery, because it looks like you need it more than him.
One of your students (worried about your eyesight) tapes paper over the overhead lights and you think you've forgotten how to operate them.
You refer to swallowing a pill as swallowing a pillow.
Your child's teacher corrects YOUR spelling in a note to her.
You get excited when the weatherman says to expect "unseasonably cool" weather.
You show up to your job from four years ago, walk in the front door, and only then realize that you've shown up at the wrong employer.
And ond of the best ways to know you have MS is when your teenager thanks YOU for doing some of the cooking and cleaning!

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

No more ear muffs

It's official. This Saturday night my babies are going away. I found a nice lady through a chinchilla rescue service that is going to come and take them away. We've been corresponding over what to feed them and what not. I'm gonna miss them. But it's a sacrifice I need to make. They deserve better. And I've found someone who can provide that.

Blah

Blagh... that's how I feel. I cant fully make sentences. It's just so blah right now.

Learn something

moar funny pictures

Darn it!

moar funny pictures
Just to give you a clue as to the weather lately...

Try to Smile

moar funny pictures

Headache

Allright... so I had a headache for most of the day yesterday, even had to take a nap at work (first time for that in a while). When I came home it turned into a full out migraine. Ugh. It came on quick, too. All of a sudden I asked Chris to turn off the lights and turn down the TV, everything was too bright and too loud. It hurt soooo much. Chris had to give me a hydrocodine, which took a while to knock me out. It was still with me today. I had to sleep most of the day to work off the medicine, and now it's a mild headache. The lights are still really bright, but I'm able to turn my screen down a lot, which helps. I've also had a bit of caffeene, which should help a bit more, because I didn't take another HC today. I just rested. Anytime I tried to sit up, it came back in full force. I didn't even get up to watch TV, I just laid there, switching sides.
But I am better now. Not to worry people. I'm pretty sure it's due to the insane weather we've been having.
Anyway, back to work. I should be just fine by tomorrow morning, but I do thank Katie for letting me have the full day off, because I was able to come in with just a headache about halfway through, but I'm glad now that I got that extra rest.

Computer Meltdown

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! My computer, at a pivotal computer time, crashed. Big time crashed. We're not talking just reboot and go. No we're talking major Nerd Heard problems. So I went in because I had the BSOD (Blue Screen of Death) ... and my computer is officially dead, according to the Squad Agent. I spent $150 for them to tell me what I already knew. M@#$n F^#^$&*@!! GRRRRR.... I ate a chocolate chip cookie Katie brought me. Sorry, Chris.
So, I wouldn't be upset if it was any other time, but the F%$%^ Marketing people decide "Hey, your t-shirts are a great idea. Can you get em ready yesterday?" So not only did they screw themselves over and want me to fix it, but now I can't because my computer is up the creek. Grrr... and it's costing me money instead of making money. Sometimes I really hate technology.

MS Up

So I took an IV to the hand... ouch. Chris took it out on Monday. I'm trying to recoupe from it all. Doing well. I'm trying to recoupe about everything, but it's hard to back track right now. KP is going through the same thing with steroids right now, so it feels good not to be alone on that sort of stuff. It was really hard dealing with stuff with that in my system so hard. I was not a happy person, I just felt tired all the time. I'll update you guys in a while. I'm still recouping.

Poem 1.3

Life and life
on and on
the syster sings
her wyred song.

Rubber Gloves

My hands are doing that no-feeling glove thing it does. On my left it's from the pinkie out, on my right it's from the thumb out. My shoulders feel like they've been sunburnt. My legs are not cooperating, I can't stand up for long periods of time. I'm so tired that I don't like holding myself up for long periods of time. I wish I was at home in bed. I really just want to sleep.
You know how it feels when you lay on your arm and it falls asleep? That's how my arms feel most of the time all over, except the inside ridge. I feel so weak. I just want to sleep. I'm very close to letting everyone out early today, but I know it'd be wrong. 2.5 hours to go... urggghh.
Chris thinks that the symptoms flared up because I started taking Alli. I think it's because all the stress we've had lately. We both thought it was the ring, because right after we got a sizer for it was when I started noticing it. But I've had to go without my ring for a few days (which make me very nervous and unhappy) to double check that theory. I figure we'll cut everything out and start introducing everything one by one slowly. The problem is that it takes a few days to a week for symptoms to show up.

This Week Review

This past week hasn't been awful, but I've started to note a decline in my feeling capabilities. My left hand has once again gone numb from the palm of the hand through the pinkie, ring, and middle fingers. It makes it odd to do anything, like type, with this hand. I think this is just due to a pinched nerve. It is, nevertheless, annoying. Also my legs are acting up again. I've noticed these symptoms for the last few days. Probably started around Tuesday or Wednesday with the legs, around Sunday or Monday for the hand.
That and I'm tired, but the fatigue is probably due to the late night I had yesterday. I went out with a friend to dinner after work and we stayed out for a while, which was nice, but now it's really kicking my butt.

Anxiety

So I'm kind of dragging because I've got a lot of anxiety. I mean, Chris and I want to move back to Oklahoma eventually. Chris wants to move back sooner rather than later. I'm kind of blah about that decision because... well, it's a decision and I don't do those well. Also, what job would we each have? I'm trying to line up a job for him at OSU, because I know of an opening that he could do. Also he'd have state insurance. I'm trying to line up so I can work at the ranch. Maybe my pay is that my personal insurance is paid, cause that's all I really need if I'm at home and Chris pays for groceries and stuff. I wouldn't need to be paid much at all that way.
So I've got things worked out as far as that goes... except the actuality of it. I'm just starting to get a hold of people for Chris' job, and my insurance relies on my pay for whatever job I might get. So, if he gets the job we're routing for, I'm not sure if I will be able to go right away or not. I'm hoping so, but we've gotta get everything else lined up as well.
Part of another anxiety is the house. If we move... I JUST bought this house. I haten to turn around and sell it after saying I'd be in it for at least five years. It just doesn't seem right. Especially since my folks had to help me out with it so much.
Argh...
School anxiety, work anxiety, house anxiety, love anxiety, life andxiety. It's so easy for me to turn every which way and see something to be axious about (anxious in the bad way). It's flu season, grr. I've got to go get that shot soon. Medical anxieties. MS anxieties... everything anxieties. Anxiety about anxieties! Grr!

Fat

Urgh. I'm fat. Don't give me that crap. I am. I weigh more than I have my entire life... and now I'm getting married. When I tried on Jen's bridesmaid dresses I had to wear a (eak!)... well, i'm not even going to say it, but it was in the plus sizes! I hate this. All I am is hungry.
Not only that, but because I'm hungry, I'm pissy. I'm easily bitchy today. Yesterday I wasn't hungry at all, but I still ate because I knew I needed to. Today I'm hungry as all get up. I hate that feeling. My stomache sits on the counter. I hate that. I hate being fat, and I hate being hungry. How am I both?! Shush. Grrrr...