Pregnant vs MS

Today is the first day during the pregnancy that I’ve felt like I had MS again. I was tired, and my legs were all tingly for a few hours. Everything felt heavy, and it was hard to do stuff, even decorate the miniature tree we have. I couldn’t bring myself to tackle the big one. I resigned myself to taking a nap even. First time in a while I’ve done that.
But I have to look at not what’s happened today, but this past week. It’s Thanksgiving week, so of course it’s been busy. Yes, I’m not working, but that didn’t stop me from having a whirlwind Wednesday of cooking up cookies, and making mashed potatoes… and having to run around and find the ingredients I had forgotten. It was a stressful Wednesday for me. I had also taken the dogs to the kenneling place early that day.
But yeah, I forgot mashed potatoes needed milk, so I (stupidly… never ever do this! Even though everything turned out all right) left them on the stove to boil while I went and got milk at McDonalds. I didn’t need a lot, like half a cup, otherwise I would have just ran to the store. But it was just as quick, and I got the right amount. Problem was my loving husband, whom I love, felt the need to show me something when I was getting ready to leave. It took him a bit of time to get the box of goodies from the freezer. Meanwhile, I just kept getting more and more adjectated because I knew there was stuff that needed to get off the stove and it was past the time they should have been on. My head was reeling with thoughts of a burning house due to overdone potatoes all because I needed half a cup of milk.
When I finally got back to the house, all was fine... except my nerves probably. I know I was in a bad mood, but I wasn't mad at Chris, I just kept thinking how stupid I was for doing something like that. I promise I won't do it again.
And I've gotten used to schedules (for the most part) and so when we didn't leave on time it threw me for a loop again. Why was it taking so long to leave the house? I couldn't even tell you. It just did. We got there, to our dinner destination on time and everything was good. I just felt stressed the whole day, when I shouldn't have. But I did it to myself.
Of course Thursday was Thanksgiving, but not a lot of stress there other than "what do I do?" Everything was already made, or in the final stages when we got there that morning, right in time for breakfast. That fact didn't bother me, I mean, that's why I had cooked the day before... so it'd be easier on the day of. So it was a bit more relaxed, but with all the cooks in the kitchen I felt somewhat useless. So I started taking pictures, until my camera battery died. Then I helped by chopping veggies. Other than that, it was a pretty relaxed Thursday. But emotions were high on my end, and I think it was due to residual bad moodiness from the day before. I was easily annoyed and had to go on a walk to calm/cool down. But it didn't completely work, and I just had to have my loving husband remind me that I was a bit pregnant and due to emotional tendencies. Everyone went on a walk after the dinner and had a grand time looking at one neighbor's extravigant light show. Very impressive, and the dinner together with friends and family made me feel better. Over all, Thanksgiving was a good day.
Then came Black Friday... a stressful day in general. But I thought, from the talk the night before, that it would be actually very reasonable. It seemed to me that Thursday night we had all made a very structured plan. But come the day of, and everyone was confused. "Where are we going? Where are you going? Where do we want to meet? But I thought..." etc. urgh. I thought we had a plan, but it turned out not. Everything still worked out. We went the places we wanted to without hassel, just not in the time frame I thought we had set out for ourselves. This meant that Chris and I left "on time" rather than earlier. The on time schedule meant we would get home in time to pick up the dogs, which was the main thing. But if we had left earlier we could have taken the long way home through Yale and stopped by my family for festivities. But it turns out it was better we didn't anyway. So in retrospect it all worked out for the best. But durring, it was a bit stressful for me.
So three days of on-again off-again stress, yeah... I can see why I was tired today. I have to watch myself and have to remember I'm not Super Woman. I may have the super power of "creating" (not in the God sense, just biologically/scientifically) life, but that doesn't mean I don't need a nap. And sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Because I kept sitting there today going "why am I so tired? I'm not doing anything, and I haven't done anything today." It didn't make sense, till I sat down and starting typing this out. Now it makes total sense, and I'll just have to remind mysef of it next year... and this year at Christmas. Relax, Jess... take a deep breath and nap if you need to. It's perfectly fine, and understandable, considering... I know, I just talked to myself. But it made me smile. Of course now my big stress is that I took such a great nap and can't get to sleep. It'll probably be another hour, but I'll get there... Night.

Myself

I haven't been feeling the best about myself lately. I haven't been feeling ill, per-see, just not myself. I can tell I'm not on the manic meds, and I'm noticing a reversion back to who I was, and not that I didn't enjoy being myself. I just feel I've matured since then. Now, though, there's a sense of undoing. I don't want to be on the medication while I'm pregnant, so I'm just having to keep a closer eye on myself. It's an odd concept, and I'm not sure many others understand. It's hard to explain. There's two sides of me battling for the rights over who gets to control me. Just imagine the little devil and angel on each sholder. That's what it's like.

Evita

I wanted to add this insert because these songs from Evita have been playing in my head, the melodies at least, whenever I get down and lonely (which I am not right now, no worries). I just love how moving the music and lyrics are. Tim Rice really speaks to me through her words in the last bit of the first song and the rest of the others. They are just so...**sigh** well, you get what I'm saying. It's beautiful stuff, and I had to share it. Just lovely. As much as it makes me sad when I'm down, it makes me think when I'm in a good place. And think in a good way. It moves me. The love that they show and share, after everything, ends up being so beautiful and pure. He means his love for her, and he really means to stick by her, no matter what. And she tries to be strong... it's just so moving. **sigh** I leave it at that.




12. WALTZ FOR EVA AND CHE

CHE
Tell me before I waltz out of your life
Before turning my back on the past
Forgive my impertinent behavior
But how long do you think this pantomime can last?
Tell me before I ride off in the sunset
There's one thing I never got clear
How can you claim you're our savior
When those who oppose you
Are stepped on, or cut up, or simply disappear?

EVA
Tell me before you get onto your bus
Before joining the forgotten brigade
How can one person like me, say,
Alter the time-honored way the game is played?
Tell me before you get onto your high horse
Just what you expect me to do
I don't care what the bourgeoisie say
I'm not in business for them but to give all my
descamisados
A magical moment or two

CHE and EVA
There is evil, ever around, fundamental
System of government quite incidental

EVA
So what are my chances
Of honest advances?
I'd say low
Better to win
By admitting my sin
Than to lose with a halo

CHE
Tell me before I seek worthier pastures
And thereby restore self-esteem
How can you be so short-sighted
To look never further than this week or next week
To have no impossible dream?

EVA
Allow me to help you slink off to the sidelines
I'll mark your ado with three cheers
But first tell me who'd be delighted

If I said I'd take on the
The world's greatest problems
>From war to pollution?
No hope of solution
Even if I lived for one hundred years

CHE and EVA
There is evil, ever around, fundamental
System of government quite incidental

EVA
So go, if you're able
To somewhere unstable
And stay there
Whip up your hate
In some tottering state
But not here, dear
Is that clear, dear?

Oh what I'd give for a hundred years!
But the physical interferes
Every day more--O my Creator!
What is the good of the strongest heart
In a body that's falling apart?
A serious flaw--I hope You know that

13. Your Little Body's Slowly Breaking Down

PERON
Your little body's slowly breaking down
You're losing speed, you're losing strength--not style--
that goes on
Flourishing forever, but your eyes, your smile
Do not have the sparkle of your fantastic past
If you climb one more mountain it could be your last

EVA
I'm not that ill--bad moments come but they go
Some days are fine, some a little bit harder
But that doesn't mean
We should give up our dream
Have you ever seen
Me defeated?
Don't you forget what I've been through and yet
I'm still standing.

PERON
Eva, you are dying.

EVA
So what happens now?
Where am I going to?

PERON
Don't ask anymore.

14. You Must Love Me

EVA
Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be.
We had it all
You believed in me
I believed in you

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive
How do we keep all our passions alive
As we used to do?

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me
You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed.

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me (repeat three times)


15. EVA'S FINAL BROADCAST

EVA
The actress hasn't learned the lines you'd like to hear.
She's sad for her country.
Sad to be defeated by her own weak body.

(a microphone is switched on--she is now on the air)

CROWD
Evita! Evita! Evita!

EVA
I want to tell the people of Argentina
I've decided I should decline
All the honors and titles you've pressed me to take
For I'm contented--let me simply go on
As the woman who brings her people to the heart of
Peron!

Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I shall not leave you
Though it may get harder
For you to see me
I'm Argentina
And always will be

Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think
of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me to know that every
word is true

16. LATIN CHANT


CHE
She had her moments--she had some style
The best show in town was the crowd
Outside the Casa Rosada crying, "Eva Peron"
But that's all gone now--

17. LAMENT

(In her last hours, images, people and events from EVA's
life flow through her mind, while the grief of the nation
knows no bounds)

EVA
The choice was mine and mine completely
I could have any prize that I desired
I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire
Or else--or else I could choose time
Remember I was very young then
And a year was forever and a day
So what use could fifty, sixty, seventy be?
I saw the lights and I was on my way

And how I lived! How they shone!
But how soon the lights were gone!

(The moment EVA dies, EMBALMERS move in to
preserve her fragile body)

CHE
The choice was your's and no one else's
You can cry for a body in despair
Hang your head because she is no longer there
To shine, or dazzle, or betray.
How she lived, how she shined
But how soon the lights were gone


EMBALMERS
Eyes, hair, face, image
All must be preserved
Still life displayed forever
No less than she deserved