Job

What is it?

2012-01-12T22:01:00.001-08:00

I worry... I worry a lot. I hear the radio, but it's not on. I hear a conversation, and it's not in my head. I follow the sound, it has a source of nothing. But I swear it's from right over there. It just makes me more paranoid. Is someone there?
I know I should take my medicine, but it's to the point now that I'm afraid. And I know it's stupid to be afraid, but I am. What if it's the wrong medication? I need to know for sure. But I need to know soon, and durring the day I dont want to think about all the things I think about. I don't want to feel the way I feel when I get mad or angry or upset. I just want to happy times. So no, I dont call the doctor, because the doctor wont be able to see me right away. They'll want me to start my medicine without testing to see if it's right. It's not right... it can't be.
It makes me feel so numb, not like the other stuff, but just blah. No ups... no downs.... no nothing. just blah. I want to be happy. I want to be organized. I want to just be rid of the rest of the stuff. I hate going in and they look at me like I'm crazy. I'm not, but I don't know what I am. I don't want them to judge me, so I don't want to tell them how I feel, or what I think, or what I hear. I'm not crazy. But that's what I fear.
Is it wrong I feel the way I do? There are so many questions that I can't control. Can I just curl up into a ball and stay there. just let the world move around me.
Give me peace. Give me rest.
But my children... I love them, but they torture me so. I know they don't mean to, which makes it even harder. If I knew they meant to do the stuff they do, I mean, really mean to do it... spitefully, I would just leave. I would just up and go. I've thought about it plenty of times... just leaving. Just riding myself of all this stuff, all the problems, and worries on my mind. But then I think about them, and yes, they are some of those things, but I don't think I could leave them. I don't want to miss them or any part of their lives. But I want to feel better and I think the only way for me to do so is to get far away from mine. I ask for patience, I ask for help. All I feel is guilt and sadness. I don't want ot leave them, but I need to get away. Just for a little while.
I wish I could pause time so I could go away and when I came back nothing will have changed or happened. They will not have grown up any or aged, and I won't have missed a moment of their lives. But I fear saying stuff like that too because that isn't how reality works, and when something doesn't grow up or age it is dead... and I do not want that for my children. The thought scares me to even think the words. Protect them while I'm gone. Protect them from me. I just want to run and go, but I don't even know where. I'm just so tired. Leave me alone.

MRI to be

2011-11-04T12:30:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I met with dr Webb and he said I should get an MRI. And I completely agree.
I know that sounds weird. I kept thinking I was doing so well but when I had to look back and tell him all possible ms instances ... Well, it just makes me depressed.
My speech capabilities and mental sharpness has noticeably decreased. It takes me longer to remember or think up certain words. And I don't notice things that I should that are right in front of me.
I've been having slight irritation with my left eye: it sometimes feels like it's blurry around the edge, like something is smudged on my glasses.
I've got the tingling in my legs a few times but not long enough for it to be noticeable.
And as for fatigue? Well I've always dismissed it as the fact that I'm now a mother of two.
It was only when I started telling him all those instances that I realized just how bad it was. Those combined with the bump I got from jumping in the car too fast made him want me to get one.
So we will see how my brain has changed or if it's all in my head.

In My Head

2010-06-27T21:30:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to keep things in my head so they don't just pop out. I need to think things over and not act impulsively, a bad habit from bad times that needs to be rectified.
Just gotta get things figured out before I explode!

What If

2010-01-30T20:48:00.000-08:00

I loved reading Shel Silverstein poems when I was growing up, and this is one that still rings true. With my current state of nesting going on, I thought I'd share it with you:

What If
by Shel Silverstein

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow talle?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!

Time

2010-01-15T04:53:00.000-08:00

Why am I still awake?! It's so late it's early. The sun will rise any minute now, and I'm tired, but I can't go to sleep! Grrr... I hate this. Part of it's due to massive amounts of acid making it's way back up my throat (gotta love the pregnancy heartburn).
But most of it's due to anxiety. I'm going to have to take something for it tomorrow night, because tonight is pretty well shot for me taking anything. I woke up around 3 contemplating paint stuff, and ended up touching up the tree trunks for a little bit. Then decided to wait and let the paint dry... I was going to do some leaves, but I'm leaving that for now (hahaha). I think I will try again to fall asleep.

Busy Busy

2009-12-29T20:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been one for updating lately. I seem to have become super busy. But the girls (dogs) are tuckered out and not really wanting to move around the house, Chris is away late at work, and I've got the computer glued to my lap... so I'm going to attempt it.
With the holidays passing by with Chris' vacation time the business has come and hopefully stalled for a little while. But I know it'll be the new year before I can put the breaks on. I mean, we've still got the cotton bowl and then LBG will be coming any time after that! Oye... can I make it? I hope so.

ugh ickie

2009-12-23T10:15:00.000-08:00

I had so many ideas for what to do today... and yet, I'm feeling yuckie. Maybe after a quick shower I'll feel better. But over the past few days my stomache (not the baby part of the belly) has been yuckie. I've felt like throwing up a couple of times due to heartburn, and it's been extremely uncomfortable. If I'm not feeling better after a bit of a nap (after the shower) I'm going to talk to the doctor again. It really just feels like I ate something wrong or too much, so I'm not horridly worried.

Twitch, twitch

2009-12-08T16:11:00.001-08:00

My left eyebrow is doing this weird twitch-y thing. Uncool and unfun. I must be stressed. Or is it a sign of hunger? :) j/k I know I'm a bit stressed right now. It's just odd when one actually gets a twitch from it. Especially since now I'm trying to relax, and the twitching doesn't make it any easier to relax. **sigh** dunno.

Pregnant vs MS

2009-11-28T20:38:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day during the pregnancy that I’ve felt like I had MS again. I was tired, and my legs were all tingly for a few hours. Everything felt heavy, and it was hard to do stuff, even decorate the miniature tree we have. I couldn’t bring myself to tackle the big one. I resigned myself to taking a nap even. First time in a while I’ve done that.
But I have to look at not what’s happened today, but this past week. It’s Thanksgiving week, so of course it’s been busy. Yes, I’m not working, but that didn’t stop me from having a whirlwind Wednesday of cooking up cookies, and making mashed potatoes… and having to run around and find the ingredients I had forgotten. It was a stressful Wednesday for me. I had also taken the dogs to the kenneling place early that day.
But yeah, I forgot mashed potatoes needed milk, so I (stupidly… never ever do this! Even though everything turned out all right) left them on the stove to boil while I went and got milk at McDonalds. I didn’t need a lot, like half a cup, otherwise I would have just ran to the store. But it was just as quick, and I got the right amount. Problem was my loving husband, whom I love, felt the need to show me something when I was getting ready to leave. It took him a bit of time to get the box of goodies from the freezer. Meanwhile, I just kept getting more and more adjectated because I knew there was stuff that needed to get off the stove and it was past the time they should have been on. My head was reeling with thoughts of a burning house due to overdone potatoes all because I needed half a cup of milk.
When I finally got back to the house, all was fine... except my nerves probably. I know I was in a bad mood, but I wasn't mad at Chris, I just kept thinking how stupid I was for doing something like that. I promise I won't do it again.
And I've gotten used to schedules (for the most part) and so when we didn't leave on time it threw me for a loop again. Why was it taking so long to leave the house? I couldn't even tell you. It just did. We got there, to our dinner destination on time and everything was good. I just felt stressed the whole day, when I shouldn't have. But I did it to myself.
Of course Thursday was Thanksgiving, but not a lot of stress there other than "what do I do?" Everything was already made, or in the final stages when we got there that morning, right in time for breakfast. That fact didn't bother me, I mean, that's why I had cooked the day before... so it'd be easier on the day of. So it was a bit more relaxed, but with all the cooks in the kitchen I felt somewhat useless. So I started taking pictures, until my camera battery died. Then I helped by chopping veggies. Other than that, it was a pretty relaxed Thursday. But emotions were high on my end, and I think it was due to residual bad moodiness from the day before. I was easily annoyed and had to go on a walk to calm/cool down. But it didn't completely work, and I just had to have my loving husband remind me that I was a bit pregnant and due to emotional tendencies. Everyone went on a walk after the dinner and had a grand time looking at one neighbor's extravigant light show. Very impressive, and the dinner together with friends and family made me feel better. Over all, Thanksgiving was a good day.
Then came Black Friday... a stressful day in general. But I thought, from the talk the night before, that it would be actually very reasonable. It seemed to me that Thursday night we had all made a very structured plan. But come the day of, and everyone was confused. "Where are we going? Where are you going? Where do we want to meet? But I thought..." etc. urgh. I thought we had a plan, but it turned out not. Everything still worked out. We went the places we wanted to without hassel, just not in the time frame I thought we had set out for ourselves. This meant that Chris and I left "on time" rather than earlier. The on time schedule meant we would get home in time to pick up the dogs, which was the main thing. But if we had left earlier we could have taken the long way home through Yale and stopped by my family for festivities. But it turns out it was better we didn't anyway. So in retrospect it all worked out for the best. But durring, it was a bit stressful for me.
So three days of on-again off-again stress, yeah... I can see why I was tired today. I have to watch myself and have to remember I'm not Super Woman. I may have the super power of "creating" (not in the God sense, just biologically/scientifically) life, but that doesn't mean I don't need a nap. And sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Because I kept sitting there today going "why am I so tired? I'm not doing anything, and I haven't done anything today." It didn't make sense, till I sat down and starting typing this out. Now it makes total sense, and I'll just have to remind mysef of it next year... and this year at Christmas. Relax, Jess... take a deep breath and nap if you need to. It's perfectly fine, and understandable, considering... I know, I just talked to myself. But it made me smile. Of course now my big stress is that I took such a great nap and can't get to sleep. It'll probably be another hour, but I'll get there... Night.

The Mayonaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

2009-10-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

A friend sent this to me, and I've seen it before. I thought I should share it with ya'all. Enjoy and remember it.

When things in our lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded t o fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor r then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Positive Results for FTY720 - MS Oral Drug!

2009-09-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

I got this update in an email today. It's also available from the NMSS site. It's exciting to see the results going so well!

Sep 30, 2009
Positive Results Announced from Phase 3 Trial of Fingolimod Pills in Relapsing MS
Novartis International AG announced today that oral FTY720 (fingolimod) was able to significantly reduce relapse rates and slow disability progression over two years in a large-scale, phase 3 trial involving 1,272 people with relapsing-remitting MS. According to a company press release, safety data confirmed a positive benefit-risk profile for the lower of two doses tested, and the company plans to submit applications to drug regulatory agencies for marketing approval of the potential therapy at the end of 2009.
Background: FTY720 binds to a docking site (sphingosine-1-phosphate receptor, or S1P receptor) on immune cells, including T cells and B cells, that have been implicated in causing nervous system damage in MS. The drug appears to induce immune cells to remain in lymph nodes, where they can do little harm, preventing them from migrating into the brain and spinal cord.
Positive results from an earlier phase 2 study led to several large-scale phase 3 trials. Initial positive results from the TRANSFORMS study, comparing two different doses of fingolimod with Avonex® (interferon beta-1a, Biogen Idec) over only one year were presented at the American Academy of Neurology meeting in spring 2009. Adverse side effects seen more often in the fingolimod treatment groups in this trial included temporary reductions in heart rate at the start of therapy, small increases in blood pressure, and a few cases of macular edema (swelling of the back of the eye). Two deaths from herpes infections occurred in the group taking the higher dose of fingolimod, and seven cases of localized skin cancer occurred in the fingolimod groups.
This Study: The FREEDOMS study involved 1,272 people who had had symptoms of relapsing-remitting MS for an average of 8.2 years at the start of the trial. The participants were randomly assigned to one of two different daily oral doses of fingolimod or inactive placebo. The primary endpoint established for the study was the rate of relapse. Other endpoints measured included changes in disability progression, safety and disease activity detected with MRI scanning of the brain.
According to a company press release, results showed that after two years, the drug significantly reduced the annualized relapse rates by 54% (lower dose) and 60% (higher dose) compared with placebo, and reduced progression of disability by 30% (lower dose) and 32% (higher dose) over placebo. In terms of safety, the press release stated that there were no cases of macular edema or melanoma in those taking the lower dose, but further information about these potential adverse events was not provided in these initial results. There were reversible elevations of liver enzymes, lung infections, and mild elevation in blood pressure observed in those on active therapy. Three people died during the trial, one on the higher dose and two on placebo, but these deaths were not thought to be attributable to the therapy. The press release states that future development of FTY720 will focus on the lower dose.
Further details about both benefits and adverse events are expected to be released at an upcoming medical meeting in 2010. Other phase 3 clinical trials of fingolimod, including one involving people with primary progressive MS, are still under way, as are extension studies involving those who’ve completed trials. These should provide additional data on safety and efficacy.
Comment: “This is potentially a breakthrough study, and we look forward to seeing further details when they are available,” said John R. Richert, MD, Executive Vice President of Research and Clinical Programs at the National MS Society. “Having oral therapies in the MS pipeline is real progress, and it should increase the number of people who choose to begin therapy earlier and who stay on therapy, which our experts say is the best way to combat future disease activity.”
Avonex is a registered trademark of Biogen Idec

Doc Day

2009-09-26T07:39:00.001-07:00

Ok, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! And I don't want to keep taking things that might hurt my baby. I've resigned myself to going to the doctor. I'm a bit nervous, because I also want to ask them about getting a flu shot. I've gotta stop coughing all the time. It hurts my body. I know that it's not supposed to be able to hurt the fetus, but I don't want to take any chances... and I want to stop coughing!
Doctor's office, here I come.

Sinus Sickness

2009-09-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

I've been sick for a number of days. I'd say since Wednesday night. Wednesday the 16th. So, yes. It's been over 7 days since it started. I was going to get my fluu shots done, but it seems that since I'm since I'm not going to. It wasn't supposed to last this long, urgh. It sucks, but it's getting better every day. It was getting worse, but now I'm better. It's just major drainage. I wasn't able to lay down, I had to sleep sitting up, which is not that comfortable. I was waking up every couple of hourse, and still do, but now it's every four hours, not two. I'm taking all sorts of medicine, yes meds that are okay for preggers. Tylenol and some Sudafed. It was so bad I actually struggled to breathe a little bit without coughing when I was sleeping. I was grinding my teeth to ease the pressure, but that's not good, so I even had to go get a mouth/teeth guard.

New Computer

2009-09-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah! I've got a new computer! I'm so very excited.
But you know me, of course I'm debating if I got the right one. It was between this one, witht he blue-ray player and bigger screen, or the one that was more compact. I'm pretty sure I got the right one, because it's got all the bells and whistels. The only reason I debate the other still is the compactness. I had complained a lot about my last one (which is the same size) being so big and heavy, and thus hard to tote around. And the fact that this one is the same size kind of makes me go... hmmm, maybe I should have gone with the smaller one, except it doesn't have the bells and whistles. So I ask, did I make the right decision?
Yeah, of course I did... right?

Light Headed

2009-09-14T16:27:00.000-07:00

On the 9th I fainted... while at work. Today, I started to get spots in front of my eyes again and had to sit down. It got really bad, my eyesight was harsh.
Just an update.
The doctors said it was due to a lack of protein in my diet. But I'm starting to wonder about stuff.

Myself

2009-09-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't been feeling the best about myself lately. I haven't been feeling ill, per-see, just not myself. I can tell I'm not on the manic meds, and I'm noticing a reversion back to who I was, and not that I didn't enjoy being myself. I just feel I've matured since then. Now, though, there's a sense of undoing. I don't want to be on the medication while I'm pregnant, so I'm just having to keep a closer eye on myself. It's an odd concept, and I'm not sure many others understand. It's hard to explain. There's two sides of me battling for the rights over who gets to control me. Just imagine the little devil and angel on each sholder. That's what it's like.

Dull

2009-07-11T10:19:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty dull lately in my life. I'm trying to find a lot of little things out: mainly all to do with budget. Why is money always such a large factor with everything?
Anyway, that is my life lately: I'm not willing to do anything more active than sit on the couch, while clutter piles further. Even spending time on the internet is tedious.

First in a while

2009-06-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

This is the first time in quite some time that I've felt the symptoms of MS. I mean, other than the fatigue.
Today, for some unexplainable reason, my extremities have been tingly off and on. Not anything to worry about, just an update and so I can remember the occurrence.

Phoney Phone

2009-05-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

Ring, Ring
Who's there?
No one!
?

I'm sure you're trying to figure out this line of thought, but wonder no more! I'm here to tell you that my phone has officially died. :( It's upsetting, yes, but I did go to the ATT store and they said I was due for a new one anyway, so... Yippiee!
Problem is figuring out which one...? I'm so terrible at choosing stuff like that! I'm confused and don't know what to get. Peer pressure keeps telling me "oh, you should get an Apple iPhone!" but a part of me really likes my BlackBerry. Then there's another part of me that goes, "try something new!" There are some really great, inexpensive, Samsungs.

So I'm wondering what you all's thoughts on the matter are?

Don't bother giving me a call about this because my phone is dead (won't take the charge at all now). Just email me your thoughts. :)

Botox

2009-05-24T21:05:00.001-07:00

This clip always makes me laugh... ah the wonder that is botox and why anyone would put it in themselves.

Broken

2009-05-11T15:16:00.001-07:00

Another song I like off the radio. Broken by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm Not Allright

2009-05-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

Nothing about me personally. It's just a song I heard that I liked. It's called I'm Not Allright by Sanctus Real

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright...that’s why I need you

Body Ache

2009-05-02T22:10:00.000-07:00

My body must have known to wait till after today. I've been fighting off Lhermittes for a while now, rubbing my neck and readjusting. My legs have been getting tingly more often. But today, once I came home from the last of "Harvey"... I could feel it.
It was a quick set in. My eyes are having problems even focusing, and my hands are taking their time typing (or I should say retyping), my mental focus is also problematic, and my body is tingling all over... not in the good way.
My muscles feel tight, and I know my neck is. But anything that isn't numb, tingles. At least my body was kind enough to wait till I was done with things.

Going through the motions

2009-04-12T19:45:00.001-07:00

There are two different songs I like that have the same idea (and some words):

Going Through the Motions
- Buffy (Once More with Feeling)
BUFFY
Every single night
The same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real
Nothing here is right
I've been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart
I was always brave and kind of righteous
Now I find I'm wavering
Crawl out of your grave
You find this fight just doesn't mean a thing

VAMP
She ain't got that swing

BUFFY
Thanks for noticing

DEMON AND VAMPS
She does pretty well with fiends from hell
But lately, we can tell
That she's just going through the motions (Going through the motions)
Faking it somehow

DEMON
She's not even half the girl she - ow.

BUFFY
Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?

HANDSOME YOUNG VICTIN MAN
How can I repay - -

BUFFY
- Whatever.
I don't want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be
Alive!

The Motions
- Matthew West
This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

2009-03-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a famous female psychiatrist that lectured on the emotional rollercoaster of death and dying.

Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

She and her stages have been on my mind for a little while. I keep trying to remember what they each were. These are the stages those with terminal diseases go through, and anyone who has have to deal with someone else's death. You get thru them all and eventually move on.
People with chronic deases go through them as well. Unfortunately, we do not move on. Unlike cancer patients, those with MS do not die after the diagnosis is positive. Nor do they recover. MS is what it is, and you go through the same stages as anyone else having recieved such a terrible diagnosis. Yes, MS will not kill you, but there are times you almost wish it would. That usually goes with the depression and anger stages.
I've gone through my stages, once. But with MS, since you live through it and then continue to live with it, it never fully goes away. You have to deal with these stages over and over and over. I generally live in the acceptance stage now, but there are moments, fleating moments that I have to go through the others again. There is no escape from it once you are diagnosed. It's a slow death sentence, with plenty of time to think and rethink it over. Like I said, after acceptance you usually forget about it, but there are reminders that come up and have to be dealt with. Each time I have to go through the emotions again.

President Obama to lift Stem Cell Ban

2009-03-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

President Obama is signing an executive order today lifting some stem sell research restrictions. This is a good thing for MS research as well as Alzheimer's, cancer, ALS, Parkinson's... and a whole laundry list of other bad things.

There was an interview of Michelle Obama a few weeks ago and she said her father died of MS. I assume she meant he died from MS related complications. Either way, I think lifting the ban on stem cell research will have great benefits from people suffering from all sorts of diseases, including all of the autoimmune diseases. It is fabulous news for all of us.

I'm hesitant to be an advocate for all types of stem cell research, due to the moral dilemma placed behind it. I'd rather stem cell research came from the placenta. The placenta is the uterine lining that provides nutrients to the embryo. It is discarded at birth. I think with the number of live births, this can be a very useful thing; and it would be indicative of the research capabilities.

Golas

2009-02-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

Sniff, Sniff... I miss my Golas.
Am I really that materialistic... well, yes. You don't know me if you ask that question. I had a really cool pair of red shoes that were perfect for me. They had great all-around grip to them, good arches, and were no laces, just velcro. That and they were really cool looking. I've not seen anything like them on anyone else.
I don't think I'd ever have gotten rid of them, they were so comfy, except that Tira ate the velcro a long time ago. I got so upset I actually searched for another pair like them (UK size 5) and it's mission:impossible. Where oh where did those little shoes go? After a no go on finding them, I just stuck it out. I got a safety pin and just attached the half eaten piece a bit firmer to the normal side. It worked for a while, but it was harder to work lately. So, I finally got on the bandwagon with Chris and gave away butt loads of stuff to Goodwill... and sad to say, the Gola's went away.
Now, Gola's aren't easily available in the US, and I was in London when I found them, and they were so hard to find when I actually decided on them. As far as feelings for material items go: I love my red Golas. I like them so much I've bought other styles (the red ones are the System style). I enjoy them and they are really good shoes, but they are not my signature shoes like the Systems.
"A dope pair of kicks made a girl feel good about herself." - Eve
This is very true. I feel sad that I lost such a bad-ass pair of shoes. Almost like loosing a bit of my personality and myself. If you can find it, get 'em for me, and I will pay you back. I don't care if I end up with fifty pairs. I will wear them for the rest of my life! Help me on this search, please?

MS Pixi

2009-01-27T13:07:00.000-08:00

Ugh! Pixi ran away today, again. It took me an hour to chase her down, she went all over and wouldn't listen to me. Right now she's in her kennel for the second hour. I'm gonna leave her in there for the rest of the day! She made me sooo mad!
My muscles hurt and are all tingly... stupid MS. I'm tired, and when I came in I was so cold it hurt.
Stupid dog! I really hate that she does that! It's so bad that when she does this it effects me in so many ways. I don't know what to do about her, suggestions?
I know Chris wants to get an electric fence, but I think it wouldn't cost as much if we just patched the hole. It's not a dug hole, like normally with her. She's actually been really good about not digging. She dug the cable line up in an small spot by the house, but we covered it up and she got the point, we think. Also she did tare up a patch or two of the sod that didn't take.
The hole that she keeps getting out of is a separation between the fence and the house. It kind of defeats the purpose of the fence if you ask me. I think they should have left a little of the chain link and attached it to the house. I don't know how to fix it where it'll look good.
I just hate that she gets out like this. It's not fair. Cause now I have to watch her every move and walk her by leash instead of letting her roam free.

Shaking

2009-01-26T19:14:00.000-08:00

I've been shaking a lot lately, mainly in my hands. Not that I don't do that on a semi-normal basis, but it's more noticeable lately.
A few nights ago my whole body was shaking, like shivers when you're cold. I am normally cold, but I wasn't cold. I was actually warm. I couldn't stop shaking unless I really really tried.
I think it's mainly because of the weather, and my muscles are tense a lot of the time. Overtension of muscles can cause massive shaking when they relax, and minor shaking while under tension. So I'm not worried, just documenting it to remember.

Living with Multiple Sclerosis and staying positive

2009-01-21T19:43:00.001-08:00

This was a video post by someone going through an episode. I thought it was somewhat refreshing to see someone being so positive about it and she has great descriptions of what's going on.

Retiring Hank Dooley's Basketball Jersey: Feb. 3

2009-01-20T18:44:00.000-08:00

Ms. O wants to let everyone know that on February 3, 2009, there is a high school basketball game in Yale. During half time of the boys game, they are going to retire Hank's jersey. It would be great if everyone that knew Hank was able to be there. So tell everyone you know.

PS. They will also be retiring David Williams' jersey as well.

Computer Crash

2009-01-09T15:15:00.000-08:00

Crap crap crap!
My external memory went caput the other day, so I took it to Best Buy's Geek Squad, and they just called me. They can't retrieve any of it, it's completely fried.
So everything I've had for the past three years (and more) has been erased completely! Grr, this makes me so upset. I don't have any of my music, written works, or (most importantly) my photos! All my portfolio pictures, honeymoon pictures, and any other trips I've taken have been completely wiped clean! I hate this. I put them on that drive so I could have them later, but now I've completely lost them. This is such a big upset to me because I feel like I've lost my memories.
I know this sounds weird, but with the MS I felt I needed to back-up my mental memories, and I thought I could do that with gigabites. I don't know what to do, and it's just making me so depressed. I feel like I've lost all my memories and that I'll never be able to retrieve them again. I hate this.

Nothing Is Impossible

2009-01-08T19:42:00.000-08:00

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
- Matthew 17:20

All-powerful Lord, Your might is a part of my life. The incredibleness of this truth is my reason for often neglecting Your resource. How can it be possible that You allow Your children such strength? What an awesome God You are. History shows us that kings of men often strip their followers of hope. But You clothe those in Your kingdom with possibility.
Show me what faith, even the smallest faith, can accomplish, Lord. Next time I face a mountain on my spiritual journey, I will not ask if You will help me to the top. Instead, I will draw forth a faith that requires the obstacle be moved altogether.

Facing the Storm

2009-01-08T19:35:00.000-08:00

Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
- Matthew 8:24-26

Craziness consumes me, Lord. Beneath the confidence I show the world, God, You know an ocean of fear rocks and swells. That is why I avoid quiet time with You. I'm afraid to face the storm.
God, I am just like the disciples who followed You and listened to Your many explanations of what it means to believe. I have heard Your parables and witnessed Your faithfulness, yet I cry, "Save me," with little faith. Pull my gaze to Your eyes. Do not let me look at the waves about to crash into my ordered world. When the winds die down and I face You on the calm waters, I want to be found standing as a faithful servant.

Restored by Faith

2009-01-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

He touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you"; and their sight was restored.
- Matthew 9:29-30

Heal me, Lord, from the inside out. My spirit is sick from worry and stress. Create a healthy soul inside this temple. I have neglected to nourish my spirit - show me the way back. Wounds ignored for too long need Your healing touch. Remove scars that remind me of old but not forgotten hurts. I trust You to mend my brokenness.
Let me have the same belief when I need physical healing. I know You hear and answer these prayers. Help me to understand that I do not understand the vast number of ways in which You heal. My human eyes can be blind to Your acts of mercy. Restore my sight, Lord. Let me feel Your touch and hear You say, "According to your faith will it be done to you."

Unhealthy Living

2009-01-08T19:26:00.000-08:00

Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; my bones have no soundness because of my sin.
- Psalm 38:3

My sin is like a wound. When left unattended, it becomes more painful, spreads, and deepens. The damage becomes more difficult to repair. But when I come to You right away, Lord, and confess my sin, the healing begins immediately. "Freedom from sin" is no longer just a phrase or bit of head knowledge. It is a real happening in my life. I actually have the sensation of a burden removed from my spirit.
Hear my prayers, Lord. Listen to my cries of repentance. Restore the strength of my flesh, bones, and soul.

Letting Go of Nothing

2009-01-08T19:19:00.000-08:00

Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life.
- Proverbs 4:13

When I filter out needless information from my gathering of knowledge, what remains are the eternal truths You provide. In my busyness, I acquire a lot of worthless detail about so many different things. I memorize addresses, PIN codes, passwords, airport regulations, and word processing shortcuts. There is little room left for Your instruction.
Clear my mind, Lord. Details are important, but when I come to You in prayer, I want to let go of these bits of nothingness. Let them fade away so I can hold tightly to Your instruction as You speak it into my heart.

Justice for All

2009-01-08T19:15:00.000-08:00

Many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that man gets justice.
- Proverbs 29:26

I want to be heard, Lord. I always want to tell my side of a situation so an authority can vindicate me. But it is You, Lord, who should receive my call for justice. You are the judge of my soul and my life - why should I seek out any other rulers? In the same way, help me to resist determining the fate of another. It is not my right to stand in Your place.
Lord, guide me in Your ways when there is conflict. Fill me with wisdom, honesty, and courage, and let me rely on their strength if I am accused. Keep me blameless so no harm is brought to Your name. Guard my heart from resentment if I am not treated fairly. May I live out forgiveness and faith, anticipating the justice of love I will receive when in Your presence.

Self-Deception

2009-01-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
- 1 John 1:8

To maintain my sense of status in the world, I sometimes build myself up with half-truths. I have moments when I would rather believe lies that seek Your truth. I am weak in that way. But the bottom always falls out from beneath plans based in deception. Sooner or later I end up back at the foot of the cross.
I have such sin, Lord. When I compare my human fickleness to Your godly steadfastness, I am ashamed. But there is redemption in faith that is grounded in Your goodness. I return to You and Your unchanging truth.

Longing for Company

2009-01-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heard and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?
- Deuteronomy 10:12-13

When was the last time I spoke to You from my heart? Some days bring trials, others bring joy. Today brings a mixture of both. I am thankful to have entered into Your presence because I was longing for Your company without even knowing it.
Is my day going as You planned? Am I missing something wonderful, important, divine? Help me embrace today's complexities, questions, and ordinary demands. Somehow just sitting here in Your presence is changing my outlook for the rest of today. Did You need to remind me that You were walking beside me? My pace has been so fast, sometimes even reckless, that I forgot how steady a moment can be. With just a brush of Your Spirit, my day has taken on the color of hope.

Off Track

2009-01-07T20:23:00.000-08:00

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord.
- Proverbs 21:30

I have a planner overflowing with... well, plans, of course. Each day's box lays claim to a portion of my life. I know that each time I set a commitment down in blue ink, I am also claiming a portion of the time You have planned for me. I imagine I am steering things in the wrong direction more times than not. I take great comfort in knowing You are able to guide my random efforts back to Your intention for my life.
As I make plans for the days ahead, may I seem Your guidance, Your priorities, and Your will. When I follow Your direction, the meaning of each day is magnified. The possibilities to serve You becomes clear.

Moving On

2009-01-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
- Isaiah 43:18-19

Free me from the past, Lord. I spend too much time there. Good times that have come and gone replay in my mind so often that I miss the wonder of today's joy. Cause me to return to the present, Lord. Draw my attention back to the life in front of me. My past has nothing to offer You or myself. But today... now... has so much to offer.
Give me a view of new wonders You are doing. I imagine they are brilliant happenings. Do not let my mind slip to the past, except to count the times You have blessed me. Then I must move on. My past serves my future... it is a foundation for all days that follow. Now, I must invest my time, my dreams, my prayers on the future You have carved out for me.

Savoring

2009-01-07T19:52:00.000-08:00

A longing fulfilled is sweet to the soul, but fools detest turning from evil.
- Proverbs 13:19

"Be careful what you wish for." Oh, the wise sayings of man! But it is true. The rush of claiming an object of longing pushes aside any thoughts of consequences. I know I set my sights on desires that are not of You. But the pursuit can be sweet nonetheless. Lord, help me see how these worldly prizes are empty.
Turn my eyes and spirit from the road leading to ruin. Set my path in the right direction. Give my heart a passion for Your knowledge, grace, and love. When earthly longings enter my field of vision, let me see them for what they are: distractions. Let nothing keep me from absolute fulfillment in You. Let me savor Your sweetness.

Waiting to Talk

2009-01-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

You will call and I will answer you; you will long for the creature your hands have made.
- Job 14:15

I have allowed days and days to go by without talking to You, Lord. In fact, a whole season of life seems to have blurred by while I tapped my fingers and waited for change, peace, better things. Why in a time of drought do I forget to pray for rain? I have failed to keep up my end of the dialogue in the past, and You have been faithful. I suppose it is because You have not left. You wait. You move in and through my life and wait for me to respond.
So I called to You today, Lord. On my knees I bow before You and pray for You to hear me. Before Your presence covers me, I taste the dryness of desperate longing. I understand what it means to wait for a response from someone I love.

Working Toward Maturity

2009-01-07T19:43:00.000-08:00

Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
- James 1:4

That problem I neglected to give over to You has circled back to me again. While I did not bring it to You, I did toss it into the cosmos, and I thought it would sort of drift forever. Well, it is here now for a return engagement. Lord, help me give this to You once and for all. Then give me strength to learn the lesson of perseverance.
I require so much work, Lord, and yet You continue to provide me with what I need, when I need it. I never lack for anything. I am grateful for the times when You called me to wait, to learn, to push through a situation. You patiently work in my life so that I may become complete in You.

Remaining

2009-01-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

Brothers, each man, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation God called him to.
- 1 Corinthians 7:24

I want to shed my current situation. But I know You have called me to be here. This "now" I am experiencing is within Your will. I sense that when I pray for release. You ask me to be patient, willing, and open.
I am overwhelmed by responsibilities I juggle in life. Ordering their priority is not simple. Help me relize that I don't have to understand how all these ieces fit together in a master plan. My only responsibility is to You. My commitment to rest in my current situation is an act of faith. I follow Your call and hold onto the hope of things to come.

Your Perfect Will

2009-01-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will.
- Romans 12:2

So many choices and decisions seem to fill my world, Lord. I pray to rest in Your will and Your way so that I do not lose sight of my future as a child of God. My work can consume me, and my worries about material things can undermine the blessings. Change my heart, Lord. Let the matters of eternal importance become my priority list.
Oh, how I crave a life of significance. But even as I pray, a flood of insecurities can fill me, and I have no room left for the purpose You wish to pour into my cup. Let me not be anxious to fill my life with clutter and trivial distractions, Lord. Let my life, my heart, my soul be vessels that await the flow of Your Spirit.

Let It Be

2009-01-07T18:04:00.000-08:00

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
- Matthew 6:34

I want control over today and tomorrow. I know you can do a much better job, Lord, but I still battle for control. I don't have a great track record when I try to take the reins from Your hands. Let today affect my tomorrow. Give me the strength I need in this moment to give You my tomorrow.
There will be worries. There will be struggles. But tomorrow is also filled with possibility. I am inching closer to eternity, and this is a journey I want to savor, not suffer through. Give me the courage to live fully today and await tomorrow with great hope.

Hope and a Future

2009-01-07T17:46:00.000-08:00

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to Prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a faliure."
- Jeremiah 29:11

My to-do lists and the task reminders that pop in my computer screen reflect a bit of my nature. Lord, I like to know what will occur and how it will take place. No surprises for me, please. I equate the unknown with potential problems. Cure me, Lord, of such a pessimistic view of my future. I have hope... I just want control too. It is so very shortsighted of me to have such little trust in You, the Creator of the world and of my life.
Reach out and still my active worried mind so it recives and accepts Your Word. You have places to prepare me and not to harm me. Replace my anticipation of complications with assurance of security. May I start and end my to-do lists with prayers of thanksgiving.

Release Me from Worry

2009-01-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
- Luke 12:25-26

Lord, you are my source of strength in all things. How do I forget that Your mighty hand is placed upon my life? Today, I give over to You the many things that occupy my mind and my heart. Help me to release my worries to You as they take hold of me. These anxieties keep me from embracing the life You have planned for me. Your mercy surrounds me with comfort. Your love is my source of strength, and it is my future.
Meet me today, Lord. Here in this moment. In the midst of the troubles that weigh me down. Sometimes it is difficult for me to ask for help. To admit to weakness. But my soul is weary, and I want to give my burdens over to You. You are a mighty, faithful God. Thank You, Lord, for hearing my prayers today and every day. My spirit is buoyed as my prayers are spoken. I love You, Lord.

- from "One-Minute Prayers for Women"

Much ado about... a sink

2009-01-06T19:36:00.000-08:00

Okay, the reason we're not moving into the new house until next week, and the reason there was so much stress and waiting on the closing, was that the sinks were too short.
I know that might not sound like a big deal to some, but it is to me. Chris didn't notice because he's so tall that all sinks are short.
It bothered me when they first got but in, but no one listened/believed me. I finally got to measure the sinks in the new house, the ones in our current rental, and the ones in the model home. The sinks in the new house were 2.5-3 inches shorter than the rest. I tried to tell people, but they just brushed me off.
Finally, the day before closing, I told them we weren't going to close unless they promised to solve this problem. I didn't expect them to fix it that day, I just wanted a contract stating that they would soon fix it.
There was much arguing that I wasn't directly a part of. They tried offering us installation of fans, and grannet to put as a breakfast bar. I said "those are great, but I still want the sinks fixed... In fact I just want the sinks fixed. I don't care about the other stuff. We were planning on doing that ourselves anyway."
They finally, begrudgingly, agreed. But they said we couldn't move anything in until they were completely done, for liability sake. We agreed, it makes sense.
I just hate that it took me being so bitchy for it to get fixed. I'll just be glad when we can get moved in and unpacked.

List of Stress

2008-10-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

This is a list of stressful stuff just so I can get rid of the emotional issues behind them:
1. Wedding dress running late.
2. Bridesmaids dresses not being done on time.
3. Bridal Palace giving the wrong dresses to the maids.
4. MS drug test may be put off.
5. Not knowing if I want to go through with drug test due to side effects.
6. Money money money.
7. Feeling like I'm lost, and not knowing what to do.
8. Being sick.
9. Asking for/taking days off.
Everything is making me feel depressed. I can't avoide feeling dispair... I can't stop thinking about everything. My head is swimming. Even if I stop thinking about one thing, I think about another.
I don't know what to do or how to just stay calm and start feeling better... about everything.

Sickness, Study, & Signs

2008-10-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

So I've been sick for about two weeks (a week and a half) and I'm about to take part in the MS Drug Study for Fingolimod. I've gone through all the steps and was supposed to be randomized (wether I'm taking a placebo or the real thing) this upcoming Monday. But they just called today and said that since I've been sick, my immune system is at risk, because one of the side effects of Fingolimod is an even weaker immune system. They want me to be completely healthy before I start. I can respect that.
The catch is that I have been praying to God wether or not to go through with it. I started praying when I saw that one of the side effects was potentially extreme birth defects. That really worried me, and so I started to pray. I asked for a sign on if I should start the study or not. Because having children in the future is a super big concern of mine. I know that if I did the study, we'd have to wait at least three years before we could start, by then I know we'll be ready, but at the same time... what if this new, unstudied drug does something adverse? It's already been recorded of two different birth defects durring the last study of it. Besides, I wouldn't mind starting a family soon. I know Chris is a little bothered by the idea that he's already 30. He doesn't say it, but I know that before we started dating he mentioned he thought he'd already have kids by now.
I'm worried/wondering if this is the sign? I've put so much into this study already, but when I talked to Him, I said "even if it's last minute." I guess I shouldn't have been specific. I can't wait too long, because the cut off date for the study is October 30. I have to be randomized by then if I'm going to be a part of it. If I'm not, this is a perfect time for me to drop out, because I haven't started taking anything, I've just been doing baseline tests, so I don't have to worry about follow up tests... or adverse reactions.
Because they're having to move my randomization date, I have to get another MRI. I got one on September 18th, but I have to have it done before the 30 day mark of the randomization date... and I miss it by 10 days. I can't do the randomization date earlier, beacuse the doc isn't in except that one day next week, and he's not in at all the following week. After that, I'm on my honeymoon.
I just don't know what to do, so I've added the poll at the top to get opinions.

I just got a call from them again. They're able to get me in to do randomization on the 15th, so I don't have to do another MRI. But it still makes me wonder and worry. I mean, those two/three hours that I thought I was going to have to do everything again... they really shook me up. Is this a wake up call? An "answer" to my prayers? If so, what does it mean, since I've gotten calls both ways? Suggestions, answers, and prayers are all greatly accepted.

Wedding Frustrations

2008-10-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

Grrrr!! I am so frustrated that everything is being late! I made sure I was on time, if not early, on ordering things, but they are still not happening on time!
The invitations were late, and had a mistake on it! And no one RSVPs anymore! I sent out 150 invitations, and have gotten maybe a third of people RSVPing, either yeah or neigh.
My dress was late, even though I ordered it way ahead of time! Apparently the Maggi Sottero facorty burned down or something, because it was soo late getting in! I thought, "okay, the place I ordered from isn't at fault." But now the bridesmaids dresses have been late, and they didn't overnight the ones to the maids that are out of town! It's so frustrating with only two weeks to go, and some of my bridesmaids haven't even gotten their dresses! The ones out of town I don't berief, it's the ones close that haven't picked them up!
It's so frustrating when so many little things don't happen right. It makes we worry about the bigger picture: the wedding. I'm just praying the serinity prayer, breathing, and taking one step at a time:

Reactions

2008-09-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I wasn't feeling well after all the tests on the 18th. It's the first time I've had a reaction to the flaire dye from the MRI. But then after I got home, I was feeling really bad in the stomache. I got nausias and diariahe.
I also noticed a bad reaction to the ECG stickers. They were really itchy towards the end there, and I noticed once I got them off that I was scaring. Even after I've showered, they're still a bit itchy, and it's hard to ignore. But they're getting better now. But there are a few that are raw and scared. Chris has washed them with alcohol, but... anyway, I've started putting Neosporine on them, hopefully it's not too late.
I noticed that my throat was itchy. It was hard to not caugh while I was laying down for the MRI. If I remember right, I caughed a bit with the asthma medication on the 16th. The caughing got worse, and my throat is really raw now.
I wasn't able to go in to work on Friday because it hurt so much. I was dizzy with vertigo, and had a headache. It wasn't good. I spent the day sleeping myself well while trying not to move too much.
I still have the coughing and the vertigo. But Chris got me some caugh supressant and it seems to be slowing them down. Hopefully I'll be ready for work tomorrow.
The thing is I'm not sure what the coughing/itching is from. I have a few theories. 1) A number of people at work, especially the ones I work closesly with, have been sick the last couple of weeks; so maybe I got it from them. 2) The asthma medication. 3) Just another bad reaction from the MRI Flair injection. 4) I have a weakened immune system due to all the running around poking & proding my body for all the tests.

More Doctors

2008-09-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

Today was another long day. It started at 8:30am with meetings with my physciatrist and psycologist. That took a total of 1.5 hours.
Following that I had to redue my labs. Ugh! They hadn't pulled all the viles out, so the didn't have enough blood for the tests. Yup, they had to do it twice.
After that I had an MRI at 12:30 pm. I was told I could get a topical numbing gel put on my arm for where they were going to have to do the injection, as well as getting an anti-anxiety pill. They didn't give me either though, because I was told to arrive 30 minutes before, and when I got there they told me, it had to be an hour before. Grrr!!! So mad was I! They did put a towel over my eyes so I couldn't watch. Anyway, so I had to have the regular MRI, and then one with flair (the dye injection).
After that I had to have a chest x-ray. They also made me breathe normal, hold my breathe, and do deep breathes. It was all in the same place.
Then I was swept over to the neurology place to do an ECG Test. For this one they just did a blood pressure test and then hooked me up to a heart monotor for 24 hours. I was able to go home with a traveling monotor. I had a whole bunch of stickers all over my body. Ugh, but at least I could take it home with me.

Testing for the Test

2008-09-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

Whew! Today was a busy busy day! I took the day off of work because I had five different tests today for the FTY720 trials.
At 7:30am I had a Pulmonary Function Test. This is where they test my lung capacity. I had to breathe into a tube a number of times. One of the tests was just me breathing regularly, then taking a deep breath in and blowing it all out. Another test was breathing in against something blocking the airway. The next was breathing out against something blocking the airway.
Each of the tests I had to do three times. Then I had to take an asthma medication and wait a little bit. Then I had to repeat and do all the tests again... three times. You'll see that that's a pretty regular thing: 3 times repeate of tests.
The next test was getting my labs done right afterwards (about 9:00am). They had to draw three viles worth of blood for all sorts of tests I'm not aware of. I also had to do a urine test for pregnancy assurance.
The test after that was MS Functional Composite Test, at 10:00am. This test was actually another series of tests. They had me walk as fast, and as safely, as I could down a straight path... x3. The next test we did was seeing how fast I could put pegs into a board, one by one. This one we did six times because we did it with each hand three times. The next test was reading letters off the wall. The bottommost line I could read. The letters were all the same sizes, they just faded as they went down the wall. I think I did pretty good at that. Again, x3. They had to take my blood pressure (which sucked because it was on the arm that the blood was taken from)... four times, because one of the times didn't take. Oh, and the hardest test we did was this numbers test. They played a CD that would give numbers and I'd have to add them up, then it'd give me another number, and I'd have to add it to the last number (not the answer to the last set). It's a lot tougher than it sounds because it's start spilling out numbers quickly. Again, x3.
At 1:15pm I had an EDSS Test. This is your basic MS test that the neurologist does. It was done by a different doctor from my normal neurologist. This was where he made me walk a straight line, one foot in front of the other. Then he checks my reflects. Then the doc did the poke test, to see if I could tell the difference between soft and sharp. He also did the "ping" test. That's what I call it, at least. It's where he takes a tuning fork, srikes it ("ping!"), and then places it against parts of my body to see if I can feel the vibrations. I was fine, except my left foot, it took quite a strong "ping" for me to feel it.
Then I had to do it all over again with Dr. Webb. Which wasn't bad, it just meant that I had to repeate it only twice. Not bad.
It was a long day of testing. But it was over by two pm, which was nice.

FTY720 Visit 1

2008-09-09T18:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm getting ready to start the drug tests for an oral MS drug. On Sept. 9th I met with Nancy the Neurologist and went over the paperwork. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it took a lot longer than I thought it would. It turns out Fingolimod (FTY720) has a few side effects that made me a bit worried.
The biggest thing about Fingolimod is that it moves the white blood cells, which causes the immune system to be weakened. It's bad enough that MS causes the innune system to be weakened, now I'll be taking something that causes it to be even worse. Grr. Oh well, I'll just have to up the vitamin dosages and such... and take extra shots, for flu and such.
The other thing that really really worries me is the birth defects as a possibility. That really scares me and makes me worry about the future. Is it worth it, I think? I keep thinking that maybe I should wait and go ahead with hmy life. But I still go on with heading towards the trials, thinking of I'm not supposed to do it, one of the tests will turn out negative, and I'll have to drop out. It's hard to not think about. There's only been two recorded cases of birth defects, and they might have not properly gone off the medication before getting pregnant. But it still worries me.

Lost Dog!!

2008-08-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

Pixi is lost. This is the longest she has run away for. Normally we'd recieve a call by now, but... nothing. I'm so worried.
Please keep her in your prayers that she comes home safely and soon.

LATER ADDITION: She came home around 10pm the same night all on her own. She drives me crazy running away like that!! Grrrr. She's covered in burrs, so we have to go get her hair cut again. I quickly took her to the shower because she was also covered in mud. She knew she was in trouble.
I guess untill we figure things out, we're just going to have to walk them, rather than let them out on their own. :(
But at least she's safe and back at home. Still, keep her in your prayers... both the dogs, because we've got to sort out what to do about them digging and running.

Spasicity

2008-07-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written, but I had an episode of Spasticity. This is the second time in 10 days or so. July 4th was the last time. It's only happened one other time; I was still on Avonex and it was sometime last year (it's documented in my blogger under that Electrical feeling, because that's what I could describle it as, but the last time I had it Chris helped me figure out exactly what it was... Spasticity, because the muscle hypertonisity. We've treated it briefly with b-12, and waiting on what the doctor could recomend, but that's about all we can do for now. Below is what spasticity is:
Spasticity or muscular hypertonicity is a disorder of the body motor system, and especially the central nervous system (CNS), in which certain muscles are continuously contracted. This contraction causes stiffness or tightness of the muscles and may interfere with gait, movement, and speech. Depending on severity, the person with the spastic muscles may or may not feel it. However, it can often be severely disabling . The human motor system is not always linked with the sensory systems, nor the voluntary-muscle systems.
Symptoms may include hypertonia (increased muscle tone), clonus (a series of rapid muscle contractions), exaggerated deep tendon reflexes, muscle spasms, scissoring (involuntary crossing of the legs), and fixed joints (contractures). The degree of spasticity varies from mild muscle stiffness to severe, painful, and uncontrollable muscle spasms.
The condition can interfere with rehabilitation in patients with certain disorders, and often interferes with daily activities. Over the years, it may increase in its effect, so more severe treatments may be needed later. Cold weather and fatigue can trigger spasms more severely than other times. The constant spasms can lead to muscle fatigue so periodic rest is required but often difficult to achieve. Multi-tasking (such as walking, talking, eating and other activities) can also trigger more severe spasticity.
I guess I really do need a break; but from what? from what? London, here I come. I feel bad because Chris is the one with a job, I'm still trying to get one. The house is now in beautiful shape, but that's only because Patti came over and did so after my attack today.
I've never had an attack durring the daytime, I was in my car luckily. But it felt so public. I couldn't stop shaking, and crying. It hurt so bad.
Luckily Chris was working close. I could barely get words out, it came on so fast. I just need to rest.

Money

2008-06-04T23:24:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest things I stress about the most is the M-word: Money. I worry about the wedding costing way too much... every time I look at something online, or think about the dress. I worry about the house being out of Chris and I's budget. I worry about the Yale house costing waaayyy tooo much in reconstruction. Will I ever find a job... let alone two? And what about Chris' not being all the time?
Anyway, there's all sorts of worries but that's a big one.
I don't want to have to rely on my folks or Chris' all the time for stuff, or have them feel like we're using them for every little thing.

Oklahoma Allergies

2008-05-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

One bad thing about moving back to Oklahoma is the allergies. Both Chris and I are experiencing bad allergies of the nighttime. We both caugh really badly, and when we breath, it sounds like we're whistling. It is not good.
It got so bad I went to Walgreens last night and talked to the pharmasist. He sugested Musinex DM, or the off brand, so we got the Walgreens brand, and it's worked great. It does knock you out, so watch out. I'm still stuffed up in my sinus cavities, but not as badly... I can at least breath through one side. As long as I don't breath out my mouth I don't whistle, and it doesn't hurt like it did.
I'm still going to try and get us both in to see an allergy specialist. I think I saw one here in Owasso.

MS and Eastern Medicines

2008-05-12T13:57:00.000-07:00

One of my MS friends asked me about my travels into China Town today, this is what I wrote:

I actually didn't have to get the acupuncture. The Dr. reccomended some herbal stuff I'm going to try for 5 days and go back and report on results. But while I was in China Town I got a foot massage with reflexology. My feet and legs have been numb to the core and I've had that all over electric tingly feeling any time my body is at rest. And of course, the dizziness has been so rediculous I've been walking drunk even with a cane! But the foot massage (with japanese reflexology - it's really deep tissue) really helped a lot that! I can tilt my head and roll over in bed without getting dizzy; I immediately lost that electric tingly feeling!; I have feeling in my feet and legs; and this was all today. I am completely amazed. They said I should get it once a week or so, I totally agree... so should you!

A Letter to "Normals"

2008-04-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

Having MS means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike having cancer or being hurt in an accident, most people do not understand even a little about MS and its effects, and of those that think they know; many are actually misinformed.

In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand......
These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me....

- Please understand that being sick doesn't mean I'm not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit I probably don't seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about school, and work and my family and friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.

-Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy, that's all. It doesn't mean that I'm not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I'm getting better, or any of those things. Please, don't say, "Oh, your sounding better!" I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome to.

Please understand that being able to stand for ten minutes doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes ,or an hour, and just because I manage to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn't mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you’re either paralyzed, or you can move. With this one it gets more confusing.
-Please repeat the above paragraph substituting "sitting", "walking", "thinking", "being sociable" and so on.... it applies to everything. That's what MS does to you.

-Please understand that MS is variable. It's quite possible (for me, its common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I'll have trouble getting to the kitchen. Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying "But you did it before!" if you want me to do something then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, it this happens please do not take it personally.

-Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. Telling me I need a treadmill , or that I just need to loose (or gain) weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes... may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct....if I was capable of doing these things , don't you know that I would? I am working with my doctor and physical therapist and am already doing the exercise and diet that I am suppose to do.

Another statement that hurts is, "You just need to push yourself more, exercise harder..." Obviously MS deals directly with muscles, and because our muscles don't repair themselves the way your muscles do this does far more damage than good and could result in recovery time in days or weeks or months from a single activity. Also, MS may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed if you were hurting and exhausted for years on end!?) but it is not created by depression.

-Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now...it cant be put off of forgotten just because I'm out for the day (or whatever). MS does not forgive.
-If you want to suggest a cure to me, don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because I have had almost every single one of my friends suggest one at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even helped, all people with MS then we'd know about it. This is not a drug company conspiracy, there is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with MS, if something worked we would know.

-If after reading that, you still want to suggest a cure, then do it, but don’t expect me to rush out and try it. I'll take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.
In many ways I depend on you....people who are not sick....I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out....Sometimes I need you to help me with the shopping, cooking or cleaning.
I may need you to take me to the doctor, or the physical therapist. I need you on different levels...you're my link to the outside world...if you don't come to visit me then I might not get to you.
...and, as much as it's possible, I need you to understand me.

Re: Death Seems Better

2008-04-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

A letter was written about the hardships of life being coiled upon a young woman, the fire of the devil burning her while the MonSter raged at her back the enter time. She sot solace in the MSuport group, and this was a beautifully written response I had to share:

I'm so very sorry to hear that all of this crap is coming down on you at once. I know it is a very difficult time, but I want you to know something:

MS Patients are without a doubt the STRONGEST people you will ever come across. They have to deal with so much, the light and extremes of things, more than others are exposed to. MS has no pre-determined course to the disease, like cancer, aids, etc... MS will not kill you. It does not end your life. What it does do is offer us
the "unexpected" on a daily basis, it's like the suspenseful part of a movie that we don't want to watch, but have to.

What we have to do, is to not lose everything about ourselves, but to modify/change who we are. We don't have to stop doing the things we love to do, but we do have to learn how to do them in a new/different way that is compatible with the limitations set forth by our condition. It doesn't "end" things all together, we just have to
learn how to modify our daily lives to accommodate MS.

MS wants to get us down and keep us down. But even if, for example, we are used to running 5 miles a day, and have to reduce it down to 1 mile a day, We still win, because we are still not down. We are not letting MS win by modifying what we do. Just changing "how" you do things will allow you to keep doing things that you love to do. MS might make some things more difficult, but that's just making you smarter and stronger.

I understand these thoughts you are having. I had them too during my first year after being diagnosed, but then I learned that our lives don't end because of MS, just making changes to accommodate will allow us to still persevere and beat the attempts by this disease to "keep" us down.

YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU, HERE TO HELP YOU THROUGH THIS. WE ARE HERE TO LISTEN TO YOU, SHARE WITH YOU, BE YOUR FRIEND AND YOUR NEW EXTENDED FAMILY. IF YOU EVER FEEL ALONE IN THE WORLD BECAUSE OF MS, OR FEEL THAT THINGS ARE JUST TOO MUCH, PLEASE REMEMBER US, AND THAT WE ARE ALL HERE, WAITING TO
SHARE, SUPPORT, LISTEN AND HELP EACH OTHER THROUGH THIS.

Now please do me a favor and read the following web page, and remember that when the day is over, We are still here for you.

http://www.metanoia .org/suicide/

http://www.metanoia .org/suicide/ spagebw.htm

You can make it through this. We need you.

Take care and God Bless.

Disney Disses the Mothers... Duh

2008-03-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

What does Disney have against mothers?
By Aisha Sultan
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
03/15/2008

My Disney discomfort hatched with an innocent question from my daughter, then 3 years old: "Where is Belle's mommy?"

The princess who loves to read seemed to be raised by a single, dotty father. No explanations for her missing mom. And she's far from the only motherless Disney character. Parental abandonment runs like a river through the original fairy tales from which Disney characters were drawn, and the theme continues to the most recent blockbusters. Snow White's mother dies in childbirth or soon thereafter. Ariel the Mermaid's mother never makes an appearance, and Jasmine's departed one gets fleeting mention. Pocahontas is on her own. And we all know about Cinderella's stepmom issues.

Given the Disney princesses' rock star status among little girls, I started to wonder: What does Disney have against mothers? Many of us can recall the iconic heartbreaking scenes when Bambi's mother is killed or Dumbo's mom is torn away from her baby elephant. Nemo's mom is cruelly eaten by a barracuda.

The theories behind Disney's "matricidal obsession" range from Disney creators devaluing motherhood to crass commercial and emotional exploitation of a sappy formula — that works.

"Historically, there's a good reason why in traditional fairy tales there aren't any mothers," says Jack Zipes, author of "Why Fairy Tales Stick: The Evolution and Relevance of a Genre." At the times when many ancient fairy tales originated, mothers frequently died young or in childbirth.

But that doesn't explain the continuing popularity of Disney's dead/absent mommies and the plethora of modern single dads in the movies. The lack of a nurturing mother figure is even more pronounced when considering the prevalence of scary older women — the Sea Witch in "The Little Mermaid," Cruella De Vil in "101 Dalmatians," the stepmother and witch in "Snow White," the jealous witch who curses Sleeping Beauty and the stepmother in "Cinderella."

The fairy tales that endure resonate with us because they tap into our deepest fears, capture a struggle to which children can relate and deliver a happily ever after. We connect with dysfunctional families. We fear losing our parents or orphaning our children.

Zipes says the role of mothers has stirred reactions since the beginning of storytelling: "There is a very deep, evolutionary psychological problem in a lot of these tales, and that's why we keep coming back to them. Because they raise issues we still haven't resolved."

I find the absent mommies more disturbing than the dead mommies. It bothers me when they are invisible, like Belle's mom — gone for no reason and unneeded. At least the deaths are seen and felt as tragic events, signifying a life-changing moment for the characters, which they eventually overcome. But when the moms just don't show up, it feels cold. It plants a haunting seed of doubt in a 3-year-old's mind that we can abandon our children even when there are no barracudas chasing us.

I don't remember how I explained Belle's lack of a mommy. Little girls fancy themselves as these princesses, and I wanted to create a backstory with a loving mommy character.

But I just didn't know how to spin that Disney magic.

update, not to worry! for myself

2008-03-04T22:12:00.000-08:00

Legs from knees down, and right side from ribs down, are needle-point numb. This means that they are no longer tingley numb, which is a good thing, because that gets annoying. But I do have to watch out because I can break a toe without knowing it because I won't feel it. Because it's all in my legs it really throws off my balance; it's like the world is one of those giant bouncey castles... and I'm trying to get through it. So, of course I look very drunk doing my daily tasks. My right leg is just very warm all the time, like an internal heating pad. Anything cold just feels wet, it's very odd. Sometimes I feel pain if the muscle is flexed.

What Living with MS feels like

2008-03-03T08:58:00.000-08:00

If you're like me, sometimes it's hard to explain to people what different MS symptoms feel like. Below is a great list that I had e-mailed to me that makes it a bit easier to explain it to people.

When We Say We Can't do Something Because We don't feel Well, put yourself in Our Shoes By Using The Examples of our Symptoms Below...

- Painful Heavy Legs: Apply Tightly 20 LB ankle weights and 15 LB thigh weights then take a 1 mile walk, clean the house, go shopping and then sit down - how ya' feeling now?

- Painful Feet: Put equal or unequal amounts of small pebbles in each shoe then take a walk, if we are mad at you we would prefer needles to pebbles.

- Loss of Feeling in Hands and/or Arms: Put on extra thick gloves and a heavy coat then try and pick up a pencil, if successful stab yourself in the arm.

- Loss of Feeling in Feet and/or Legs: Ask a doc for a shot of novocaine in both of your legs and then try and stand up and walk without looking like the town drunk. Hopefully you won't fall down.

- TN (Trigeminal Neuralgia): Take an ice pick and jam it into your ear or cheek whenever the wind blows on it, or a stray hair touches it. If you want something easier to do, get someone to punch you in the jaw preferably daily.

- Uncontrollable Itching: Glue or sew small steel wool pads to the inside of your shirt, pants and undergarments wear them for an entire day.

- Tingling: Stick your finger in an electrical socket - preferably wet.

- Tight Banded Feeling: Put 12 inch wide belt around you and make is as tight as you can and leave it there for the entire day. How ya' breathing?

- Shots: Fill one of our spare needles with saline solution, saline won't hurt you, we would love something worse but don't want to end up in jail. Give yourself a shot everytime we do our shot.

- Side Effects From the Shot: Bang you head against a wall, wrap yourself in a heating pad, wrap your entire body with an ace bandage tightly then finally treat> yourself to some spoiled food or drink.

- Trouble Lifting Arms: Apply 20 LB wrist weights and try and reach for something on the highest shelf in your house.

- Spasticity: Hook bungee cords to your rear belt loops and rear pant leg cuffs then for your arms hook bungee cords to your shirt collar and cuffs on shirt sleeves then go dancing.

- Poor Hearing/Buzzing in Ears: Put a bee in each ear and then put a plug in each
one...Bzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz

- Balance and Walking Problems: Drink 100 proof grain alcohol and then sit and spin in an office chair for 30 minutes, now get up and see what happens.

- Urgently Needing to Pee: We put a .5 liter remote controlled water bag and drip tube in your pants, we point out 2 restrooms in a crowded mall, then we tell you that you have 30 seconds before we activate the water bag (by remote control) to get to a restroom. Just for spite we may make that 20 seconds without telling you.

- Bizarre and Inexplicable Sensations: Place tiny spiders on your legs or arms and
allow them to periodically crawl around throughout the day, heck all day would be good too.

- Pins and Needles: Stab yourself repeatedly with needles all over your body or better yet....Get a very large tattoo in your most sensative area.

- Dizziness (Vertigo): Get on a gently rocking boat all day and all night and take
several walks around the deck with your eyes closed.

- Fatigue: Stay awake for two full days to induce incredible fatigue and then cook dinner, clean the house, walk the dog and see how you feel. Please do not compare MS fatigue to you being tired from only a few hours of sleep - it's not the same at all.

- Cognitive Function (Brain Fog): Take a liberal dose of sleeping pills but stay awake. Try and function properly and think clearly. To make it even more real without killing yourself of course, take the sleeping pills with a small sip of wine.

- Bowel Problems: Take a 4 day dose of an anti-diarrhea medicine followed directly by a 3 day dose of stool softeners for a minimum of 3 weeks, at the end of 3 weeks sit down on a hard uncushioned chair and stay there till tears appeared.

- Burning Feeling: Make a full pot of boiling water and then have someone fill a squirt gun with the boiling water and shoot it at yourself all day long. However, you can give us the pleasure of shooting you instead...optional of course.

- Intention Tremor: Hook your body to some type of vibrating machine try and move your legs and arms.....hmmm are you feeling a little shaky? You are not allowed to use anything fun for this lesson.

- Buzzing Feeling When Bending Our Heads to Our Chest (L'Hermitte' s): Place an electrical wire on your back and run it all the way down to your feet, then pour water on it and plug it in.

- Vision Problems (Optic Neuritis): Smear vaseline on glasses and then wear them to read the newspaper.

- Memory Issues: Have someone make a list of items to shop for and when you come back that person adds two things to the list and then they ask why you didn't get them. When you come back from shopping again they take the list and erase three things and ask why you bought those things.

- Foot Drop: Wear one swim fin and take about a 1/2 mile walk, nothing else needs to be said for this one, you'll get it.

- Depression: Take a trip to the animal shelter everyday and see all the lonely animals with no home. You get attached to one or more of the animals and when you come back the next day you come in while they are putting her/him asleep.

- Fear: Dream that you have lost complete feeling in your feet and when you wake up wiggle your feet, just so happens they don't move. Think about this every night wondering whether something on your body won't work the next day when you wake up.

- Swallowing: Try swallowing the hottest chili pepper you can find.

- Heat Intolerance or Feeling Hot When it's Really Not: You are on a nice vacation to Alaska. It's 35° outside and 65° inside. Light a fire for the fireplace and then get into it. Once you have reached about 110° tell me how you feel, even a person
without MS would feel bad, now add all of the above symptoms - welcome to our world.

Then Finally...

After subjecting yourself to the items above, let everyone tell you that you are just under a lot of stress, it's all in your head and that some exercise and counseling is the answer.

What I am

2008-02-28T22:20:00.000-08:00

I'm a reasonably good person. I don't take illegal drugs. I take what drugs are perscribed to me, and that is all. I don't drink excessive amounts of caffeene. I have about one cafeeninated drink a month, if that. I drink water only, basically. I am by no means a drug addict... but my doctor seems to think so. That's because of the way I went in to see her because I was very tweaky and shaky and had the chills because I can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me. I get these electrical episodes at night that just about kill me and it scares me. My neurologist won't see me for a few more days, so I'm lucky enough to get in to see my internal doctor. She just see's that I'm a crazy drug addict who just happens to admit to being bipolar. "Yes, but if I were being manic right now, I'd be a hell of a lot calmer than this." I say as a flame flairs up in my eyes from its hidden depths.
She gets me in to see my psychologist... great. He doesn't do anything different, just refills the drugs I'm currently on as if nothing's wrong.
Grrrrr....

Well, tomorrow we will see what the "all powerful" Dr. E says about it. Oh, I have a guess: Walk a straight line... now touch your nose... now touch my finger. Good. You're fine. Asshole. Grrr... But anyway, all my doctors now think I'm a psychotic drug attic. Great. They even tried to hide it from me when they were doing the drug testing. They were like "Oh, we're just testing you're B-12 and thyroid levels." Yeah, that's why drug test was circled three times on the sheet as well? I'm waiting for that lab report to come back and kick them in the ass. TOLD YOU SO. Bi-Ai-tch! Sorry, I'm getting readdy for my fighting words tomorrow with Dr. E. He's really the one that pisses me off. And is he gonaa get it... if I can rememeber it all. the damn SOB, lucky he works with people who lose their short term memories. Cursese!! Alright, I'd better get to sleep before the tingling acts up too much. have a good one.

Evita

2008-02-06T13:17:00.000-08:00

I wanted to add this insert because these songs from Evita have been playing in my head, the melodies at least, whenever I get down and lonely (which I am not right now, no worries). I just love how moving the music and lyrics are. Tim Rice really speaks to me through her words in the last bit of the first song and the rest of the others. They are just so...**sigh** well, you get what I'm saying. It's beautiful stuff, and I had to share it. Just lovely. As much as it makes me sad when I'm down, it makes me think when I'm in a good place. And think in a good way. It moves me. The love that they show and share, after everything, ends up being so beautiful and pure. He means his love for her, and he really means to stick by her, no matter what. And she tries to be strong... it's just so moving. **sigh** I leave it at that.

12. WALTZ FOR EVA AND CHE

CHE
Tell me before I waltz out of your life
Before turning my back on the past
Forgive my impertinent behavior
But how long do you think this pantomime can last?
Tell me before I ride off in the sunset
There's one thing I never got clear
How can you claim you're our savior
When those who oppose you
Are stepped on, or cut up, or simply disappear?

EVA
Tell me before you get onto your bus
Before joining the forgotten brigade
How can one person like me, say,
Alter the time-honored way the game is played?
Tell me before you get onto your high horse
Just what you expect me to do
I don't care what the bourgeoisie say
I'm not in business for them but to give all my
descamisados
A magical moment or two

CHE and EVA
There is evil, ever around, fundamental
System of government quite incidental

EVA
So what are my chances
Of honest advances?
I'd say low
Better to win
By admitting my sin
Than to lose with a halo

CHE
Tell me before I seek worthier pastures
And thereby restore self-esteem
How can you be so short-sighted
To look never further than this week or next week
To have no impossible dream?

EVA
Allow me to help you slink off to the sidelines
I'll mark your ado with three cheers
But first tell me who'd be delighted

If I said I'd take on the
The world's greatest problems
>From war to pollution?
No hope of solution
Even if I lived for one hundred years

CHE and EVA
There is evil, ever around, fundamental
System of government quite incidental

EVA
So go, if you're able
To somewhere unstable
And stay there
Whip up your hate
In some tottering state
But not here, dear
Is that clear, dear?

Oh what I'd give for a hundred years!
But the physical interferes
Every day more--O my Creator!
What is the good of the strongest heart
In a body that's falling apart?
A serious flaw--I hope You know that

13. Your Little Body's Slowly Breaking Down

PERON
Your little body's slowly breaking down
You're losing speed, you're losing strength--not style--
that goes on
Flourishing forever, but your eyes, your smile
Do not have the sparkle of your fantastic past
If you climb one more mountain it could be your last

EVA
I'm not that ill--bad moments come but they go
Some days are fine, some a little bit harder
But that doesn't mean
We should give up our dream
Have you ever seen
Me defeated?
Don't you forget what I've been through and yet
I'm still standing.

PERON
Eva, you are dying.

EVA
So what happens now?
Where am I going to?

PERON
Don't ask anymore.

14. You Must Love Me

EVA
Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be.
We had it all
You believed in me
I believed in you

Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive
How do we keep all our passions alive
As we used to do?

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me
You must love me

Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed.

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
You must love me (repeat three times)

15. EVA'S FINAL BROADCAST

EVA
The actress hasn't learned the lines you'd like to hear.
She's sad for her country.
Sad to be defeated by her own weak body.

(a microphone is switched on--she is now on the air)

CROWD
Evita! Evita! Evita!

EVA
I want to tell the people of Argentina
I've decided I should decline
All the honors and titles you've pressed me to take
For I'm contented--let me simply go on
As the woman who brings her people to the heart of
Peron!

Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I shall not leave you
Though it may get harder
For you to see me
I'm Argentina
And always will be

Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think
of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me to know that every
word is true

16. LATIN CHANT

CHE
She had her moments--she had some style
The best show in town was the crowd
Outside the Casa Rosada crying, "Eva Peron"
But that's all gone now--

17. LAMENT

(In her last hours, images, people and events from EVA's
life flow through her mind, while the grief of the nation
knows no bounds)

EVA
The choice was mine and mine completely
I could have any prize that I desired
I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire
Or else--or else I could choose time
Remember I was very young then
And a year was forever and a day
So what use could fifty, sixty, seventy be?
I saw the lights and I was on my way

And how I lived! How they shone!
But how soon the lights were gone!

(The moment EVA dies, EMBALMERS move in to
preserve her fragile body)

CHE
The choice was your's and no one else's
You can cry for a body in despair
Hang your head because she is no longer there
To shine, or dazzle, or betray.
How she lived, how she shined
But how soon the lights were gone

EMBALMERS
Eyes, hair, face, image
All must be preserved
Still life displayed forever
No less than she deserved

Sometimes Late at Night

2008-02-05T18:47:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, late at night, my legs suddenly feel like they're on fire. Almost immediately I start to twitch. The pain is so bad, My legs are under the crushing pressure of each other. The burning is so immense that it's actually cold instead of hot, and I start shivering. My torso feels like it's got a lasso around it, tightening and tightening, constricting my lungs and causing a pain in the middle of my back (like lying on a baseball with rusty nails). But it only happens when I'm trying to sleep late at night, not during the day, so we're still trying to figure things out.

FDA Warning Topamax

2008-02-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

FDA Alerts Health Care Providers to Risk of Suicidal Thoughts and Behavior with Antiepileptic Medications
..

..FDA ALERT
..
The FDA has analyzed reports of suicidality (suicidal behavior or ideation) from placebo-controlled clinical studies of eleven drugs used to treat epilepsy as well as psychiatric disorders, and other conditions. These drugs are commonly referred to as antiepileptic drugs (see the list below). In the FDA's analysis, patients receiving antiepileptic drugs had approximately twice the risk of suicidal behavior or ideation (0.43%) compared to patients receiving placebo (0.22%). The increased risk of suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation was observed as early as one week after starting the antiepileptic drug and continued through 24 weeks. The results were generally consistent among the eleven drugs. Patients who were treated for epilepsy, psychiatric disorders, and other conditions were all at increased risk for suicidality when compared to placebo, and there did not appear to be a specific demographic subgroup of patients to which the increased risk could be attributed. The relative risk for suicidality was higher in the patients with epilepsy compared to patients who were given one of the drugs in the class for psychiatric or other conditions.

All patients who are currently taking or starting on any antiepileptic drug should be closely monitored for notable changes in behavior that could indicate the emergence or worsening of suicidal thoughts or behavior or depression.

This information reflects FDA's current analysis of available data concerning these drugs. Posting this information does not mean that FDA has concluded there is a causal relationship between the drug products and the emerging safety issue. Nor does it mean that FDA is advising health care professionals to discontinue prescribing these products. FDA intends to update this document when additional information or analyses become available.

Adverse reactions or quality problems experienced with the use of this product may be reported to the FDA's MedWatch Adverse Event Reporting program; see addresses below.

Considerations for Physicians and Other Health Care Professionals

Data from 199 placebo-controlled clinical studies covering eleven different antiepileptic drugs were reviewed and analyzed for reports of suicidal behavior (completed suicides, suicide attempts and preparatory acts) and suicidal ideation. The studies examined the effectiveness of the drugs in epilepsy, psychiatric disorders (e.g., bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety) and other conditions (e.g., migraine and neuropathic pain syndromes). The analysis included a total of 43,892 patients ages five and older (27,863 in drug treatment groups and 16,029 in placebo groups).

There was a statistically significant increased risk of suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation in the patients randomized to receive an antiepileptic drug compared to patients who received a placebo. The estimated overall risk was about twice that of the placebo group. There were an estimated 2.1 per 1000 (95% CI: 0.7, 4.2) more patients in the drug treatment groups who experienced suicidal behavior or ideation than in the placebo groups.

Four of the patients who were taking one of the antiepileptic drugs committed suicide, whereas none of the patients in the placebo group did. The increased risk of suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation was observed at one week after starting the drug and continued to at least 24 weeks. Because most trials included in the analysis did not extend beyond 24 weeks, the risk of suicidal thoughts or behavior beyond 24 weeks could not be reliably assessed.

FDA will be working with manufacturers of marketed antiepileptic drugs to include this new information in the labeling for these products. FDA is also planning to discuss these data at an upcoming advisory committee meeting.

All patients treated with antiepileptic drugs should be monitored for suicidality and other unusual changes in behavior. Symptoms such as anxiety, agitation, hostility, mania and hypomania may be precursors to emerging suicidality.

Healthcare professionals who prescribe antiepileptic drugs should:

Balance the risk for suicidality with the clinical need for the drug

Be aware of the possibility of the emergence or worsening of depression, suicidality, or any unusual changes in behavior;

Inform patients, their families, and caregivers of the potential for an increase in the risk of suicidality so they are aware and able to notify their healthcare provider of any unusual behavioral changes.

Information for patients, family members, and caregivers:

..Taking antiepileptic medicines may increase the risk of having suicidal thoughts or actions;
..
..Do not make any changes to the medication regimen without first talking with the responsible healthcare professional;
..
Pay close attention to any day-to-day changes in mood, behavior and actions. These changes can happen very quickly so it is important to be mindful of any sudden differences.

Be aware of common warning signs that might be a signal for risk of suicide.

Some of these are:

Talking or thinking about wanting to hurt yourself or end your life

Withdrawing from friends and family

Becoming depressed or having your depression get worse

Becoming preoccupied with death and dying

Giving away prized possessions

If these or any new and worrisome behaviors occur, contact the responsible healthcare professional immediately.

Background and Data Summary

After preliminary analyses of data from several drugs in this class suggested an increased risk of suicidality, in March 2005, FDA requested data from manufacturers of marketed antiepileptic drugs for which there were adequately designed controlled clinical trials in order to review the possible association between these drugs and suicidality events. In an effort to obtain the most complete and accurate data for this review, requests for additional information and clarification were sent to the manufacturers in 2006 and 2007. The analyses performed were similar to those performed by FDA for antidepressant drugs in the last several years.

One-hundred ninety nine placebo-controlled clinical studies covering eleven different drugs were included in the primary analysis. The conditions studied in these clinical trials included epilepsy, selected psychiatric illnesses, and other indications, including migraine and neuropathic pain syndromes. The analysis included 27,863 patients in drug treatment groups and 16,029 patients in placebo groups. Patients included in the analysis were five years of age or older. The individual sponsors of the drugs were responsible for identifying suicidal behavior and suicidal ideation events in their databases based on the instructions provided by FDA.

There were 4 completed suicides among patients in drug treatment groups and none among the patients in placebo groups. Overall, 0.43% of the patients in drug treatment groups experienced suicidal behavior or ideation versus 0.22% of the patients in placebo groups, corresponding to an estimated 2.1 per 1000 (95% CI: 0.7, 4.2) more patients in the drug treatment groups who experienced suicidal behavior or ideation than in the placebo treatment groups (See Table). In this analysis, the relative risk for suicidal thoughts or behavior was higher for patients with epilepsy compared to those patients with psychiatric or other disorders (See Table). The higher risk for suicidal behavior or suicidal ideation was observed at one week after starting a drug and continued to at least 24 weeks. The results were generally consistent among the drugs and were seen in all demographic subgroups. Specifically, there was no clear pattern of risk across age groups.

.... Relative Risk and Risk Difference for
.. Suicidality According to Trial Indication:
..
Indication Placebo Patients with Events Per 1000 Patients Drug Patients with Events Per 1000 Patients Relative Risk:
Incidence of Events in Drug Patients/Incidence in Placebo Patients Risk

Difference:

Additional Drug Patients with Events Per 1000 Patients

Epilepsy 1.0 3.5 3.6 2.5
Psychiatric 5.2 8.3 1.6 3.1
Other 0.8 2.0 2.3 1.1
Total 2.2 4.3 2.0 2.1

The following is a list of antiepileptic drugs* included in the analyses:

Carbamazepine (marketed as Carbatrol, Equetro, Tegretol, Tegretol XR)

Felbamate (marketed as Felbatol)

Gabapentin (marketed as Neurontin)

Lamotrigine (marketed as Lamictal)

Levetiracetam (marketed as Keppra)
Patient Information Sheet

Oxcarbazepine (marketed as Trileptal)

Pregabalin (marketed as Lyrica)

Tiagabine (marketed as Gabitril)

Topiramate (marketed as Topamax)

Valproate (marketed as Depakote, Depakote ER, Depakene, Depacon)

Zonisamide (marketed as Zonegran)

* Some of these drugs are also available in generic form.

Although the drugs listed above were the ones included in the analysis, FDA expects that the increased risk of suicidality is shared by all AEDs and anticipates that the class labeling changes will be applied broadly.

Adverse reactions or quality problems experienced with the use of this Product may be reported to the FDA's MedWatch Adverse Event Reporting program either online, by regular mail or by fax.

Online: www.fda.gov/medwatch/report.htm
Regular Mail: use postage-paid FDA form 3500 available at: www.fda.gov/MedWatch/getforms.htm.
Mail to MedWatch 5600 Fishers Lane, Rockville, MD 20852-9787
Fax: 1-800-FDA-0178

Tingley Hibi-Jibies

2008-01-18T12:08:00.001-08:00

Okay, let me try to describe to you what the last few weeks have been like for me. Have you ever had an ant crawling on you (not bite you, just crawl on you... or maybe even a spider)? Okay, imagine that all over your body... not just one ant, though... millions... billions... gad-zillions! And not just over your body, but inside your body. I know not just ew, but creepy. But that's how my body feels right now, and has felt, progressively, for the past few weeks. At first it was just at night keeping me awake until something would kick in, and now it's anytime my body is still (sitting, standing, laying down, etc). Also, at first it was just in the legs, so I thought it was a case of RLS. But this week it has progressed rapidly up my trunk. I've quickly sleep medicated myself out, so now the pills don't work on me anymore. :( . I kind of equate what I feel to visually what the TV does when it has the black and white static. Anyway, just an update on the MonSter inside.

You Know You Have MS When

2008-01-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

These quips actually originated from a posting in the MS community at Daily Strength.

You Know You Have MS When:

Your four-year-old is better than you in memory games.
You face-plant into the floor and only afterwards you think, "I'm falling!"
You tell your daughter to go to bed (in the garage) at 9 PM.
You're on the phone with a dear friend and can't remember who the heck she is.
You pay the phone bill twice because you can't remember that you paid it in the first time.
You forget to pay the electric bill and your power gets turned off.
You realize you sent the electric bill payment to the phone company.
You call someone and by the time they answer the phone, you forgotwho you called.
You try to grease a skillit with 409 instead of Pam.
The bottoms of your feet are numb and you realize you've been walking around without shoes on because you can't tell the difference.
Your dog cleans up after you.
You attempt to bake cookies, but you use wax paper instead of parchment paper. Even worse, you can't determine what's wrong until your cookies start to look like candles in the oven. Worst of all you have to call your mom to ask if you are able to cook in the oven with wax paper. She thinks you've lost your mind because you've been baking cookies on parchment for years!
You dice your fingers while washing knives in the sink. The water turns red and you haven't a clue why.
It's easier to use Charades because you just can't remember the words.
You hold a nail with one hand and a hammer with another, but by the time you're ready to finally swing the hammer you've dropped the darn nail... again.
You call your daughter to ask for directions and realize you've already arrived at the location in question.
You attempt to move your index finger and your pinky finger moves instead.
You wash your hair with conditioner and THEN was it with shampoo.
You try to get your key into the door to your apartment. You jam and slam and swear! Your neighbor opens the door from the inside to help you and you realize you're breaking into the wrong place.
You go to the store, turn around and realize you're lost. You have to call your 16-year-old to come and find you (or you call your husband's cell phone just to hear it ringing like a homing device).
You have a college education, but when your doctor asks you to spell a simple, four-lettered word, you're speechless. Of course, you can easily shout out a four-letter word in reply (not necessarily the same one the doctor wanted to hear).
You invite your guests to sit on the cake while you serve the couch.
Your mom seeks out advice about Social Security from YOU.
Buttons are useless, zippers are worse, so your whole wardrobe turns into elastic waists or Velcro.
You have become jealous of how few times pregnant women go to the bathroom.
You use body soap instead of body lotion and can't figure out why it won't rub in.
You map out everywhere you go based on how many public restrooms are along the way.
You have to ask the dog where his leash is.
You fail a test for intoxication and you haven't had a drink (YOU try to walk a straight line with MS!)
Your nine-year-old tucks you in bed and kisses you on the nose.
Your 80-year-old mom jumps up from her seat and offers it to you.
You point your keyless car entry button at the front door of your home and wonder why the door isn't beeping.
Your Neuro asks you to look to the right and instead you look to the left. Or worse, you move your whole head instead of just your eyes.
You start to take your meds and can't remember if you already took them. So you hunt to find the pamphlet that comes with the prescription so you know what to expect if you accidentally overdose.
You do exactly what the instructions on teh shampoo bottle read: Wash, rinse, repeat. But, you only do it because you can't remember what parts you have already done.
You go to work with one shaved leg because you forgot to shave the other. The next morning you decide to shave the other leg to play catch-up, only to find out that you re-shaved the same one again.
You sleep in your work clothes because you're just too darn tired to change into PJ's and then back into work clothes the next morning.
Your 70-year-old father offers to let you borrow the cane he used after knee surgery, because it looks like you need it more than him.
One of your students (worried about your eyesight) tapes paper over the overhead lights and you think you've forgotten how to operate them.
You refer to swallowing a pill as swallowing a pillow.
Your child's teacher corrects YOUR spelling in a note to her.
You get excited when the weatherman says to expect "unseasonably cool" weather.
You show up to your job from four years ago, walk in the front door, and only then realize that you've shown up at the wrong employer.
And ond of the best ways to know you have MS is when your teenager thanks YOU for doing some of the cooking and cleaning!

2007-12-14T10:55:00.001-08:00

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

No more ear muffs

2007-12-13T16:18:00.000-08:00

It's official. This Saturday night my babies are going away. I found a nice lady through a chinchilla rescue service that is going to come and take them away. We've been corresponding over what to feed them and what not. I'm gonna miss them. But it's a sacrifice I need to make. They deserve better. And I've found someone who can provide that.

Blah

2007-12-12T20:36:00.000-08:00

Blagh... that's how I feel. I cant fully make sentences. It's just so blah right now.

Learn something

2007-12-01T09:46:00.001-08:00

moar funny pictures

Darn it!

2007-12-01T09:37:00.000-08:00

moar funny pictures
Just to give you a clue as to the weather lately...

Try to Smile

2007-12-01T09:35:00.000-08:00

moar funny pictures

Headache

2007-11-29T17:50:00.000-08:00

Allright... so I had a headache for most of the day yesterday, even had to take a nap at work (first time for that in a while). When I came home it turned into a full out migraine. Ugh. It came on quick, too. All of a sudden I asked Chris to turn off the lights and turn down the TV, everything was too bright and too loud. It hurt soooo much. Chris had to give me a hydrocodine, which took a while to knock me out. It was still with me today. I had to sleep most of the day to work off the medicine, and now it's a mild headache. The lights are still really bright, but I'm able to turn my screen down a lot, which helps. I've also had a bit of caffeene, which should help a bit more, because I didn't take another HC today. I just rested. Anytime I tried to sit up, it came back in full force. I didn't even get up to watch TV, I just laid there, switching sides.
But I am better now. Not to worry people. I'm pretty sure it's due to the insane weather we've been having.
Anyway, back to work. I should be just fine by tomorrow morning, but I do thank Katie for letting me have the full day off, because I was able to come in with just a headache about halfway through, but I'm glad now that I got that extra rest.

Computer Meltdown

2007-11-17T14:52:00.000-08:00

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! My computer, at a pivotal computer time, crashed. Big time crashed. We're not talking just reboot and go. No we're talking major Nerd Heard problems. So I went in because I had the BSOD (Blue Screen of Death) ... and my computer is officially dead, according to the Squad Agent. I spent $150 for them to tell me what I already knew. M@#$n F^#^$&*@!! GRRRRR.... I ate a chocolate chip cookie Katie brought me. Sorry, Chris.
So, I wouldn't be upset if it was any other time, but the F%$%^ Marketing people decide "Hey, your t-shirts are a great idea. Can you get em ready yesterday?" So not only did they screw themselves over and want me to fix it, but now I can't because my computer is up the creek. Grrr... and it's costing me money instead of making money. Sometimes I really hate technology.

MS Up

2007-11-14T19:33:00.000-08:00

So I took an IV to the hand... ouch. Chris took it out on Monday. I'm trying to recoupe from it all. Doing well. I'm trying to recoupe about everything, but it's hard to back track right now. KP is going through the same thing with steroids right now, so it feels good not to be alone on that sort of stuff. It was really hard dealing with stuff with that in my system so hard. I was not a happy person, I just felt tired all the time. I'll update you guys in a while. I'm still recouping.

Poem 1.3

2007-11-14T19:26:00.000-08:00

Life and life
on and on
the syster sings
her wyred song.

Rubber Gloves

2007-10-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

My hands are doing that no-feeling glove thing it does. On my left it's from the pinkie out, on my right it's from the thumb out. My shoulders feel like they've been sunburnt. My legs are not cooperating, I can't stand up for long periods of time. I'm so tired that I don't like holding myself up for long periods of time. I wish I was at home in bed. I really just want to sleep.
You know how it feels when you lay on your arm and it falls asleep? That's how my arms feel most of the time all over, except the inside ridge. I feel so weak. I just want to sleep. I'm very close to letting everyone out early today, but I know it'd be wrong. 2.5 hours to go... urggghh.
Chris thinks that the symptoms flared up because I started taking Alli. I think it's because all the stress we've had lately. We both thought it was the ring, because right after we got a sizer for it was when I started noticing it. But I've had to go without my ring for a few days (which make me very nervous and unhappy) to double check that theory. I figure we'll cut everything out and start introducing everything one by one slowly. The problem is that it takes a few days to a week for symptoms to show up.

This Week Review

2007-10-13T08:31:00.001-07:00

This past week hasn't been awful, but I've started to note a decline in my feeling capabilities. My left hand has once again gone numb from the palm of the hand through the pinkie, ring, and middle fingers. It makes it odd to do anything, like type, with this hand. I think this is just due to a pinched nerve. It is, nevertheless, annoying. Also my legs are acting up again. I've noticed these symptoms for the last few days. Probably started around Tuesday or Wednesday with the legs, around Sunday or Monday for the hand.
That and I'm tired, but the fatigue is probably due to the late night I had yesterday. I went out with a friend to dinner after work and we stayed out for a while, which was nice, but now it's really kicking my butt.

Anxiety

2007-10-03T10:56:00.000-07:00

So I'm kind of dragging because I've got a lot of anxiety. I mean, Chris and I want to move back to Oklahoma eventually. Chris wants to move back sooner rather than later. I'm kind of blah about that decision because... well, it's a decision and I don't do those well. Also, what job would we each have? I'm trying to line up a job for him at OSU, because I know of an opening that he could do. Also he'd have state insurance. I'm trying to line up so I can work at the ranch. Maybe my pay is that my personal insurance is paid, cause that's all I really need if I'm at home and Chris pays for groceries and stuff. I wouldn't need to be paid much at all that way.
So I've got things worked out as far as that goes... except the actuality of it. I'm just starting to get a hold of people for Chris' job, and my insurance relies on my pay for whatever job I might get. So, if he gets the job we're routing for, I'm not sure if I will be able to go right away or not. I'm hoping so, but we've gotta get everything else lined up as well.
Part of another anxiety is the house. If we move... I JUST bought this house. I haten to turn around and sell it after saying I'd be in it for at least five years. It just doesn't seem right. Especially since my folks had to help me out with it so much.
Argh...
School anxiety, work anxiety, house anxiety, love anxiety, life andxiety. It's so easy for me to turn every which way and see something to be axious about (anxious in the bad way). It's flu season, grr. I've got to go get that shot soon. Medical anxieties. MS anxieties... everything anxieties. Anxiety about anxieties! Grr!

Fat

2007-10-03T07:42:00.000-07:00

Urgh. I'm fat. Don't give me that crap. I am. I weigh more than I have my entire life... and now I'm getting married. When I tried on Jen's bridesmaid dresses I had to wear a (eak!)... well, i'm not even going to say it, but it was in the plus sizes! I hate this. All I am is hungry.
Not only that, but because I'm hungry, I'm pissy. I'm easily bitchy today. Yesterday I wasn't hungry at all, but I still ate because I knew I needed to. Today I'm hungry as all get up. I hate that feeling. My stomache sits on the counter. I hate that. I hate being fat, and I hate being hungry. How am I both?! Shush. Grrrr...

I'm Next!

2007-09-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

http://www.sliceoflifetv.com/index.php?id=2c89109d

You guys have got to go to this site! It's freaky!

Sick weekend

2007-09-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

Yup, this weekend I was ill. It started on Thursday, I could feel it in my sinuses. By Friday I was dizzy a lot and my throat was hurting a lot. I made it through most of work, but had to go home early to rest. Most of saturday was spent in bed as well. Sunday I got up and Chris took me out for a little bit before I had to set down to write my homework paper. I am doing much better today. The only way of knowing that I've got a problem with my sinuses is when I lay my head down.

MS symptoms, come and feel em

2007-09-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

This site is a great site that everyone should go to and see a basic playout of MS makes you go through.

http://www.ms-gateway.ie/understanding-ms/ms-simulator-35.htm

Bad night

2007-08-23T14:06:00.001-07:00

last night was a bad night.
Had to work my way through it.

Money money money

2007-08-21T13:13:00.000-07:00

Grrr... so I don't have an AHB debit card yet, and I'm out of checks (or at least I can't find them). I am still figuring out this transfer thing, so I'm currently out of money (or unable to get to it, as is the case of AHB). It's just making things difficult because the bills are coming in now. It's times like this that I really wish I had a credit card.
Don't worry folks I'm getting my ahb stuff, it's just taking it's time to get to me... urgh. The other ones... well, they're pretty empty or untouchable right now.
Besides this is just be venting.

Cell Phone

2007-08-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

Hey, for some reason the sim card on my phone is not working. Sorry, I'm gonna go get it figured out in a little bit. It's bothersome.

possible cure

2007-08-15T11:45:00.001-07:00

Experimental MS Vaccine Proves Safe in Early Test
It could lead to individualized treatments for other autoimmune diseases, researchers say
By Steven Reinberg
Posted 8/13/07
MONDAY, Aug. 13 (HealthDay News) -- An experimental DNA vaccine to fight multiple sclerosis is safe and may also be effective, results of a small Canadian trial suggest.

The vaccine, called BHT-3009, works by preventing the immune system from attacking the myelin sheaths that protect nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord. The destruction of myelin eventually destroys a nerve cell's axon, which prevents cells from transmitting messages and is one of the hallmarks of MS.

"This was an early trial of a new class of drugs for autoimmune disease in general and for MS in particular," said lead researcher Dr. Amit Bar-Or, of McGill University's Montreal Neurological Institute.

The idea of the vaccine is to change the immune cells that target the nervous system, Bar-Or said. "What we want to do is focus on just those cells that are involved in the disease process," he said. "So antigen-specific therapies are designed to try to modify or eliminate only those bad-guy cells that are involved in the disease process."

The vaccine makes use of a backbone of DNA onto which is attached myelin basic protein, which is a component of myelin. When you inject it, the vaccine reduces the body's ability to attack myelin, Bar-Or explained.

The findings were published online Monday in Archives of Neurology and were expected to be published in the October print issue of the journal.

According to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, the disease's symptoms are unpredictable and vary from person to person, and even from time to time in the same person. One person may experience abnormal fatigue, while another might have severe vision problems. A person with MS could have loss of balance and muscle coordination, making walking difficult. Another person could have slurred speech, tremors, stiffness and bladder problems.

In the new study, Bar-Or and his colleagues gave the vaccine to 30 patients with relapsing-remitting MS, which is characterized by alternating periods of symptoms and then relief from those symptoms. At one, three, five and nine weeks, the study participants received injections of BHT-3009 or a placebo. After 13 weeks, those who had been given a placebo were given four injections of BHT-3009.

The researchers evaluated the patients using MRI scanning. They found that the vaccine was well tolerated and also appeared to produce antigen-specific immune changes that stopped the destruction of myelin. These changes were seen in the reduction in the number of CD4+ T-cells -- white blood cells that target myelin.

Bar-Or cautions that much more work remains to be done to see if the vaccine is effective. Whether it represents a possible cure is unknown; all that is known right now is that it's safe. "The trial did provide a biological proof of concept, he said. "In addition, there are other targets in the brain that are involved in MS.

"Now that this biological principle appears to be sound, one could develop DNA vaccines to different targets," he said. "Ideally one could develop a cocktail that deals specifically with an individual's MS."

Based on theses findings, the Montreal researchers have started a phase 2 trial testing BHT-3009 on 290 patients with MS.

The same approach could also be used to treat other autoimmune diseases, such as type 1 diabetes, lupus, myasthenia gravis and rheumatoid arthritis, the researchers said.

Patricia O'Looney, vice president of biomedical research programs at the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, thinks this new approach is promising, but the concept still needs to be proven in larger trials.

"This is like science fiction. It's something that wouldn't have even been thought about 10 years ago," O'Looney said.

Still, the results offer hope, she said.

"This is a fascinating approach to try to control the immune activity with folks with MS," she said. "We are always looking for new ways to help people with MS. It is important that this is a novel idea, and we will just have to watch and see if it goes forward."

For more on multiple sclerosis, visit the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

Class-ic

2007-08-08T19:07:00.000-07:00

So I'm trying to get my classes in order so I can finally, finally!, graduate. I thought I'd be able to take the OSU online Freshman Comp 2 class, but it's already full. I'm gonna try and call the English Department and see what can be done. Otherwise I have two other options and I'm gonna aim to do both. I can apply for the morning class on Mondays and Wednesdays here at AUM. The main concern with this thing is the stuff it requires. Other than that I'm also going to try and take the CLEP test again for this, and it'll be good if I've already started the class, just in case I don't do well. But either way, I've finally got a back-up... let's hope one of them works out!

MS Update

2007-08-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

This last weekend hasn't been bad, but it's been an odd one. Katie and I went bowling on Friday, but I got so weak I couldn't bowl my normal 10 and 11 pound balls. I had to wearily bowl a 9 pound, which is the smallest ball they allow adults to bowl with. It wasn't a problem except I was so off balance with everything my score was cut in half. I kept trying my luck with the heavier balls, but I stopped after one point where I just sat down and pushed the ball down the lane.
It was a weird fatigue, nothing major. Just felt odd because of the weakness.
And since then I've had balance problems that eventually led to the last few days of drop foot. It's made me recieve a number of looks and comments from fellow workers. Basically if I'm not over-compensating for it by marching everywhere, I look like I'm drunk.... or drunk marching. It's been interesting, but it's keepin my balance and feet from dragging that's more on my mind than any comment.
It was worse on Tuesday when my legs felt like they were asleep... it's more so in my right leg.
I'm in debate about a chiropractor or not for this job.

Memories

2007-08-04T12:49:00.000-07:00

Today I was reminded of a very old and very painful sadness. It's weird. I sit in the office talking to my dr., and all the sad memories I bring up and am almost on tears about don't hurt and make me feel the way this one does. He's an aweful person that I miss. And it puts an aweful feeling in my life. I suddenly have a waive of depression worse than, and different than, any other. I think it's worse because how it makes me feel. I don't want to stop thinking about it, as much as I know I need to to get out of the funk it's set me in.
I mean, I was having a perfectly great day, when all of a sudden a face came up on my computer screen that, in spite of not seeing for years, I knew so well. I cannot describe my pain for him as anything other than sadness. Immediately questions of "why?" explode in my mind, almost to fast to catch them, but then they all barrage me and leave wounds so deep I don't think any answer another person would give would heal them.

Poetic Excuses to Miss Work

2007-07-24T14:16:00.001-07:00

Dear sir I write this note to you
To tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing it
I'm not a pretty sight

My body is all black and blue
My face a deathly grey
And I write this note to tell you
Why I am not at work today

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor
Some bricks I had to clear
But to toss them down from such a height
Was not a good idea

The foreman wasn't very pleased
He is an awkward sod
And he said I had to cart them
Down the ladder in my hod

Well moving all these bricks by hand
It was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel
And secured the rope below

But in my haste to do the job
I was to blind to see
That a barrell full of building bricks
Was heavier than me

And so when I untied the rope
The barrell fell like lead
But clinging tightly to the rope
I started up instead

I shot up like a rocket
'til to my dismay I found
That half way up I met
The bloody barrel coming down

The barrel broke my shoulder
As to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top
I banged the pulley with my head

Still clinging tightly to the rope
From this almighty blow
Whilst the barrel spilled out half it's bricks
Some fourteen floors below

Now when these bricks had fallen
From the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel
And so started down once more

Still clinging tightly to the rope
My body racked with pain
And halfway down I met
The bloody barrel once again

The force of this collision
Halfway down the office block
Caused multiple abrasions
And a nasty case of shock

Still clinging tightly to the rope
I fell towards the ground
And landed on the broken bricks
The barrel had scattered round

I lay there bleeding on the ground
I thought I'd passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel
And then the bottom burst

A shower of bricks rained down on me
I didn't have a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground
I let go of the bloody rope

The barrel now being heavier
It started down once more
And landed right across me
As I lay there on the floor

It broke three ribs and my left arm
And I can only say
I hope you'll understand
Why I am not at work today !!!

Wisdom teeth and stupidity

2007-07-24T13:52:00.001-07:00

So I got my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday and I'm acting pretty stupid today. The hydrocodine is making me really itchy. Yet another allergy I'm gaining due to the Avonex immune system boost. I'm really loopy and will update ya'all later.